(TW: PMO "moderation") Porn alternative

Advice & Questions
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Hey guys, ive got a porn addiction I want to get rid of.

Ive realised it’s slowly rewired my brain to get aroused by weirder and weirder kinks that I wouldnt want to do in real life (thank to the free porn industry being horribly demeaning to women and just generally an invention in itself rather than a reflection of actual sex).

It’s also started to affect my sexual drive during intercourse which sucks.

I do want to continue masturbating fairly frequently as I believe it to be healthy for me (ive got a really high sex drive).

Ideally I’d like to be able to orgasm (alone) simply by focusing on the feeling, and maybe using my imagination, but I know that trying to do that from the get go wont work. Ive tried many times and eventually it takes so damn long that I give up after a few times and go back to some hardcore porn to relieve myself much faster.

I would really appreciate it if some of you could point me towards softer pornographic material that will help me transition to not needing porn at all. I dont believe all pornographia is bad in itself, mostly the widely available stuff you see on the front pages of every major porn site. Absolute garbage for your brain. Maybe some websites that focus on porn for women ? (Im a guy). Literotica recommendations also welcomed, as well as your opinions on how to get rid of this addiction. Some days it feels harder to quit porn that alcohol or cigarettes.

Thanks for getting all the way down here, and for anyone also doing sober october or battling any other addiction, all the strength to ya !

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Hi brother, it’s nice meeting you and I’m happy to lend my voice if it helps.

Boy you are describing the same problem I realized I had: nothing did it except porn. (In that way it’s a lot like other addictions: at first it seems harmless. Eventually, it’s all you can think about, even when you try not to.)

Why do you want to moderate? What would that give you that a healthy life with healthy relationships wouldn’t?

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Speaking from experience, what you seek does not exist. Porn will never satisfy you. Real satisfaction comes from taking control of your body. My libido is quite strong, but that is no reason to live as a slave to my body. You can be free of this. It’s your choice.

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As I mentionned, I’ve tried quitting cold turkey many times and it never sticks. I eventually do want to quit all types of porn altogether, but I know if Im gonna succeed this time it needs to be gradual. I think this will help me rewire my desire to mirror more what I want from real relationships.

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Are you saying getting ridnof masturbation altogether? That’s clearly not something I want, nor find healthy for myself. That being said I will attempt no fap november to gain more insight, but given the current times it’s so much harder and less safe to have random hook ups that I do need to control my libido somehow.

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What have you done to get to the deeper reasons why you use? Sex/porn addiction recovery groups / therapy / etc?

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I’ve invited you to the private thread for men recovering from porn / sex addictions - you’ll find a lot of valuable insight there.

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I struggled with this since the age of thirteen. I’m 41. You’re trying to go back to using less stimulation to get what you want. That’s impossible. I don’t agree that masturbation is healthy. It isn’t even necessary. It’s a dopamine chase for an empty reward. I haven’t masterbated for over ten months. I’m healthy, and don’t suffer at all from not doing it. I get horny a lot, and that’s just fine.

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Havent been to therapy regarding porn, I just know porn is bad, I mean it’s a very f*cked up reflection of sex, and I am quite aware at how my brain can rewire itself regarding addictions and desires (ive battled with drugs, and currently with alcohol and tobacco). It also becomes quite evident once you start needing to visualise porn scenes while having sex to orgasm…

Thanks for adding me there!

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My pleasure. Have a read through the thread; I’m sure you’ll identify with a lot of what you find.

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I completely get that masturbation might not be healthy for you. However im a 22 year old, very sexually active man. Im not saying im the norm or its opposite, but I believe staying as sexually active as I want is healthy for me. However progressively only getting aroused by hardcore kinks is not. And that’s what I want to get rid of. Not masturbation or sex.

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This experience of feeling like you have a higher sex drive than most is typical for many men in recovery from porn/sex addiction. It is - like most addictions - really your “addict brain” giving you excuses to escape your life and your healthy responsibilities.

The belief that we have a “higher sex drive” is a lie (or we could call it a fixation) we use to avoid the work that really scares us: working on healthy, vulnerable, emotional intimacy.

Whatever your “sex drive”, the basic human need is for emotional connection, for intimacy. This is true whether you’re 15, 22, 41, or 85 years old.

This is hard to understand until you’ve worked awhile on healthy respect for yourself and your emotional needs. But as you engage with your identity and your true needs, gradually you’ll understand.

Patrick Carnes has researched and written extensively on this. There’s a good post here from one of the clinics using his material, on the difference between intensity and intimacy, and how one nourishes us, while the other starves us:
https://integrityrestored.com/intensity-vs-intimacy/

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Hmm. What I’m hearing loud and clear is you’d like to get away only from pornography.

