Tough times bring harsh emotions


#1

Some of you know what’s going on in my life right now but I just need someone to listen/talk to right now. I’m trying everything I can to fix something beyond broken. Maybe it’s the stubbornness in me, maybe it’s the fact I’m fearing the unknown, there’s so many things it could be that’s making me fight so hard for something that’s a lost cause. I know it is but I can’t stop fighting for it.
I try to have effective communication and it works on my end but not the other half. It’s like I’m talking to a brick wall because they’re too tied up playing some fucking game online. Clearly she knows we have a failing relationship but she’d rather play some fucking game than talk it out. I asked for a simple answer, are you going to put 100% of your effort into fixing this. I’m willing to do so but the response is why do you need an answer right now? That right there tells me no. She’s too tied up working a part time job so she can play games the rest of the time. Talk about fucked up priorities…so why am i trying so hard? I don’t get it!
I’m getting so worked up I can’t even talk to her, I had to walk away and go outside to try to regain whatever calmness was left which clearly wasn’t much since I went on a punching spree. I know it doesn’t solve anything but I needed to get an instant relief otherwise I’d just stew and get more pissed. Deep down I know what I need to do but I keep holding on thinking maybe just maybe it’ll get better. 90 to 1 it won’t, so why?! Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I self destructing? Why add more stress when that’s the last thing anyone in recovery needs. I’m so disappointed in myself right now and There’s so many other emotions coming with it.


#2

Honestly i thought my relationship wouldnt work out but we are here and going stronger than we were when i was drinking/first getting clean. There’s still lots of work to be done and it’s not a sure bet but it’s better.
The thing i had to do was separate my sobriety from my relationship. I even told him, im doing this for ME, FIRST. for him second. I don’t think he liked that but, at the end of the day you’re doing this for yourself, not to just please somebody else- that’s just a benefit that comes along with the package. A good one at that.
I don’t have a lot of advice at this late hour but focus on you when it comes to your sobriety. All the other things- better relationships, better communication, better work related things, etc will follow suit and benefit as well, but it starts with you, and with in yourself.


#3

@Donut89 i can totally understand that and any other person that cared to keep a relationship together would as well. I honestly don’t see it working out. Not after all this, it showed me just how little she cares about me, our relationship and the effort it would take to fix it. Putting myself first would be me leaving and starting fresh, a new chapter so to speak. I know if I stay it’ll be the same fight day after day, just beating a dead horse as they say. The pure meaning of insanity.
I don’t want to give up but in the end I know it’s what needs to be done. I just need to accept that


#4

Hello Josh, We’re in the same boat! Try and keep calm and focus on a bright future for you, with or without her. Time and sobriety will heal the situation, there’s lots of great women out there if she doesn’t come around? It’s working out slowly with my wife but I still don’t know. I was a large part of our problems and I may never earn her trust back. We split over five years ago and I was fucked up on heron constantly, destroying everything I possibility could!! Don’t lose hope like I did. It was a complete living hell. Finally realizing my children were all I had left, they are everything to me! I found a sliver of hope and purpose in life. Hit 61 days clean after quitting cold turkey. Focus on U! Things will fall in line gradually. It’s a day by day process. You will prevail my friend.


#5

Maybe, for the sake of your health (both physical and emotional) you could move out? A trial separation, some time apart, may help you get some perspective.

Sounds to me like right now, the both of you are in a power struggle. You want answers, she knows it and has her own feelings to deal with.


#6

I truly believe in this. I have tried to fix a 13 year relationship when I my self was not fixed. All that happened was I ended up relapsing. You have to put your self first. If you don’t you are just making your recovery so much harder. If you not fixed you can’t fix anything or anyone around you. Sad reality but you must come first.


#7

Oh relationships is such a hard thing when its not not only up to you but also to another person. Its much easier to do/fix something what depens only on your feelings/actions


#8

So it kind of seems like you answered your own question. Acceptance is and can be a hard one to swallow. Sometimes its our only option though… you have to accept the situation for what it really is and move forward. Whether thats with or without her.

On her end, doesnt seem like shes ready to deal with whats going on yet. So maybe a “break” would be best if your finding it hard to leave all together. No one knows what the future holds, but sounds like the relationship is doing you more harm than good right now… Make a pros and cons list and see which list out weighs the other. Maybe actually seeing it will make it real…
I hope things get better for you, i really do… make the list, see if that helps any…


#9

Man, I really hope you take some time and space. If I remember correctly you had stayed at a hotel in the last few days. I know it’s not ideal, but sounds like the best option right now.

