So for some years now I’ve been struggling with my mental health. It’s always been something bothering me but even so in the last 2-3 years.
A lot of days nowadays I just feel hopeless and like I should just end it all and not bother. It’s the little things pushing me more and more over the edge. Like for example how I look my computer breaking down ect ect. Just a lot of seemingly meaningless things that in the end all just combine and make me feel miserable.
I don’t practice sh as far as I’m aware but there have been instances where for example I’ve actively pushed myself in the way of “accidental” harm. And I did a few times injure myself on purpose with the goal in mind being to do so. If that counts as sh. Idk honestly.
But a lot of it is tied to just school life and family life. For example my parents constantly argue threatening divorce then bashing me when i take it seriously ect. As well as just being rude for no reason. Same goes for my sister who is outright spoiled and further aggravates them which causes them to take it out on me.
I try not to be dramatic and act solely on emotions but sometimes I can’t help it. So this leads to me actively planning when I will “end it all”.
I won’t go through with it actually I don’t think but it’s always there on the back of my mind consuming my mind for the majority of the day. I can never seem to be fully happy because I know the second I start being happy in any capacity it’s going to go to shit. I’m very anxious and just overwhelmed with everything nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t understand people anymore I don’t know how I’m supposed to act anymore.
I’m supposed to be the happy go lucky person that has no issues I feel like people are disappointed with me. Even more so if they’d know the true extent of my thoughts and wishes of not existing anymore. Living everyday feels forced. Like I’m not in the right place. As if something is constantly wrong with me.
I’m not looking for a pity party or anything. I just need to get all my thoughts out.
Simply put I’d want to just disappear one day and for everyone to forget me so that then I could finally not have to bear the guilt of feeling this way. So that I could finally do what I want. I know it’s not right to think this way but I don’t know how to change that. I’m very apathetic overall with no motivation to do anything ever.
Sorry for the rambling thank you to anyone who read through.
Thank u for sharing @Moku. Im glad ur here and expressing urself. Mental stuff is not easy at all. I suffered from mental illness for years also and it was a huge factor in my addiction to drugs and alcohol and self harming behaviours. And as much as i tried to “fix” what was going on, on my own, i needed help from professionals. My Dr prescribed me medication to help and it has been life saving (literally) for me. That and therapy has been so helpful. Have u ever sought out help from a Dr at all? Maybe they could give u some guidance Its soooo difficult to function everyday when mental health issues are active full force. I am wishing u all the best.
Dear @Moku, your post resonates with me deeply. I have felt and still feel the same. I have mental health issues, I have meds and I have several professionals taking care of me, but I still get these moments of total hopelessness and urges to harm myself. I just can’t help it. Occasionally, too often my life seems meaningless like I don’t have a future at all… I’d like to feel joy and happiness but I can’t just help myself.
But there’s always a light in the end of the tunnel. Staying sober is crucial on this path to healing. I also rely on my network of professionals. What kind of support network do you have? Are you on meds? Remember, you’re not alone and there’s help for broken people like us. We just gotta find the strength to ask for it. It ain’t easy, but remember, you don’t have to suffer, you are not alone.
This is heartbreaking and I wish I had all the right answers, but I don’t. However, I DO have time to listen and to let you know that you’re not alone. We’re here for you. Sending you a big hug
Hi @Moku I’m so sorry your feeling so dreadful . Mental health is something everyone of us struggle s with at some point s in our life and you sound like a very kind and sensitive soul that cares about everyone in your life your feelings are important and your life is worthy and you absolutely are Would you consider going to talk to the doctor about your feelings of suicide no one should have to feel as you are and there are professionals who will be able to help you . please talk to us in the mean time especially when you feel really low . What you’ve posted tonight was very brave and you should be proud of you for reaching out ,I’m sending you a massive hug
I do not go to therapy nor am I on meds. Mostly because I’ve always thought I could tough it out but it has been getting worse in the recent years. Thank you for the kind wishes and I wish the same to you thank you.
Haven’t before but I do want to. I feel like I will once I finally come clean and come to terms with the fact I need help. It is the truth that I feel kind of a blockage to express myself. Especially because I’ve always struggled with it. But I am working on getting to a point where I can get help someday.
I am sorry to hear you are struggling, @Moku, mental health (and family!) can do a real number on you. On top of what others already mentioned, it may be worth considering remote support. I don’t know where you are based but I just Googled ‘suicide helpline’ and got some excellent options for those US based, see here:
Thanks for sharing. A lot of what you said resonated with me. Firstly, your existance is a result of so many random past chances and choices that it really is miraculous and precious. Your existance has a lot of worth, just by itself. That being said, it can feel hard and empty. Some things that can help are letting go of things you can’t control, appreciating things that are good, and making small efforts to improve (which feeds into more motivation and confidence). Of course, sometimes that is not enough, and we need help from doctors or medication.
You are not ‘supposed’ to be anyone other than you are. And who you are is not ‘wrong’ or ‘right’, we are all just a mixture of different characteristics, bumbling along.
Its soooo difficult to function everyday when mental health issues are active full force. I am wishing u all the best.
However, I DO have time to listen and to let you know that you’re not alone. We’re here for you. Sending you a big hug 
Would you consider going to talk to the doctor about your feelings of suicide no one should have to feel as you are and there are professionals who will be able to help you . please talk to us in the mean time especially when you feel really low . What you’ve posted tonight was very brave and you should be proud of you for reaching out ,I’m sending you a massive hug 