So much of what you’ve just written could mirror my story in so many ways. I hear ya hun!!! I am you! Only I’m 40 days sober now for the first time in probably a decade. It took me being rigorously honest with myself and realizing I needed more help than I knew and I could no longer try to do it alone… For so long I just didn’t have it in me to admit I needed help. Suicidal thoughts became to close for comfort even with medication. I had no sense of motivation and “hope”? Forget about that… it was just insanity I was living in… doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result
I guess I finally broke from the insanity of it all one day and finally called my doctor. When I got to the appointment I had worked myself up so much to the point of a near panic attack because I knew I was just going to tell her everything and hope for the best no matter how she reacts. Her response was so caring and understanding and all she wanted to do was to get me better. It was such a relief 😮💨 and it was really the first day of my journey into recovery ❤️🩹
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I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t get past a couple days without alcohol. Now I’m on day 2 again. Committed to not drinking tonight. But dealing with horrible anxiety. I remember it was like this when I came off Xanax. The anxiety was crushing. But I got through it. That gives me a little hope that it will get better again. Just don’t think I can stay sober past a few days. I’ve been thinking I need to quit for over a year, probably longer. I just keep failing. I’m reading on here a lot and that helps a bit.
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