Hi all. I’m struggling. I know that I drink to deal with stress and I was doing fine, but relapsed because my spouse buys alcohol. I asked him to lock it up so I wouldn’t be tempted to drink, but he still buys stuff that stays in the fridge. I was doing ok staying away from it until I had a really stressful day and decided one wouldn’t hurt. How can I kick this thing if my spouse doesn’t get it. Maybe I just need to check in here every evening for support. Any suggestions?
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Welcome!! There are a few of us here who have partners that still drink. It adds a bit more complexity to our quest for sobriety, but we can and do get sober in a home with someone who still drinks.
For myself, one of the more important things I had to truly learn and get was that my drinking was 100% my responsibility …it didn’t matter if I was at a party where others were drinking, if I was bummed out and wanted to drown my sorrows, if I was happy and wanting to celebrate, if I was sitting next to someone on the couch chugging their drink of choice…whether or not I drank was up to me and me alone. Sure, it would be a wee bit easier not having to see smell or look at alcohol, but this is my reality, so I work with the cards I have.
For the longest time I just could not get sober because of his drinking. Or so I thought. My drinking is mine. His drinking is his. Your partner may or may not be supportive, they may or may not learn and grow with you on this journey, they may or may not keep drinking, they may or may not sabotage you…in the end, always, each moment…whether I drink or not is up to no one…absolutely no one but me. Whoosh…that was HUGE to get.
I won’t sugar coat it, it was effin hard not to drink around a drinking person. I put myself to bed early A LOT…a luxury and a privilege believe me I know. I took a lot of fitness classes at evenings out of the house back when that was a thing…bike rides on weekends or walks or runs or yoga or baths or reading, sleeping, crying, avoiding, sitting on this app all day…whatever it took to keep myself from drinking.
My partner did not understand anything about my alcohol issue in the beginning. They understand more now and still 4 plus years later of my own sobriety they still drink, sometimes heavily. And I still do not drink. Is it ideal? No. But I love and respect my partner. They are kind, trustworthy, loving, respectful, a truly good human…probably the most honest and principled person I have ever met. 
I often say only YOU know the heart of your relationship and that is vital with a partner who drinks. At least in my mind.
Anyway…that was a long rambling reply. 
Over the years this question is raised frequently, so I put together some links to threads which discuss a partner who drinks…maybe you will find some inspiration or insight there. I hope so!
Getting sober in a drinking home can be done. It might not be easy or pretty or comfortable, but it is do able.
Your idea to check in here daily is SPOT ON. This place was and is instrumental for me for support, sobriety and community.
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I lived on here in the beginning! It does help. Those that maintain sobriety tend to develop good relationships on here.
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I too live with a partner who drinks, not to mention we have many family get togethers and go out where others drink. When I decided to not drink I told myself the world will go on and just because I choose not to drink I can’t expect others that drink to stop drinking around me. I think I look at it like a dietary issue, I cant drink or I cant eat red meat but others can eat red meat i still serve and buy red meat for others and when I go to others houses I bring an alternative if I know they will have red meat but i wont ask them not to eat red meat around me. I was so worried my jealousy of not drinking while my partner would drink would get the best of me, but soon I realized I had nothing to be jealous of and that after all I was doing this for me! I looked at all the benefits from not drinking to really care what others are doing. Try to look at what you’re gaining instead of losing. Remind yourself why you choose not to drink for you. Have a list of activities that you can distract yourself with when you see the booze and want it, read a book, take a walk, draw, write in a journal about what your feeling, take a bath, watch a favorite movie, play with your pet, write a letter, email a friend. Maybe you have hobbies? Work on your hobby, get your mind off of the temptation, get on this app and read others stories know you are not alone!
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Thank you! I love that advice!
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Thank you! That helps a lot. You are spot on about my not drinking being my issue.
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I just have to take myself out of certain situations, wait till any urges subside before i allow myself around that kind of activity. There can be drinks around me but i dont have to partake. i can see a sign that may trigger me into thinking i want to have 1, which i know i cant but i need to do the work to get off the train of thought get to a meeting reach out, go for a walk, call a sponsor, read up on here, anything but pick up and drink. I was once told no one forces you to drink, but peer pressure can be very influential in my choices so i have better support networks of sober people i go to for help.
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I am struggling with the same thing and everyday I get home from work she is well on her way. I am not sure how she can even function most days. She is reclusive, avoids me and goes out in the yard or porch to sit and drink. I feel so bad for her. I tried talking to her about it but it falls on deaf ears. Fridge is always full of beer which is tempting too. Many times I’ve said if you can’t beat them join them but I don’t want to go back there. For me it is no longer an option. I never want to drink again. But it is difficult with no support from your spouse.
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This is a great thread. Lots of support and understanding. Thanks again for sharing.
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Oh…that’s exactly what I do. My husband can have just one drink but I can’t do that. Thanks so much for sharing. You definitely inspire me to put on my big girl pants and make better choices.
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Thanks Darby. That’s awesome that you are not only staying strong for you, but trying to help your spouse as well. I definitely need to plug into this community regularly. It’s so uplifting to hear about people pulling through the same issues. It’s so hard, but easier with support.
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My wife still drinks and has cut back, my journey is not hers, not drinking is on me. I attend parties and laugh when the whole crew feels like crap because they had to many shots, glad it was not me, 184 days sober after 33 years
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