Hiya Everyone! My name is Jill and this is my first post on any type of form. I have been an alcoholic for almost 20 years, with some dry periods but under the influence then most. For most part, I am a “functioning” but I have found lately I have dove head first in binge mode and my blackouts are absolutely terrible. I have wanted to be sober for quiet some time but my triggers get the best of me -oh it is a sunny day better have a ceaser- the ceaser being half a bottle of gin and mix for color so people cant tell. Over the weekend I blacked out and said horrific things to my partner and was throwing things…the worst part was the his daughter was there to witness all of it. I can not describe the shame and self loathing I am feeling. Today is the first day I can even get out of bed. I am NOT an abusive person, however, my dad was like that when I was a child and I am so scared I have turned out to be like him. Needless to say I am making a long over due decision to get sober and stop this cycle and I want to be the best person I know I can be . Does anyone know why one becomes so angry while drinking? Any advice on how to stop thinking that I am scum of the earth.
Thank you for reading 
Hello Jill, my name is Nate.
I have not had many problems with alcohol, but I am no stranger to regretting my actions. I have been abusive and I have hated myself for ages.
I’ve been working with a behavioral therapist who is helping me to change the way I think about myself.
The best thing that has helped me so far is positive self affirmations. I look myself in the mirror - in the eyes - every day and tell myself that I love myself, unconditionally, radically, and completely. Even my faults and flaws and the things in my past. “You are a good person, and I love you”.
It took days for me to be able to look myself in the eye, and weeks to be able to say “I love you.” Start small, and you will find yourself making progress faster than ever. It’s easier to move on when you treat yourself as your own best friend.
Best of luck to you - you deserve the best you.
I’m not sure it’s important why you get angry when you drink. I think it’s important to figure out why drink, and of the utmost importance to decide what you’re willing to do to stop drinking.
I used to drive drunk constantly. Really not sure why I did, but I did. The reason behind that would not have influenced my decision to get sober though. I did figure out that I drank and drugged because I was an alcoholic. What was most important to me was figuring out that I needed to go any, and all, lengths to stop.
Hi JIL, Congratulations on reaching out. I’ve found that I couldn’t stop drinking by myself. I needed help. This forum is a good start. Check out AA. They have online Zoom meeting, but I’m sure you can find one in your area. If AA isn’t your thing there are other recovery programs. I’m sure others will respond. There are some great people here with a lot of knowledge. Keep going. And keep reaching out. We all have to start where you are.
You are not the scum of the earth. But alcohol makes many people angry, or miserable, or sex-crazed. I can barely believe the things I did and said drunk. I don’t know why, lower inhibitions, artificially exaggerated emotions? The why is less important than if you don’t drink then it doesn’t happen. And as an added bonus, not drinking gives you the clarity and energy to work on being your better self when you are not drunk.