So I had two months and two days. The last few days have been stressful. I made the mistake of staying up really late, and then yesterday I spent a little bit too much time talking to an old friend who isn’t exactly the best influence. And then today I woke up with insane urges. I tried to distract myself. I told myself no more talking to people who threaten my sobriety. But god, the urge was just insane. A few days ago, I was getting withdrawal symptoms and in so much pain I couldn’t tell what was physical and what was psychological. I’m so tired and trashed and when I’m like this I can’t get anything done and when I can’t get anything done I get frustrated and in a flash I’m hitting up everyone I know and looking to get wasted because I can’t deal with myself. This is one of the longest stretches I’ve ever been clean. I stopped cold turkey when a close relative (also alcoholic) passed away from cancer. I was surprised because usually I don’t deal well with this stuff but it really motivated me. I’m beyond disappointed with myself, but I think I learned a lot. I can kind of “see it coming” when I’m close-to-tempted rather than when I’m in the heat of the moment. Like before it was impossible to stop myself because the awareness would hit me when I’m already in too deep but now I realise that I have to catch myself in tempting situations before they even start. I have to tell it to myself straight: If you talk to this person, you will increase your chances of relapse today by 10x. Is it worth it? I tell myself I will silence their notifications, but they’re talking to me and I feel so so bad if I ignore them because we’ve been friends for like 10 years. But they aren’t really good influences for me, and I don’t think they mean me harm but they just don’t see the problem with this lifestyle. I keep thinking that being sober doesn’t mean I have to break off my friendships, because they didn’t actually do anything to hurt me, I just don’t have it in me to resist when I’m around them. And I have to come to terms with that. Sorry for the rambling. I’m feeling motivated to start my journey again. I don’t expect it to be perfect and linear, but I hope to be better than this time.
It’s good you learned from you slip. Keep track of what triggers you and go do something else, if you cant think of anything just come here. Two months is great! Now wipe yourself off and start over. About your friend who triggered you, do you have anything else in common with them? If not you will need to cut them out of your life. Your sobriety and self care has to come first. It sucks, your right that they technically didnt do anything wrong but they aren’t doing anything right.
Yeah, we sometimes like to do other stuff together but it’s kind of a slippery slope and hard for me to say no when he offers. I know he thinks he’s just being a real homie. He confesses to not having many ambitions in life so he doesn’t really care about getting sober. He knows that I want more out of my life but doesn’t understand that I can’t be an addict and achieve all my career goals at the same time. We can’t just kick it like the old days and get trashed and laugh it off the next day and then be like all right let’s go again. It was such a crap lifestyle but he doesn’t see why that’s just not compatible with my job anymore. I also don’t want him to think I’m trying to abandon him for more “bougie” people because I feel like that would make him sad. I guess I really just need to either leave the friendship or try again to have a real talk the next time he’s hitting me up and hope he understands.
Also thx for the supportive message!
Definitely try to have a serious talk with him about your desire for sobriety, and gently explain that if he continues to be a liability for your sobriety that you’ll have to distance yourself. Make sure he understands that you’re are not asking him to become sober - we can only take responsibility for ourselves as addicts - only that he can longer offer it to you or pressure you to indulge with him.
Likely, he does on some level know he has a problem and that’s why he tries to drag you back into the void. Your being sober forces him to take an honest look at his own addiction and he doesn’t like what he sees - getting you to relapse allows him to justify his own behavior and not do the hard work. You don’t have to do it! That’s his journey - it doesn’t have to be yours.
Stay strong and try to make some sober friends you can do things with and garner strength from on your difficult days!