Ok. 11 relapses in the past 70 days. I don’t feel too awful about it, trying to be kind to myself, but I do feel like I’m just not trying hard enough. Feeling really low after drinking last night, and I also smoked cigarettes for the first time in 60 days, so feeling extra crap about that. I always always convince myself it’s ok to drink once in a while, once a week, twice a week, etc etc. And then I feel awful and start slipping back into the daily. Longest I’ve gone without is 36 days. Why does it keep sneaking back in. Why can I not seem to find happiness without the drink? I see other people exist without drinking, why is it so damn hard for me? And then I see people who drink once in a while and they seem like they are ok too. Constant struggle. Why is this so hard? 
Hey girl keep at it. A part I see is you’re setting your expectations off other ppl.well these ppl don’t drink and they are ok, these ppl drink sometimes and are ok. I don’t drink and today I’m ok, but we never know what ppl are thinking or feeling. Just because someone has a couple drinks and seems ok doesn’t mean they are. They could very well be wanting to die and hating them self too… only worry about your feelings and what you can do to stay sober and make your journey yours. And the reason it may be sneeking back in is bc you let it, have you attended any meetings? Are you avoiding certain ppl, and places. You seriously have to change in all of your old life in order to make a new one. For me that literally meant giving up friends, not going to many if any social gatherings. And finding myself. There is days I wake up and I’m still In a shitty mood, but I don’t let alcohol play a part in making it worse any more.
I hear ya! It’s hard to see other people be able to have a drink or two and then turn it off. If I have 1 I have 10. It sucks and makes me feel like a bad person cause I can’t control it.
As long as we are trying I think that counts. It’s a step in the right direction… I dk, I’m only on day 2 technically.
Hi there. Welcome to the community, congrats on day 2. Some great ppl to help you along with your journey.
I had a bunch of resets myself… my thinking needed to be shifted like some of the comments. What shifted my thinking was audio books… Allen Carrs “Easy way to control alcohol” and “This naked mind” by Annie Grace. Those books altered how i view alcohol which in turn has gotten me 363 days of sobriety.
I haven’t attended meetings no. I was trying to read Allen Cars book on alcohol but gave up. I shouldn’t have. My husband is also a problem drinker, we feed off each other, which is a tricky situation in itself. I tend to drink when I’m feeling really good, which is odd. Like I reward myself for feeling great, and then I feel really bad when I get the hangover.
People who don’t have a problem with putting the drink down can have one once in a while… The drinking is so drenched in our social/society that it’s odd to people if you don’t drink.
I had to change my mindset, Natasha. Instead of feeling like I’m denying myself a pleasure, I’m actually doing something great for my health and life. It definitely took me a few resets also.
There’s lots of help and information here on the site; also look up sober subjects on youtube or listen to some of their aa meetings… there’s some famous people on there to you can listen to.
If you’ve made it to 36 days prior you know how could your body and mind feel…
It’s nice to see you here! 
nwags - your situation sounds the same as mine. I have been with my husband for 19 years and we have always partied together. We seem to derail each other’s abstinence - we both want to stop or moderate, just not always at the same time!.
My triggers are feeling good and wanting to celebrate. My urges are strongest when I finish a workout, finish a long run or get good news relating to our finances - pay rises, Pay day, tax refund etc.
Literature can be really helpful, I prefer to get audio books though and listen with my eyes shut in the evening. I tend to finish more books that way for some reason and absorb the content better.
I am back on day 1 btw. I had 28 days under my belt and felt amazing but dangerously in control which led to 1 slip which led to 2 weeks of drinking every other day and snorting coke at the weekend again 
Thanks for the recommendations!
Nailed it. Last time I was in the hospital the tv was all booze ads and the two things I watched, football and a show were all littered with booze! It’s way too much part of normalcy! Alcohol kills more people than most drugs, yet it’s advertised like it’s soda. It’s very upsetting lately
Lol me too. I use it to reward myself. I have been doing that a lot lately. Doesn’t work. Turns into a bad hangover, sleep all day, no work done, no money coming in. Pretty bad way to reward myself. Lol.
I get triggered by happiness. Like if I do something. For the last couple of days I’ve been drinking hard. I told myself that I was writing a book, so it was okay. But I slept almost all day today. I want to write more tonight, but I don’t feel like doing so. I am out of meds, I need to visit the med store, and I am just too lazy to do so. Fuck. Alcohol isn’t working out as a reward for me.
The book is working out good though. Got almost two chapters done. I have the whole story outline in my head. Was watching Vikings on Netflix for inspiration. It helps. But I feel too tired to write tonight.
My wife likes that I am finally writing. I have always told people that one day I will write a book. Anyway. Let’s see how that goes. I need to stop drinking so much. But trying to moderate doesn’t work for me. It has to be all or nothing.
Moderation doesn’t work for me either. I’ve never ever been able to just have a drink. Even when I try (at a restaurant with my supper, for example) that one glass of wine or whatever leads to a visit to the liquor store and more being bought. I’m all or nothing as well.
Great job on your 28 days! So I’m not alone on the feeling good triggers. I find I don’t tend to drink when I feel down. It’s when I feel on top of the world. Just like you said, after a great workout, a run, just an all around great day. Then I “reward” myself with drinks.
Yesterday I realized that the day after drinking is so toxic for me. I felt like shit all day, got nothing done. Was so thirsty, snapped at my kids and just was generally depressed. Not a fun way to reward myself. My husband felt the same. Maybe if we keep that thought in our heads we may be able to stay away from it finally. 🤷
For some people, probably most people on here, moderation doesn’t work for them, and sobriety takes constant work. That work can feel overwhelming, but ultimately it is satisfying to keep working on yourself. If u keep relapsing look for some new tools to add to ur sober tool box.
Same here it’s weird but I can’t stop when I start
Ya I ask the same questions too. Why cant I have just one drink once a week or so. I dont get it. I just looked at my history and saw I relapsed 14 times. I was mortified. I just want to have a normal life without this addiction. I guess we need to do some soul searching and keep moving forward.
I thought I could “try” my way to sobriety or think my way to sobriety. You are trying against yourself, a predisposition, or a lineage of substance abuse could always be working against you. You need to actively work at sobriety. Changing your mindset, outlook, patterns, patterns of thought, the way you think about things. That is the crux. We often feel we keep letting ourselves down and are failing. When in reality we are not changing anything and believing our will power is enough to conquer one of the most complex addictions known to man.