Im doing really shitty rught now. Idk what the exact trigger was but i feel like a scared kid again. I feel like a 5 year old driving an adults body. I feel so gross and dirty and generally just bad. I wanna crawl outta my skin. Ive taken my sleep meds (its 11pm as i type this) amd done some grounding exercises but i still feel shitty. I just feel like a scared kid and i want someone to hold me and tell me its gonna be ok
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I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I’m sending you the hug you need. I too was a victim of child sexual abuse 
it’s crazy the things that trigger the flashbacks. I decided 4 years ago that I was no longer going to numb out the memories. I was no longer going to stay stuck. I put down the booze and I said ENOUGH! The dirty horrible bastards that had access to me were no longer going to keep me living in fear and living in the dark. The best thing I did was drop my addictions. Four years on with work on healing, good therapy and support from my doctor I now can let these triggers in. I allow the memory to go into my head. I sit with it for a bit, I sometimes talk out loud to it. I feel it for a short while and then I let it go. It sounds like it’s impossible to do, especially when you are as scared as you are now but I promise you Amanda, we can heal! There is light at the end of the tunnel you are in, I’m proof of it! And you will be too! Just know that you are not alone! We are here……I AM HERE! Please be gentle with yourself. You are worth a sober life. You are worth a good life! Sending love to you my friend 
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We’re holding you. This community is holding you. You’re not alone and you will work through this. Sober and clean. We’re in this together. I’m working trough my past as well and it’s helping. One day at a time and all that. 
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Holding you and telling you it’s going to be okay. Sorry you’re having the flashbacks. I’m sorry the 5 year old you was hurt and traumatized and holding that child too.
The community is here for you.
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holding 
holding and holding 
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Have you sought professional help to cope with this past trauma?
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Amanda…so much has been stolen from you. Your abusers are gone I think, right? But you are here. You deserve a better life. I’m glad you found this place.
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Yea theyre all deceased now. Thank god. I wish it wasnt as hard as it is. But hey i hit 9 months sober this week so thats progress. Im slowly getting better. I feel bad when i talk about everything like this cause i make other people sad and i hate feeling like im burdening people.
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Im here for you too Amanda, you are never a burden here, never will be, i think you are amazing. Big hugs from me too 