Oh love Iām so sorry to hear that. I know how hard that is. I hear how frustrated and disappointed you are. It is a hard, hard place.
You are not alone. Many people here have struggled in the same way. It is possible to overcome this. Keep coming here, keep reading; you will learn so much! What helps many people, especially in early recovery, is recovery groups: having that community where everyone is working to develop their āsober strengthā - that helps you feel less alone. Have you tried a group before? There are a lot of options:
Resources for our recovery
You have to explore and find something that works for you. But one thing thatās important is to change up your routines. Change your commute if you need to not pass your liquor store; substitute Perrier with lime instead of beer (lots of people here have fallen in love with tea - having a hot herbal tea ritual at the end of the day); really care for yourself: I started taking baths at the end of the day, before bed - I looked forward to it.
You have spent years growing a set of habits and āreward pathwaysā in your brain. Thereās a neurological and psychological reason for whatās happening. You can change it though. Work a system, develop new routines, connect with other people in recovery - and you will recover. I promise.
You can do this love. You are a good person who belongs, you matter, and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self. Never, ever give up. Never, ever stop trying. You can do this. You absolutely can. 