Around a month and five days clean from SH, but it’s all just gotten worse. I’ve been beating myself up more than usual, and every time I do something wrong, whether it’s in school, sports, or socially my first thought is to start dragging my fingernail against my wrist until it bleeds. A couple weeks ago, I would only have the urges at night, but now the urge to cut is always at the back of my mind.
Everything has turned into a weapon lately. A couple days ago I somehow hurt myself with a wrapper. I thought it was harmless so I kept running it across my wrist. Around an hour later I noticed a red mark where the wrapper had been, which sent me into a loop of hating myself. Another time I got my hands on one of the Starbucks cup plugs. I’m describing it poorly but it’s green and basically covers the part where you sip your coffee. I had to throw it out because I started uncontrollably running it across my wrist, and I know it was sharp enough to cut.
I think the real scary thing is that my fear of self harm has depleted. Cutting doesn’t seem at all bad anymore, in fact my brain has convinced me that it would help. This morning I got up and found myself desperately craving a blade across wrist. It felt like I couldn’t get up unless it was to cut.
I think the only thing that is keeping me from relapsing is the fear that my mom will find the cut. Last time she saw the cuts on my wrist she grabbed it and gave me the silent treatment. I couple days later I saw the cuts on her own wrist.
Anyway, I really don’t know if I’m going to make it another week, and I’m hoping that some people on here will help give me advice.
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Desire to self-harm stems from psychological or emotional distress. You would probably benefit counselling or therapy. It is unfortunate your mother did not react more warmly. If she cut herself too, I suspect she has had her own issues with it and seeing the same thing in you made her feel guilty. The same happened with me and my son. It could be a way forward for you? She can at least understand your feelings and you could be a support to each other if you both are just open and free of judgement.
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I really get the part where u described cutting as no longer scary anymore.
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Have you tried Jesus yet
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Hugs and friendship to you my friend