Type B married to a Type A personality

[This.Will.Be.My.Year]

Thank you so much for your feedback!
I was hoping to get some comments from type A people because I want to hear both sides. Like if I’m in the wrong then i need to know so I can adjust.

So I’m 35 and actually just got officially diagnosed with ADHD last year! We have always joked about me being ADHD, but when I went to therapy we did some testing and it was confirmed. After reading all kinds of infos on it, it just made so much sense! It has also helped me understand myself better and to know what works and what doesn’t work for me.

Honestly the diagnosis was a huge relief because all these years I was struggling trying to be what I thought was normal. Hence the alcohol addiction to cope. I also have HSP (hypersensitive-person) and pretty and cozy things give me peace.

We don’t need an external storage unit. It’s really not that bad could I get rid of clothes? Sure but I have also been working on that and even before we moved donated 2 large bags. BUT he wants me to throwy books away after i read it, or if it’s been unread for a year what horror! Who throws away books!

Oh and yes, i plan on “storing” my things in the guest bedroom. But my dilemma again, we are having to throw away a giant closet, because it got damaged and some of the parts that were stored in the basement of our last place got wet. So here i am again with literally only a bed in the guest room

[This.Will.Be.My.Year]

So what’s interesting about this, is that i just had to take a screenshot of your comment earlier, (about he would lay an egg if you saw your living room) and I sent it to my mother-in-law because I thought it was the greatest thing ever. She also died laughing and told me to show this to him
Course I am not going to because I don’t want to make the situation worse but ended up sending her my OG post and get first response was " i wonder if he’s OCD"!

How crazy is that! So I was talking to her about this, and apparently she got diagnosed with OCD later on in life and she wonders if the same is happening to him.

So when he is with her in the states, she is going to pursue this topic further and get him to see a doctor and possibly get back on medication once he’s back in Switzerland.

[This.Will.Be.My.Year]

Oh and btw, I was thinking earlier about going to Reddit with my dilemma. I am not on Reddit but I know a lot of people post things like this on there. BUT then I was like wait there is a much better Community out there than that!

And I was right! I have missed you guys and the support but also honesty and concern! It doesn’t get netter than this!

[This.Will.Be.My.Year]

Yeah like I said we’ve been together for 9 years and this started… I would say in March and has gotten progressively worse. Talking to his mom about it she believes that there are stressors from work and him trying to do his Masters on the side that he is projecting into other things. Also he actually really loves the dog. The dog was with me when he came along, so he has never known a relationship with me without the dog. And I would choose the dog over him if it really came down to it

So i feel like i should say at this point he’s an awesome guy and I love him to death. I will support him through anything but I’m keeping my three things and buying some damn cabinets!

Me, the dog and he isn’t going anywhere! We just need to tackle the issue before it does end up at the point of no return.

[erntedank]

I hope you both can solve the issue soon and he gets help
Give the old dog a scratch

[This.Will.Be.My.Year]

[Lgrant1005]

Once you buy a storage shelf or some type of wall unit it will change what he sees - bc everything has to stay on the floor with no shelves. You have a beautiful space

[Olivia]

Hey there,
another type A here Your husband sure sounds extreme. Like other posters before me, I do think you both could benefit from professional help. He might even need some personal counselling. If he is refusing help, it’s not easy. He might attend when pushed but it’s not necessary beneficial. Obviously, I don’t know him so you need weigh options.

I learnt my traits from my mother. She kept rigid command even for my dad when we were growing up. When I was old enough to understand I was taught how to clean. I’m also a thorough person, so I took painstakingly long sometimes. Some of it fell away when I left for college.

Fast forward a couple of decades, myriad of mental health issues and long term therapy, I’m now able to loosen up. I can deal with clutter and dirty dishes. I can turn off lights even when things are not right on their spot. I think it’s a result of many things, and let’s remember that everyone has their own path. I lived with a shattered sense of basic security until my mid 30s. My inner world was is constant turmoil with anxiety, fear, resentment, unforgiveness, worry, perfectionism etc. Since I didn’t have means to cope with outward stress like studies and work or with the turbulence, I became a Bossy Organiser. Organising outward things AND OTHER PEOPLE gave me the sense (or illusion) of control I was lacking. That is all subconscious btw, and younger me would not have believed any of it. As a result of working on myself on sooo many levels, my need to organise is much much less. It’s still there and I do do a thorough job when I start something.

