To delete or not to delete

Your Story
1

Hey everybody,

so the next part is going to be uncomfortable but I’ll have to reap what I sow at some point.

What I’m trying ask today is a question that has been on my mind for a long time and I might need to ask for help.

I started using this forum after my last relapse and I have a very good reason for coming back here.

It’s because I lost a friend. Due to my own actions I might add but still.

I had a friend before rehab. She and I always said that we were like family and then one day she was gone.

That was until my last relapse.
Out of the blue I get a message telling me she wanted to reconnect.
So naturally I agreed. Mainly because I had questions as to why she wanted to be a part of my life again.

None of those questions were answered of course, but my frail ego just couldn’t let it go.

We met up, we drank and at some point I messed up horribly.

I started insulting her, it got so agressive that another friend of mine had to get between us.

I called her things that were inexcusable.
Things that I would never say sober and never be okay with.

Naturally she cut all ties with me. I tried to get in touch with her on the next day but she was not having it.

After I found out how much of an asshole I’ve really been I can’t blame her.

I think I already wrote about it in my welcome post but I have a new question:

I’ve been checking her Whatsapp just to see if she is still alive. Not because I want to iniciate contact but because the thought of her hurting herself because of my actions is making me physically ill.

She has not blocked me but I strongly believe she has deleted my number as I can’t see status updates anymore.

On that night I was just as much as a piece of shit as her mother. An alcoholic who left her and her 2 siblings to fend for themselves,
her abusive ex-boyfriend who in a drunken rage, also treated her like shit.

On that night she wanted to meet a friend, instead she met a monster.

I don’t believe this can be mended nor that it should be.
She has heard “never again” for hundreds of times so it is utterly meaningless at this point.

The question I have for you is:
Should I completely delete her number?

Right now It’s one of my main motivations to stay sober. So that whoever that me was is buried deep, and stays dead.

But I also know that I’m working on borrowed time if shame is all that’s keeping me from drinking.
Because I don’t think I’ll feel like this forever.

I personally feel like it’s to early to let this go.
I shouldn’t forgive myself for this.

But apart from forming unhealthy obsessions, what whould you people do at this point?

I hope your day is good and I hope your replys are as brutally honest as they need to be.

Greetings,

Jonas :slight_smile:

4 Likes
2

My personal thought is you should leave her alone. Don’t delete or block her in anyway.

Let your personal situation improve, perhaps she’ll see it perhaps she won’t. But it sounds as if you’ve hurt her and she is cutting things off right now and you should respect that.

We all live with the consequences of our actions. Hopefully this was enough of a wake up call for you to realize you don’t play well under the influence, at all!

8 Likes
3

God, I feel your pain. I’m going to be honest with you dude … If you can’t see her status then she has deleted your number and is done. Look inside yourself and ask can you really blame her? I sometimes look at this girl on WhatsApp and I can see her status. I can see she hasn’t deleted my number but who deletes numbers nowadays? Most people would keep a number and block if they were just taking time out. If they’ve gone out their way to delete a number then they really don’t care if they hear from you or not and they sure as hell do not want you to see them.

As painful as it is, sometimes the best amends you can make is leaving someone well alone for good.

6 Likes
4

Thank you for your honesty and yes I won’t contact her.

I think I’ve done enough damage as it is.

Have a good day.

3 Likes
5

No I really can’t blame her for anything.

I hope that wherever she goes now she has a great life ahead of her. It’s just none of my business anymore.

I won’t contact her in any way. I already know how to avoid the pub’s and clubs where she might be so I won’t go anywhere near them.

1 Like
6

Yea forget her get on with your life ,as for clubs and pubs if you are really serious about stopping then its advised to avoid these places in early sobriety .try a meeting might help wish you well

6 Likes
7

Yeah, just to echo @Ray_M_C_Laren - avoid the pubs and clubs for your own sobriety, not to bump into her. You will eventually bump into her in time.

Honestly Jonas, I cannot stress just how important it is that this woman goes to the bottom of your priority list, no matter how much that sucks. My sponsor told me, I didn’t listen - His sponsor told him, he didn’t listen; he learned the hard way and I am learning it too. You may get sober because of her but you gotta stay sober for you.