I don’t greatly struggle with this, but I’m a healthy guy who’s questioned his relationship with all of that from time to time, especially after hearing the experience of others here. It’s certainly good to recognize the warning signs of things going too far, and want to cut out the porn that can deeply distort our healthy sexual relationships.

It’s of course deeply personal. We can only judge for ourselves.

What you’re seeking though sounds like what I experienced trying to quit drinking. They call it “experimenting with control.” Like, vodka is too strong so maybe I’ll try just sticking with beer. For the addict/alcoholic, this turns into still many wasted hours obsessing over beer but still not ever being satisfied. Then comes a bigger relapse.

It’s a pattern that seems to go on and on until we decide enough is enough. Of course with sex it’s a little more complicated, as some amount is considered healthy.

So we have to ask it for ourselves. Is the masturbation getting in the way of our lives? Would it actually be easier to just not do it, and work on healthy relationships instead?

Truly, I don’t know. These guys have some stuff worth thinking about though. And I thank you all for being so open about it as it makes me stop and ask myself as well.

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It’s our pleasure Eke! :smile: You raise some really good points. One of the things I value about this forum is the parallels we can find across addictions.

Comparing what I’ve learned here about (for example) alcohol addiction, I’ve started looking at it this way when comparing alcohol & porn/sex addiction: addiction is about escaping, avoiding, numbing. Sobriety - or more generally, living a healthy, balanced life - is about seeing and experiencing your feelings and needs, and growing in response to them. (When we’re running away, into addiction, we don’t grow in this way.)

In that way, sex/porn addictions are very similar to alcohol addictions.

On the surface, they seem different. I mean, hundreds of millions of people have sex every day, right? How many people have an alcohol addiction every day? It’s tempting to think they’re different in that way.

But - I think that comparison misses a key point. The addiction is the fixative obsession with one goal (pursued without consideration of its effect on our relationships): escape from a life we don’t want to live / don’t believe we can handle. Defined in that way, then the parallels between the two are clearer: addiction to alcohol takes an activity that many people do in healthy relationship settings (for example, having a drink at dinner), and makes it an activity that is instead about avoidance of healthy living & responsibilities; addiction to sex/porn takes another interpersonal activity (sex - it’s two people, but the key thing is it’s still an interpersonal, relational activity) and makes it about avoidance of healthy living & responsibilities.

There are interesting psychological and neurological parallels as well: in both cases, alcohol addiction and sex/porn addiction, dopamine - the anticipation hormone - plays a key role. In healthy lives, dopamine has an important connection to goals and achievement. In a life focused on addiction, we’ve established habits and routines where we pursue dopamine for its own sake: we have empty, hollow activities of addiction that we chase and chase and chase, and the whole time, it’s hollow. No substance. No achievement.

That’s a bit bleak but it’s also a hopeful message, at least, I think it is: we can find our way to a healthy, balanced life with healthy relationships with others. No one says it will happen overnight, but it can and does happen, every day. It also means we don’t have to “moderate”. We don’t have to insert this dependency into our lives, to survive. We can be independent and free - and we can live full, healthy, constructive lives, one day at a time.

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Oh, absolutely @Matt. This, I think, is probably at the core of just about all addiction. Getting that quick jolt that’s never enough, while having an aversion to the day to day that doesn’t have to be so bad (and may be more rewarding) if we just see it through.

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I was much in the same position you were in about a month or so. At first, I thought that I could be without porn and still masturbate healthily. Only recently has this changed after about 20 days of no porn will still masturbating somewhat regularly. My suggestion would be to quit porn and stick to it as you have already made some realization in that area. Personally, after going without porn and still masturbating, I still felt tied down and stuck in my ways in a sense. Maybe no porn but still craving masturbation. At first I think it was necessary to masturbate without porn for me at least, as I would have most likely relapsed if not. Now that I have more than a few days under my belt, I am ready to tackle the bigger addiction. I understand what your saying about having a higher sex drive but I would first distance yourself from porn and then evaluate. Good luck

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Once you break the boundaries, there is a price to pay to recover your natural sexual urges. This is the cold hard truth. There is only one sexual apparatus in each of us. There is not a separate one for deviant behavior. The only way to fix it is to shut it down and reboot. Good luck.

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This is good stuff, Matt. The truth shall set you free.

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Semon retention are the benefits like they say they are?

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I think there’s a line between sexual self-control, which is natural and healthy, and magical thinking that “semen retention will give you power”. It’s not the physical retention of semen that has a positive effect. It’s the effort to develop yourself, your healthy, balanced living. It’s the effort to live a life where you don’t run to porn or masturbation or meaningless sex.

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