I have this deep fear inside me that I will spend the rest of my life either struggling to stay high, or fighting to stay clean. Being an addict is by far the most challenging task I have ever had to face. Loving an addict and then losing him to his addiction, the second. As children, we don’t decide we would rather be an addict than a nurse. As little kids we didn’t sit around pretending that our dolls were dope sick. When is the last time you talked to a little girl who told you she couldn’t wait to grow up, so she could turn tricks to feed the insatiable hunger for her DOC? When have you had someone tell you about exciting plans to become homeless. My dad never told my mother to think twice before marrying him because he had high hopes of becoming a drug addict, who would commit manslaughter and spend years in San Quintin one day. We never blew out candles as a child wishing for a substance use disorder because we couldn’t wait for the day our children would get taken into foster care. Daniel didn’t jump for joy as a boy at the thought of dying from an overdose, at just 36 years old.
Yet some of you are forced to watch the life of someone you love fade away. You watch our personality, dreams, hopes and health deteriorate. You prepare yourself for worst case scenario. Knowing our life is in our own hands. Our fate lies within the substance we hold. Death hasn’t chosen us, we have chosen our own devil to dance with. Loving us can sometimes feel like a “waiting game.”
Waiting for the phone call that is going to change your life forever. The call that comes when we’ve taken our addiction, just a little too far. Waiting for the day when we decide to finally change our own life forever. The day we finally choose to get clean. One big waiting game.
The hardest part being, the game is not in your control. You can try to predict the odds, ultimately though you never know what is coming next. Fate is in the hands of the dealer. Horrible I know. Imagine how us with the addiction feel. You must not take it personal, asking yourself “what did I do to deserve this. Don’t my acts of kindness and goodwill mean anything!?” I promise you can question it all you want, but the reality still remains. We are struggling with addiction.
There is nothing you can say or do that will stop us from using. There is nothing you can take away that will put an end to the addiction. The only way we will overcome our addiction, is when we actively choose to make that decision for ourselves. It is not a matter of whether or not we love you, rather it is whether or not we are capable of loving and forgiving ourselves. It is not a moral failing. Regardless if we are using or clean, this is part of who we are.
Do you have the strength to love and accept us despite it? Nobody wants to have substance use disorder. Some of us simply, just do. Some of you smoked the same cigarettes I did. Drank the same alcohol. Snorted that same white powder sat in front of you at a college party. You made those same choices I did. Yet you were able to get up and walk away, I was not. You just got lucky that it happened to be me and not you.
The Center for Disease Control and the United States Surgeon General have classified addiction as a disease. So be gentle and choose kindness the next time you want to call someone struggling with SUD a “junkie” or “crackhead”. I pray that you don’t have life humble you, forcing you to reevaluate your opinions because you find out your child, sibling, best friend or parent is an addict. However if, god forbid you do, just know that we will accept you with open arms. We will help your loved one. Our mothers and fathers will stand beside you, holding your hand. Our spouses will cry with you in understanding. You will not be alone. BUT also know this, sometimes the odds ARE in our favor and we WIN the game, because we CAN and we DO recover.
