So I do some freelance sort of work. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to turn anyone down, I don’t want to make anyone sad. But one of my clients has really been taking advantage of me— it’s borderline abusive. I want to quit working for him. I want to tell him to find someone else to do his stuff for him. I want him out of my life so badly. But I can’t bring myself to do it, at least not sober. I don’t want to ruin all my hard work just because some a-hole is taking advantage of me and knows that I can’t say no, that I just roll over and agree to do anything for a pitiful amount of money (I’m talking like $5/hr after he’s done using me) and having me respond to him at ridiculous hours. I tried to tell my friend about it but he just blamed me and basically told me I was dumb to let him take advantage of me in the first place. I told him I was just trying to be nice, that I don’t want to make him sad, that I don’t want him to feel hurt, and I feel like I’m doing something nice for someone. And I think last week I just couldn’t stop using because I was anxious all the time and exhausted from so much work being demanded from a single client who doesn’t have a shred of appreciation or respect for me. And the money I’ve made has been negative in the amount it leads me to spending on drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, not to mention the cost to my time, health, sobriety, and sanity— it’s too much. But you all can see how hard it is for me to say no, to walk away. I’m scared. I feel like I’m doing something really bad because I’m scared how mad he’s going to get at me. I usually work through, say, an agency that takes a percentage of my earnings. I lowered my rate for him significantly. Then I worked for him through the agency for a while, until he wanted a lower rate. I offered to go off the books so that I could lower my rate. It was already pitiful, and I put myself at an enormous risk for this person. Then he contacts me and says he wants the rate even lower. And then starts becoming more demanding of what he wants from me. I want to shrivel up with a bottle of whiskey and not think about it. It’s so much pressure. My plan is to finish most of this last project he wants from me . . . for free. Then he should be happy so I can quit and it will balance out and he won’t be sad. I’m sorry for this very depressing story everyone. I hope that cutting off this relationship will help with my recovery, but I’m so scared.
I think whether you work for free or quit right now you need to remove this person from your life ASAP…however your recovery depends solely upon yourself. We are all here for you and want you to get better.
Thank you, I’m glad I realised that having these bad relationships is making it hard to manage my emotions which makes it hard to stay sober. I’m grateful I could write about it here
good morning, i get what you feel like you are in a bad situation. sadly but very necessary in Recovery we cut out people that are toxic to our purpose, sometimes friends sometimes family and sometimes Employers. i feel for you and how you perceive what other people may or may not feel. it sounds like this guy will be an ass no matter if you stay or go. the diference is if you go he will be an ass to someone else.
Right now YOU matter and you are worth standing up for YOUR feelings.
Best of luck to you . Stay Present.
ps you dont need to appologise for your share. you may inspire someone else anytime you share.
Thanks for the response— I know I have to let this one go, I guess I’m just really bad at handling people being upset with me. My brain is telling me to “make a special exception” and just give in and drink and then that will make it easier. But I am not going to do that, not when it took me all those nights of craving and anxiety to make it to three days
Must be awful being messed around by such a monster! Some people just end up thinking they own the place… Glad you could share here, we’re all in this together trying to settle our lives and find an equilibrium.
I’m sure you’ll feel a lot better clear of this toxic relationship; I hope you be some new contacts who appreciate you for your work and pay you accordingly.
Best wishes
Setting boundaries is important, and you’ve done a great job listing reasons why — this clearly is an unhealthy situation for you. And for people like us, who want everyone to come out of a situation with what they want, with no one upset with anyone else, no matter what it costs us, setting these boundaries is really, really difficult.
But it can be done. I did freelance work myself, and ended up in similar types of situations. I’ve worked tons for free when I should have stuck up for myself.
You just have to leave if you can’t make it work. No easy way around it. Fulfill your contractual and professional obligations, deliver the work you’ve already done, send an invoice for the portion of the work done (if you’re paid by the hour rather than by the deliverable), hand over the keys, and walk away.
They might resist. They might be manipulative. They might even threaten. But if you are doing your part, 100% on the right side of the law and what legally constitutes your work agreement, there’s not really anything they can do. They could bad-mouth you to other people, but they’re not going to be super motivated because they’ve already lost, the threat here was more valuable to them than the actual act. Plus who will take them seriously? They could harass you, but just block them. They could stay mad at you, but it doesn’t matter because you’re not working for them and never will again. This project is basically the extent of 95% of your exposure to this client’s toxicity, so once you say no, things get simpler. Simpler does not mean easier, but it will get easier.