Like I say, you will bump into her eventually, it’s inevitable but do yourself a favour and bump into her when you’re healthy and so much better in yourself. You can’t give away what you haven’t got. I think a lot of people fall into the trap of sobering up and immediately wanting to go straight to their potential partners and claim they’ve changed but it’s the wrong thing to do, it only makes it worse. Especially when you don’t get what you want because alkys do not like to take no for an answer. It’ll drive you insane, believe me. Once she starts ignoring you, you’ll end up addicted to the communication and when that stops, you’ll be so fucking angry that the only thing you can do is walk away. She’s doing you a huge favour mate. In my case, she’s screwed me over back just as good and I don’t think she’s realised it - Once I let her have it (and boy did I let her have it), I had to just cut contact altogether. I know she’s still there, I know she’s having a look every now and then even if she is with someone else now… it’s only natural. But sobriety is for you. No one else.

10 Likes
8

Yeah I don’t know if I ever want to bump into her again.

The thing is that we were never together. Nor were we ever intimate with one another.

I honestly considered her as part of my family, mainly because I don’t have any contact to my blood related family except for my sister, mother and father.

Which is why this hurts me even more. But I’m not the victim is this.

She is.

I’ll try to make some new reasons for my sobriety.
Maybe I should stick it to my wall or something.
Or better yet, just carry it around with me at all times.

Thank you for your reply, I think it’s going to be a while before I come to terms with my guilt.
Maybe even years. But even that is better than walking down this path again.

1 Like
9

I think sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is give them the space they need and let them go, concentrate on forgiving yourself and on your recovery so you never have to go through this again. Sometimes life will give you a rock bottom type situation…something big to happen or a loss of someone special to thrust you into making a big change in your life- take this as one of those times and allow it to push you forward into making some decent changes…i lost people too because of my actions as an addict so i know how ul be feeling…while its good to recognise your wrong doings its also important to be kind to yourself and work on forgiving yourself because if you allow the guilt to consume you youl never move forward

9 Likes
10

Yes. I remember that feeling all too well.

I haven’t had any cravings since then. Maybe one but it was late in the night and I wasn’t what I’d call metally stable.
Other than that I feel like somebody could chase me with that stuff right now. And I’d still say no.

2 Likes
11

Ive just added a little more…

12

If you mean the part about focusing on forgiving myself. Then no.

I’m miles away from that point. I doubt it’d be right for me at this time tbh.

While I can try to make amends with myself, it is my core belief that there are some action that do not deserve forgiveness.

I never thought I’d ever reach this kind of despicable behaviour but there just seems to be no end to it.

No matter how deep I think I’ve sunk, there is always a rockier bottom underneath.

Never thought I’d be at this point tbh.

2 Likes
13

If you truly believe that, if that is your core belief, you WILL drink soon.

4 Likes
14

Then it’s my job to start rethinking.

Otherwise it’s the snake that eats it’s own tail all over again.

Do you have any ideas for the forseeable future?
Like today and tomorrow, not a year from now because that’s vague at best and useless at this point in time.

2 Likes
15

After my own despicable behaviour i think i felt like somehow the more i berated myself…refused to forgive myself…that it would somehow absolve me of all my wrong doing and make things better… it didnt work and only served to keep me down and running back to my addiction…it wasnt until i started having some compassion for myself that my recovery could start…its hard to do but something i urge you to aim for…look toward the reasons for your addiction…there are no excuses for bad behaviour but there will be reasons for your addiction that need working on…thats how you will find some peace within yourself

5 Likes
16

Just take it one day at a time and focus on not picking up. I don’t know how early days you are but I’m guessing it’s going to be difficult to shelve off the mistake you made. But I would highly recommend getting to a meeting and starting the steps asap because where you’re at in terms of your views on self forgiveness will bury you.

5 Likes
17

Update: I’ve deleted her number.

If we run into each other again so be it. But for now, I’ll have to focus on what’s in front of me.

She’ll be in my head for a long time anyways.
No need to go looking for more pain.

Wherever she is, I hope she is happy.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. But a decision had to be made.

-Jonas

4 Likes
18

Ok…decision made…i know you cant delete her from your head but for now push all that to the back of your mind and concentrate on you and your sobriety…throw yourself into getting your head and body better and remember to treat yourself with compassion at all times to give yourself the best chance to become a better you :people_hugging:

2 Likes
19

If you really want to handle the situation in a selfless way then what is best for her in all of this? If someone treated you in the same manner undeserving what would you want? If the answer is no contact with the person then you have your answer. Try to not make this about yourself other than staying sober so it doesn’t happen again.

1 Like
20

@SoberGuyUSA he just said he made a decision and deleted her number…maybe read the thread first

1 Like