You’ve been clean over 400 days right? Well, you broke that toxic relationship off. This just seems like the next one. If you can end the relationship with drugs and alcohol I have faith that you can walk away from this one. Be strong for your future and continued sobriety and recovery. We are all here for you!


#10

Ya I’ve been sober 437 days. I stayed in a hotel for a few days and didn’t talk to her at all. Just gave her and myself some space. Then I came back last night and it was the same fight it has been. She doesn’t talk, she goes straight to yelling and it doesn’t help the situation at all.

I appreciate everyone’s time and responses, it gives me another perspective to look at and some things to consider. I think what I’m going to do is just leave it alone, not talk to her for a while and think about my options. Weigh it all out and see which is best, if I don’t make the effort to talk we don’t talk, I have to text her first otherwise we simply won’t talk since she’s too tied up playing games. For someone that’s 31 she sure doesn’t seem like it nor act like it.

There’s a lot for me to think about and accept. It’ll take a little time so that’s fine. This is where I can put myself first and really see what I NEED to do, not what I WANT to do. Its toxic as hell and not good for my recovery.

I guess I’m not one to take breaks if that makes sense. If something is to a point where it’s failed enough to need a break then imo it’s not worth staying in. I won’t be in a relationship that’s constantly needing breaks. If I’m in a relationship I want to know that I’m not wasting time and effort. I want to feel loved or cared for, I want to know that you’re in it 100%, you don’t get to pick and choose how much effort you’re putting in depending how you feel. Its all or nothing. That’s how I am and it’s saved me a lot of heart ache.

I rarely let people in, they have to prove they are worth my time. I can’t stand the people that are around because they need something then poof they’re gone. It seems I let my guard down with this one. Now she’s only nice and all lovey when she wants something, other than that she treats me like shit.

I feel like I’ve made my mind up but if I take a couple days to think about it I feel like it’ll be easier to accept. Thank you again everyone, truly. Still sober through it all so far.


#11

I feel like we have a lot in common when it comes to this. I too will let things keep going and going, fighting with everything I have, until at some point I decide I’m done. Once that decision is made I pretty much sever all ties. I wish I could walk away a lot earlier but it’s just like me and alcohol. I really have to hit some kind bottom. I’m so greatful that I wasn’t in a relationship when I decided to get clean. I don’t think things would be where they are if I had been. My sobriety is good, but my recovery is still very much in it’s infancy.

Hopefully you will be able to carve a new path in your recovery without all the crazy shit that goes with crazy women!


#12

Exactly, it’s like I’m waiting for a clear sign when in reality I’ve had plenty of them. I’m the same as you are though, once I’m done I’m DONE. There’s no going back, there’s no let’s talk here and there and try to rekindle a dead fire. I cut them out completely. Once someone has pushed me to that edge they lit their own match burning that bridge. I’m not Bob the builder so don’t expect me to fix it! Haha


#13

Hahaha! Yup, I’m also not a fireman, not going to put that burning pile of shit out. Just gonna watch it BURN! :rofl:


#14

Lmao that’s awesome, I needed that laugh. If you would have asked me a year ago before I moved I would have said ma’am step back I need to put this fire out. Lol, I was a volunteer firefighter for 10 years then moved and haven’t gotten involved here yet. I wanted to get some things on track in life first but that hasn’t happened :joy:


#15

Well, there is no time like the present. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Although it seems like more often than not I’m more like, there’s no time like tomorrow!


#16

Lol the downfall there is tomorrow usually turns into tomorrow again. It just keeps repeating then before you know it you’re like, shit I need to do this today or it’s late/not accepted/whatever lol. I put the pro in procrastination in high school. I’ve been trying to get better at it since I’ve been in recovery. The list of things I need/want to do gets longer and longer yet nothing gets crossed off.


#17

Yup! Story of my life! Like I said, sobriety is going great, recovery… barely going at all. BUT, I’m slowly getting some things done today that I’ve been putting off for far too long. Namely cleaning my apartment. There is a mile long list of shit I need to do but I’m starting here for now. In very small pieces. I know I’m not going to do all the cleaning I need to today, but it will get me going in the right direction. Time to stop procrastinating!


#18

That’s great! I’m glad you’re getting some things done today! Something is better than nothing, just keep working at it and before you know it it’ll all be caught up :blush:. I haven’t done much, slept a couple hours and now I’m just sitting here basically wasting time till I can go to work lol.