It’s hard to say no but stick to it. Manipulators are masters at turning “no” back into “fine, but only if ____” into “yes”. You need to be consistent with your answer and say no several times until they understand they won’t get anywhere with you.
Leaving the situation is in your power, and so is staying sober to do it. Yes that is absolutely correct. You can do it sober. How? Oh it’ll be nerve-wracking and awkward and you’ll question if you’re doing the right thing, but none of those feelings actually harm you or prevent you from following through. In my experience you have to meet feelings like that and accept that they will have to be an unpleasant part of the near future to get what you want. Surround yourself with the support you need from others and from yourself (self care, therapeutic activities, etc.) and tough it out, because what you want is on the other side.
I’ve also learned boundary issues tend to repeat themselves in my life if I don’t work on and put effort into creating healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are not always comfortable. It’s an ongoing process and I still struggle a lot with them, but certain things are becoming more natural with time.
I wouldn’t finish this project unless you are contractually obligated. It sounds like finishing the project, even for free, will not make him happy. He’ll want more to feel happy. That, or he will be happy, and he’ll want more of the same, and for you that means more working for free with insane stress. Also, it is an illusion that his happiness is within your control at all. Equally important, it’s not your responsibility. The Serenity Prayer is a good guide:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Grant me the courage to change the things I can
Grant me the wisdom to know the difference
You can’t change:
- This guy’s behaviour
- Whether he is happy or not
- What has already happened
- The fact that this situation sucks and is as difficult as it is
You can change:
- Whether you protect yourself from further manipulation by walking away
- Whether you say yes or no to things you don’t want to do
- What behaviour you will tolerate
- How you respond (or not respond) towards him
- Whether you will drink or use drugs during this time
- How you set boundaries in the future
Sincerely,
A friend walking the same path who doesn’t want you tripping on more of the same rocks he’s tripped on.
That is amazing that u are able to Notice and seperate thought from reality. You keep that up and you are going to be ok.
Hey everyone, thank you all for your support and advice. I was working on his project, and then after like an hour of work, I just wanted to give up. The more he talked to me, the more I felt like I was his dog. I kept trying to push myself to do more, but I was just so sad. So I wrote a long message saying that I cannot work for him anymore, and that I have a lot of other work to do, and that I wanted to make everyone in my life happy, including him, but I can’t. I said I just wasn’t enough, and that maybe if I were smarter and faster, then this would be worth it, but I’m not. I said I wouldn’t be responding to anything anymore. I wished him good luck finding another person. I told him the truth though I’m not sure that will lead to the best outcome.
I hope he knows now that it’s over. I tried to tell him last Friday that I would be working on other things that weekend and that I was sad, but he still contacted me anyway, so I am not so confident that he will leave me alone now. I feel really guilty. I feel like if I were better then I could suck it up and do it. I feel like I chickened out because I didn’t want to work harder.
I don’t want to give in and break my 3 day streak. I’m going to try to keep myself occupied and do work for my other job. A lot of things gnawing at my mind, but I hope this will be over with now. Thanks again everyone.
I am so glad to be able to share this here. I have gone through bad situations in the past but they usually led to getting wasted to the point where I couldn’t function for a week and then I would eventually forget about it. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I am thankful to this community, you have helped me so much.
That is very useful advice, thanks! I will screenshot this list of what is and isn’t in my control. I had the serenity prayer in a frame (a therapist gave it to me when I was in high school), but I didn’t take it with me when I moved. I haven’t thought about it for a long time, but it is a good reminder.
Good for you. You’re controlling what you can control! You’re doing hard things sober! You’re moving on to better things! It may take time to grow comfortable with the decision because self-doubt is real, but the longer you stay the course, the more evidence you feed your mind that you can do this, she the easier it gets to chase off the self-doubt.
I have a tendency to see and/or paint myself as a victim in hard situations I end up in. It matches how I feel, like things are unfair and I’m powerless to do anything about it. But I’m practicing owning my side of things, particularly my ability to change the situation, even if what I’m changing it to isn’t really what I was hoping for, even if I feel like it’s not fair. It’s frickin hard sometimes, but man is it empowering. Instead of waiting for the situation to change, I can change the situation, or change myself, and reach a liveable state sooner.
The guilty feeling is totally normal. You naturally want to help people, live up to expectations, make the whole world run smoothly. Just remember keeping yourself healthy is more important than keeping other people happy.
Short term pain, long term gain. You can stay the course. Your three day streak can turn into four, and then more. Just do what you need to do to make your head hit the pillow sober. 