Daniel,
By now I guess you’ve settled into that “better place” people speak of when they’re trying to comfort… I know they’re right though, you aren’t struggling anymore and all the monsters have finally, forever been silenced.
August 30th, 2022 you stepped into a porta potty in a little gravel pit, beside the highway, you grabbed some foil and a tooter and you began to smoke a fentanyl pill. You were dead before you even finished the pill… Awful things have been said since your passing. Things like “addicts are such a drain on the system, letting them die would is a “just” solution”. I wonder if they know they’re talking about my husband. They’re talking about the little boy with brown hair that was really good at nearly all you did and could make ANYONE laugh. They’re talking about the kid who loved animals and believed in Jesus. My husband, who becomes a raw, beautiful stranger when you would get high. The Man who has four brothers, three adopted sisters, a mother who birthed you, a father who agonized over you, a daughter who idolized you and a son who will carry your namesake. The PERSON, who, to this day, even in death, can still make me laugh with wild abandon. My souls twin. A person who suffered a series of atrocities, that left you forever wounded. Atrocities that convinced you, at a very young age, that you were worthless. A man who lived in a society, that sent you the message that you’re not worthy to be ALIVE… Sitting here reflecting on this past year I’ve decided to write about you, share some of you with the world.
The probability of being born with the characteristics you had is about one in four hundred trillion. A phenomenon. The fact that you ever existed at all… A complete miracle❤️ When I first met you, in our younger years together, you were wild and loud and fierce in everything you did. You made sure your presence was known - a mess of art and chaos, bundled into one human. Though as you got older, a calmness settled inside of you. You were content with more simplicity and happiest being around me, your babies, and the ones you held dearest. It was beautiful to watch you start to settle the storm inside you; however, if someone were to take the time to really look into your eyes, they would get a glimpse of the storm clouds that stirred barely under the surface. I’m so sorry you weren’t able to silence it completely… You were the life of every party, sadly the party, eventually took the life out of you…
Can you hear me talking to you? I talk to you on the hard days for guidance. These littles, our little humans we created, they’re a handful sometimes. Most days I wish I had the always consistent patience and grace you showed them. I want so badly to do right by you. You deserve that, and so do little Dan and Adriana. I also talk to you on the good days, even if it’s just a quick whisper “ I love you Dan. I miss you” to the sky. I know your warmth is in the sunshine. Your hands, in the wind. You are not somewhere far away from me, this I know, even on the days when I question if you were ever real at all. If I listen closely, sometimes I can hear your distant cheers, rooting me forward.
I’m forever left wishing you were with me for the holidays, the concerts, the kid’s games, while watching a movie on the couch or eating dinner. Each new day beckons me to try and transform the pain of losing you into love and time spent cherishing the memories we shared. I so wish I could go back and relive some of those memories, feel a few of them one or two more times.
I do love this life, even though it feels like a personal assault from the universe has been made against me. My suffering, a weight words cannot carry, and a forever hurt that feels as if it will hollow me out. Even still, I know this life is beautiful. I’ve learned that I can go through something like this and survive against all belief that it would kill me. Even while begging not to survive at times. I will always search for you in every sunset, in the waves of every ocean, in summer nights and fall mornings, in the eyes of our children, and so many other countless things that I don’t have enough words to express.
Thank you for marrying me all those years ago. Thank you for bringing joy into my world, the magnitude of which I’m sure I’ll never experience again. I would never rewrite our story to spare myself this pain. After all, you have been by far my most complete and greatest adventure❤️. I’ll forever be here, waiting to meet up with you again Daniel Justin Brown, (be ready because I plan to come running, at full speed, through that great divide that separates this earth from your eternity and jump into your arms) I still miss you as acutely as I did on day one. I expect I always will. You will forever be my most favorite hello, most agonizing goodbye. Until this road of fate decides it’s time for our paths to join once more… I’ll be seeing you baby…
I love you big, I miss you forever. I hope heaven is treating you good 
— Always & Forever, your wife
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