I’ve been lurking here for many months. Longest I’ve gone without alcohol was 2 weeks at the start of the year. I used to be a social drinker but for the past few years I’ve been drinking more, mostly alone in my home. I have no issues with my job or relationships. I’m just starting to get concerned about my health. I’ve gained 40 pounds since the start of the pandemic. Almost all from drinking. I struggle with anxiety and depression, and alcohol is how I unwind after work and escape. I drink enough to get tipsy and then go to sleep. Often by 8pm. (I’m a boring drunk! Lol) I find it really hard to go even a day without drinking, and can’t stop after just one or two. So I know I need to quit and I know all the reasons why I should. I just don’t know if I’m committed yet. I’m not interested in meetings for several reasons. I’m on meds and go to therapy for the mental health issues. But I’m ashamed to address my drinking with my therapist. I feel like sure a failure of a person. (Btw- I don’t think any of you are failures for struggling with addiction. I just can’t show myself the same compassion). When I do go a day or two without drinking, my anxiety becomes a crushing weight and I end up crying hysterically. I try to distract myself but with the depression I have no interest in doing anything. Also no energy or motivation. I feel useless. Sorry this has been long and rambling. I really appreciate everyone here.
Hi Chris! Thanks for the encouragement.
Here’s a 24 / 7 zoom code for a bit of moral support and to pass the time next time your struggling.
Hi @KarenKW and welcome. It gets easier to be kind to yourself when you take the depressant (alcohol) out of the scenario. Reaching out is a great first step and I was a long time lurker too. I’m also an alcoholic who drank alone towards the end of my abuse. You can change. I’m glad you are in therapy for mental health issues, would you not consider addiction a mental health issue? If you are having a hard time being honest with your therapist try talking here first. We aren’t therapists but we’ve all been addicted. I’m glad you’re here. 
@KarenKW. Welcome, Karen. You found this forum for a reason. Lurked for a reason. Now you shared a bit of your story got a reason . All in the right time! So…now you’re here ready to get sober. Next, tell your therapist. They have heard it all before. They will help you! So glad you are here. This is a place where many of us finally found the keys to finding and maintaining sobriety!
Well that sound familiar in some ways, it sounds like you know what to do it’s just going to come down to you putting into action. When you say after day two your anxiety gets to you, that’s alcohol withdrawal. It’s bad the first couple of weeks then it does get better. When the anxiety was bad in the beginning for me I kept black coffee and dark chocolate available. That really helped. Together they trick your brain into thinking your getting something. I’m at 139 days this time. Last time I had 7 yrs before relapsing. Addiction is tough.
Thanks everyone for the support. Went to bed super early last night. Unfortunately I slept like crap and woke up with a bad tension headache. Work will keep me distracted during the day. I’ll plan to check in here after work as that’s when the cravings hit. I’ve also downloaded This Naked Mind on my kindle. I see my therapist next week and I’ll try to summon the courage to talk about my drinking. Hope everyone has a good day!
@KarenKW I am so sorry for your struggles. If you don’t mind I would like to share part of my struggle and the thing that I wouldn’t do for years that has ultimately helped me the most.
Hello Karen,
Your post echos a lot of what I have been through with alcohol. You are not alone! This app has helped me tremendously, just being able to read what others are going through helps and having something/someone to be accountable to. Reading posts here when I’ve wanted to drink has stopped me from taking that first drink.
If you’re on here, you have taken a good first step. If you know you need to stop drinking then it’s time to stop, just keep trying one day/minute at a time.
Know that the alcohol makes the anxiety and depression worse. Emotions are energy in motion, they need to be felt and then they are released. It can take a while if we have been suppressing emotions for a long time but I know from experience that crying is good for the soul. Let it out!!
Not sure if you have access to this but microdosing pycilybin has really helped me stay level and not fall into a pit of despair. Not sure what others think about that on here but it’s proven to help with depression and it’s non addictive.
Take care of yourself,
Rebecca
I can relate, I was a binge social drinker, until I embarrassed myself so often I did the “smart” thing and started hiding and drinking at home. And then I would fall asleep or pass out earlier and earlier until it was even before my kids came home. When I first tried to quit drinking, I did Annie Grace’s 30 day alcohol experiment. It really helped me learn and accept why alcohol is so negative and I stayed sober several months. I definitely recommend being honest with your therapist, you are doing yourself and them a disservice by not providing all the facts. An alcohol free life is not perfect, I am still anxious and shy, but it is so much better than when I was drinking. At least I don’t loathe myself anymore.
Hi! Please feel free to share your story. I know I have a lot to learn from all of you.
Thanks! I’ll definitely check out some podcasts. I’m a reader, so always looking for books as well. I know the 12 step program helps so many people. I’m an atheist so struggle with the higher power part. I’ve also done support groups/group therapy in the past and struggled with the group setting. I’m glad it works for you!
Please don’t let being an atheist keep you away from a 12 step program. I know plenty of people who struggled with the concept of HP who have been sober for years through the program. I wouldn’t be alive today if not for AA. You can do this!
There’s also a thread here for atheists and agnostics. Search atheist. Lots of good stuff there.
@KarenKW I have been in active addiction since 12 years old…I am 42…I’ve tried EVERYTHING to stay clean and sober… except going to meetings and working a program…so I’m doing that this time…I had a problem with meetings for some reason…but the last 53 days I have been going…I have a sponsor …I’m working a program…I feel a sense of community…I had always isolated myself…for the first time in my life I feel like I can do this and I know the rooms of AA was the missing link. I’m praying for you friend…you can do this!
Hi Karen. Your post resonates with me, as I have MH issues and use alcohol as a self medication.
My advice to you, as mentioned above, is to be completely honest with yourself but also your psych. In that way you can receive the help that you really need.
I am 14 days sober having slipped off the back of 4.5 months sober. It’s really hard, I won’t lie. I get that crushing anxiety pain also and I find it very difficult to sit with, which is why I drink. It it’s only a Band-Aid in the end, and the cycle gets bigger and stronger very quickly.
Be open and honest, keep reaching out here and you will get there if you want to.
Good luck
Thanks! I keep trying to remind myself that alcohol is only a temporary “fix” and that it actually makes things worse in the long run. I don’t do well sitting with my feelings. To be honest I’m struggling a bit right now. Just clocked out of work and really want a drink. Fortunately nothing in the house and I’m in my pjs.
I relate so much to your post! Haven’t been able to go 24 hours without a drink, I can’t remember the last time. I drink when I get home from work and can never just stop at one. I like how it makes my body feel…numb and in a way careless. I know the alcohol is terrible for my mental health. I sit in shame and regret a lot then the cycle starts all over again.
Hi Karen, I haven’t checked in for a while. How are you doing?