Another thing that has helped me in a weird way, was my depression. I sought love and acceptance through always performing 100%. Anything less was unacceptable and a personal failure. I also held the bar high for other people and would judge them like I judged myself. It was hard to let go of my responsibilities when I was losing my will live. I still wanted to perform but couldn’t. Gradually I accepted the fact that I’m not gonna reach 100% anymore. I needed to welcome Imperfection, who is actually not at all bad company.

My younger sister is OCD so I understand that the compulsory rituals (that’s how she calls them) don’t follow reason and won’t change overnight.

My two cents. I hope something resonated. Good luck to you both.

[fl_flower_grl]

Lol please don’t throw books away!!

And I’m glad you didn’t think I was trying to invalidate your experience. I certainly am not in any way. I do truly believe that in most situations there is a compromise that can work for both people - sometimes its just hard to get there!!

My husband is 33 and unwilling to seek a diagnosis but my brother is extremely adhd and so was my ex husband, so I’m pretty aware of the signs and how to effectively communicate. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you just need different skills and coping tools. So glad you’re learning them!!

Big hugs as you navigate all of this. I hope your spouse can see that you’re trying and put in some effort as well

[BLOODSHOTJOKER]

I can be like this. It stems from my parents both being very stern with me about having all of my stuff picked up.
Im more stern with our children about this than my wife.
My mom recently out of observation said, “I wish I wasnt so obsessed with having a clean house when you were a kid.” As a way of saying she wished i wasnt that way and she sees it as something she may have caused.
Idk. Being tidy isn’t a crime, but it can certainly border on ocd, and at that point I have to tell myself to relax, a homes meant to be lived in, and take a seat on the couch

[Eke]

It was hard to gauge your original post without context but… That’s pretty spartan!

For context, I’m like you but strive to be more like your husband. I live alone, but like some decor and also have hobbies/handiness that can lead to bits of clutter.

When I moved out of the place I lived in during my worst drinking years, I was stunned by how much junk I had to go through. Not a hoarder by any stretch. Still, all those years in one place, it’s wild how things stack up in the closets. I try much harder in my new place to be more critical of what I need to keep, and stay organized.

All to say I appreciate both sides. Is your hobby space (and it should be okay for you to have one!) as slim as that living space? Cuz that really ain’t much. Outside looking in, the dog’s stuff looks like a lot cuz they’re scattered about amid very little else.

You have the right approach, I think. It’s good to appreciate his perspective of keeping things neat, but he’s gotta be okay having things around you need. Like you say, having storage helps from feeling cluttery and claustrophobic. To give things a proper place.

If he can’t even tolerate a coffee table, it might be a thing to discuss in couples counseling. Or maybe ask for an organizing/decor consultant (think Marie Kondo) to give an outside perspective?

In my new place I started over with furniture/decorating. Choosing stuff with purpose helped everything feel more cohesive, and weave in some storage.

[Eke]

Yeah. On a more personal note, this is really important too.

As you said above, Gloria, if this is popping up suddenly, it seems more likely he’s going through some feelings. I know when I get wound up I start to turn to places like my personal space as a matter of control. I feel powerless, but I think I can get power back by taking control of my space instead.

I’ll take my feelings out on cleaning (which aint all bad, it feels good to tidy up too).

Maybe he’s got other things he needs to talk about and doesn’t realize it. It’s important not to make X be all about Y. There’s surely some truth in his worries about your space all on its own. But maybe he also needs to feel heard about something else.

[Yoda-Stevie]

Yes. I am Type A. Retired Marine. I like things stowed and squared away. Not a clean freak, but I do prefer tidy and organized. My wife, my in-laws who live with us, and my daughter are not as organized as I am. Throw in a couple cats and a dog…

It’s a law of physics “any ordered system tends toward disorder, without the constant input of energy”

I’m only going to share what I’ve learned about me, through introspection as it might help you to meet you husband in the middle:

It’s not about the stuff. It’s all about disorder. I’m not great about expressing personal feelings. I’m sort of a stoic. Doesn’t mean things don’t bother me. I just try not to let it show.

