So it’s been days that I’ve relapsed with using cannabis. I got a lot of it, and this morning my mother found it. To give some context, both my parents, but especially my mom are aware of my drug addiction and they both want me to quit. But I’ve been lying and I got myself in debt to get this weed. And well my mom found it and threw it away. I now have to worry about finding the money and I really don’t know how… But most of all I have to heal from my drug addiction. I will only rely on my own support, my mom is being super mean to me, and I don’t trust her, she uses my secrets against me. So I will try to be sober, on my own, then next week I’ll go to my psychiatrist and I’ll be honest about how deeply addicted I am to cannabis, and see if I can get into some recovery related activities. I am doing this for myself, and I also want to make my parents proud of me, even if I felt deeply hurt by their attempts to help me. Also they brought me to another psychiatrist last week and she said I have Borderline Personality Disorder. My mom has been doing a lot of research about it and now she thinks that I’ve been manipulating her and making her feel guilty in order to get what I wanted. So now she doesn’t trust me at all, all I can do is prove her that I can stay sober. I am twenty years old and I started abusing cannabis since i was 15/16. It’s been a while, and I know that I must have caused some kind of brain damage. But I still have got time to heal. I need to set goals and start improving day by day. I will heal in silence and solitude, i don’t have any real friends anyway. So here’s to a new start, another attempt
It is a hard road Aly but you have had the courage to communicate with us here, and seek mental health support. That is a very good step and shows a lot of strength.
There are others in this community who have the same or very similar complex set of conditions (including BPD), and if you search around the threads you will probably find someone you can connect with. It is not an easy road but it is possible to find a healthy path. Stick with it and take it one day at a time.
Also consider joining a recovery group in your area, or even looking into detox programs, get on a waiting list for one if you have to. This thread has many useful resources:
Don’t ever give up. You’re a worthy person, you belong, and you matter - your story matters. You can reach a place where you are healthier than you are now. You have strength and you’re capable; you are putting in effort. Take care & keep checking in with us here!
How are things Aly?
I feel okay, I’m not being 100% sober but I’m not getting wasted either. It’s sunday and today I feel really motivated to get better and take recovery more seriously, I really want to get sober. This sunday has been good, I did a lot of cleaning and organising around my room and I am proud of myself, because I’m usually too lazy to clean… So yes I really want this week to be a sober one, I will try my best to avoid all kinds of situations where I could get high… I’m hopeful