I am exhausted. I write and I pour myself out, in hopes of reaching even one. In connecting with even one soul caught in the darkness of active addiction. I do it to right some wrong that happened when Daniel died. I do it to balance the scales. I do it with the thought “if one gets out, it’ll be worth it, his death won’t have been for nothing.” I do it because my heart bleeds for those still stuck because, I was them, am them. I have lived by the quote “May even my grief and brokenness become, in some way, a gift to the world around me. May my whole life be an offering”. But, I am exhausted. I am tired of reaching. My heart aches for everyone still caught up in the dope game but, I am tired. Sometimes, I really don’t want to run back in with buckets of water to help put out those still burning. I don’t want to be resilient. I’m exhausted by strength and being called strong. I want softness. Not pats on the back for how gracefully I take a hit. Or how many. Some days, I just need someone to hold my hand, while I stand in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was once my life.
As strong as you appear and as graceful as you write Sarah I know you’re heart is aching. It has to be. Yes, you get up every day and continue your journey because you are strong. And you’re responsible and you still have so much to live for. You might still be reliving that horror every day. I cannot imagine that. I wish I or some one could just hold you and make you feel better.
With that said. I just know your story that you constantly pour your broken heart into is helping someone somewhere on this global forum. We only know of the people we interact with. There are tons of people out there lurking. Just reading our stories of experience strength and hope. You are doing a beautiful thing sharing your story.
I see a beautiful lady who is hurting so deep inside that she’s screaming to help just one person out of the hell from addiction. Not to mention the stigma all around it. And that in itself is exhausting.
I hope you find time to rest and or meditate or take time for a stupid TV show or comedy. Or music. I’m so sorry for the circumstances that have made our paths cross in life. But I am glad you are here.
Big hugs to you Sarah
You maybe already have, but have you looked into grief groups? Especially if you could find a f2f one, somewhere to really cry with people who understand, it might give u the outlet you need.
When was the last time you did something just to make your own self happy?
Thank you all for the support. You guys are amazing. I am in therapy and I do go to a spouses grieving group. I think I just put too much on myself because I partially blame myself for the loss of Daniel so I’m looking for redemption and in doing so I pile too much onto myself and I go into like fighter or flight mode, until I crash. I have no desire to relapse and stay in contact with my sponsor. I think I’m honestly just mentally exhausted. I planned a trip from November 9 to the 13th to stay on the coast in Oregon to unwind so hopefully that helps:heart:
I hear you, and though it’s only an emoji hand, it’s filled with care.
You can’t blame yourself 
I’m glad you share what happened with us, that can’t be easy. But I’m glad you do for many reasons.
One of those being that we can be here for you 
I think about you many days while going about my daily living.
I won’t pretend my situation even hits what your going through or is similar, but I can relate to when my family and friends say stuff to me like " your so strong " " I don’t know how you carry on, if that was me I wouldn’t be able to cope"
- I know they mean it from a caring place but inside I’m screaming like " Huh ? Is this what coping looks like to you, who said I’m coping I’m broken " I don’t know why but for me it makes me feel more shit, or like I should be suffering more than I am.
Anyway as I said our situations are completely different but I relate to just needing some one to hold our hand, or sit with us even if it’s in silence and just be there with us.
I really hope you can make some good connections here, although they are needed in face to face life also, the people here are like my second family. We all really care and there’s no doubt in my mind that you are a courageous young woman, it’s ok to not be okay. It’s ok to need to lean on others.
I rambled on a bit when my only point I was trying to make is that you can’t blame yourself. I remember reading a post your writ recently about feeling like it’s your fault. I didn’t have time then to reply but I see again you feeling like you could have stopped this from happening.
I think it’s just fortunate that you had such a great relationship with honesty that he told you he was going to use one last time, but you couldn’t have known what was to happen. You really can’t blame yourself please understand it isn’t your fault or Daniels. It’s a very sad accident, Daniel wouldn’t want you to live more of your life feeling your at fault.
I do think about you and your family daily, sending healing energy and love.
I’m glad you are able to write how you feel here, and I’m glad you get support, you send a very powerful message that every addict and alcoholic needs to be reminded of.
I hope you have some people/family in your face to face life that support you
Here is my hand to hold yours. It’s always there for you. 
Sarah…addiction is a psychological and physical disease, some of us learn to live with it some of us dont or cant, unfortunately Daniel surcame to disease and you didnt, this is not and cannot be your fault
Oh Sarah, my heart aches for you 
please be gentle with yourself. I’m so glad you are here with us. I wish I could make your pain ease. I’m praying for you and sending love to you 
What you’re going through is so incredibly heartwrenching. You are strong, but you don’t need to always be. It’s ok to hurt and not be ok. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it.
You all are incredible. Fuck humanity is beautiful, how you who are busy picking up your own broken pieces seem to offer the most comfort. What a beautiful thing. Love and empathy sent out into the world to complete strangers, from hearts that are not even whole themselves. So grateful to you all. I think I’m entering a season of rest, so I’m going to honor that and allow myself to just be.
I imagine I’ll always have survivors guilt. Though one day I will make my peace with this, I’m not sure how or when, but I will. Daniel paid the ultimate price for OUR addiction. why I was granted life and he was not, I will never know. I made the same decisions, choices no better than his. But I’m sober today and I suppose I have him to thank, his last act of love to give me life again. For that, I will always honor him Through me our children will know there is a different ending than just death. They will know victory. They will know of restoration and redemption. They will know that weeping may endure for awhile, but eventually joy does come in the morning. And above all else, they will know that their daddy was good, he was brave, he was a fighter and he loved them, so very fiercely.