There’s so much in life outside of our control. The world is a disordered place. Stuff happens out there…at work, in all the public spaces, etc. I get very annoyed when grocery shopping, ans the store has an item in “the wrong place”, forcing me to hunt for it. I get annoyed with my fellow martial arts instructors when they don’t return pads to where they are stored. My reaction is to try to create order in my home. It bothers me when I’m cooking and can’t find a utensil, because someone else put it away in “the wrong place”. My closet, 1/3 the size of my wife’s closet looks like a barracks wall locker, ready for inspection. My wife’s closet looks like it’s just been searched by law enforcement, with shoes and such spilling out if it.

What I had to learn to do, for the sake of peace and harmony, is to recognize my “private space” is very limited: my closet, my sink, my dresser, my workshop, by home dojo. Each of the others spaces are theirs, and they can have them look like a tornado hit them, if they so choose. Our shared spaces are just that, shared. If it gets to the point of disarray where I can’t stand it, I clean it up. I’ve set my boundaries around my private spaces. I will defend them. I don’t fight over shared spaces.

Because I know it’s not about the clutter. It’s about my feelings that everything around me is in chaos, and I’m trying to tame it with order, wherever I can. It used to bother me greatly when those around me didn’t share my goal, or worse, seemed to be working to sabotage me. Then I recognized they’re just not wired like me.

But something happens every now and again: my family hits their threshold, and they straighten things up. Maybe not to my standards, but better than it was. This goes a long way towards me finding at least a moments peace.

Your husband just might be trying to bring some order into his world, because he feels a great deal of anxiety from living in a disordered world. His rants and complaints about your stuff, aren’t really about your stuff. He feels tossed about, and powerless, and is exhausted from his efforts.

Hope this helps.

[Binx]

Oh wow, his mum had it too? She will know exactly what to say then, I really hope she has a good chat with him about this. Hopefully he will listen to her and go to his doctor. The way he goes on about having things around him is really over the top, I can’t see what else it could be.

And… Oh my God… there’s a lady in the US that thinks my living room is a pig sty now

Please tell the woman I have young children that carry things from one room to another all the time, and my husbands office is temporarily in my living room, hence the raid comment

[Olivia]

Wowza! This hits home for me, too! I recognise so many mindsets you describe. Gosh, I understand myself better now

Gloria, what if your husband had his own little study with nothing in it?

[This.Will.Be.My.Year]

Made me LOL again

[This.Will.Be.My.Year]

So I really just want to say thank you to all of you who have replied and the support but also personal perspective means a lot to me.

Things have been good. I’ve talked to his mom about it and she is definitely going to bring it up while he’s there. But I also have to say we balance each other out a lot and yes I do have a mindset where I get attached to things or believe I need to hang on to things (like envelopes) because I think I will use it again. But years later I still have not used it and it is just taking up space. If i need an envelope, i can buy one. I also have like 10 unused notebooks… Because you never know but I’ve learned it’s also part of my ADHD.

I very well recognize now that this mindset I have, i have adopted from my grandfather who raised me and is/was my hero, but he grew up during world war II so he literally kept every bit of scrap paper or bread bag ties. A realization that I have had for about 2 years now, since he has passed. Because my husband and I have always tried to also talk about why we are the way we are, and he has challenged me more than anyone else ever has. And if it is not him it is his mom and I’m very grateful for that.

His mom told me to get organized while he is gone but also to buy shelves or furniture, or storage or whatever it is that we need while he is gone, and she is going to support it financially, because she also knows that he is going to feel much more comfortable when he comes back.

[This.Will.Be.My.Year]

Yes but i take up most of everything we may have to move again

[This.Will.Be.My.Year]

Well the thing is, we keep a bedroom (guestroom) for his mother because our goal is for her to come live with us eventually. Then we have the office and master. But maybe for the time being I could kind of take over the guest bedroom or he can have it also a valid thought

[This.Will.Be.My.Year]

I just want to say thank you so much for sharing your journey. I totally agree a lot of times we react to inward feelings we don’t even know exist. So me, and my husband both. Like mentioned before my grandfather kept everything and so does my mother so I guess I feel like “what’s wrong with that behavior” in a way ? Since the people I care about the most acted like this I should too?

But I’m trying to let go more and more. I think part of it is also the fact that three times now in my life I left everything behind and moved ( not always by choice) so things can become very dear to me because I feel like it gives me stability that I don’t know from life. At least that’s what the therapist told me.