So i am looking for some advice. I’ve searched through existing threads but didn’t really find anything.
My husband (Type A) is an extreme minimalist and would be happy with a couch and a tv in the living room and literally NOTHING else. We just moved into a much larger apartment and since then he’s been driving me crazy telling me I have too much stuff.
Of course i could rid of some things but a lot of it has to do with my hobbies… Books, Wool and knitting supplies as well as painting stuff. I am not a Hoarder but do get sentimentally attached to things, especially if given to me by my parents or grandparents. I also enjoy handyman projects so i keep tools or some scrap stuff and have successfully fixed things in the past because of it.
BUT I also have gotten rid of a lot of things and as i am organizing i am trying to part from more.
He hates clutter. OK i get that but he considers everything clutter. My plants in the living room, the 3 magazines under the coffee table, yesterday he went so far and called the dogs stuff clutter! I was so flabbergasted i didn’t even know how to respond. The Dog has a basket with toys, a blanket, a bed and his food and water bowl… How is this clutter?!? Like what do you want me to do with it? Get rid of our 13 year old dog?
He complained about the kitchen counters and 75% of the stuff sitting there was HIS! Things he gets out and doesn’t put back or doesn’t put things where they should go.
We also don’t have much furniture, but he won’t let me by shelfing or cabinets in order to organize my “clutter”.
I have talked to his mom (we’re super tight) about this and she tries to give him some perspective, like once we are settled into the new place it won’t feel so messy.
Minimalist vs. creative ADHDer
I enjoy my plants, books and craft things. They make me happy but i can’t take it anymore and he makes me sad everytime he attacks me like that ( or at least i feel personally attacked). This conversation happens at least once a week for the past 2 months and usually ends up with me getting hurt and shutting down.
We’ve been together for almost 9 years and pretty much lived together since then… So this is not new to him
Anyone else have experience with this? I am debating on just buying storage without telling him. He doesn’t even want a dining room table because he likes the open space. Well i hope we never have anyone over because they will have to stand.
That sounds difficult. Yes, I have similar experience, not to your extent, but similar.
I recommend couple therapy. There is for sure one or more underlying issues on his side, he maybe doesn’t even realize it.
As I’m highly allergic against people telling me how to organize my life and I too have emotional loved stuff from my late parents and grandparents. I only can tell what I did: Storing my things in the cupboards and racks I bought and tell my ex to do the same with his stuff and tell him his nagging hurts and he better shut up and mind his own business, this is not his alone party or a hotel, this is getting along as couple and find good ways and compromises.
Well, finally I sorted him out (for other reasons) and since my life is neat, organized and tidy.
Have an open conversation about how his behaviour makes you feel and what you both expect. Sendingyou strength and hugs.
There’s a thread on decluttering if you would like to check it out. You’re not alone with this problem.
Thank you so much! I totally agree with you.
Since getting sober it has definitely helped keeping the house in order.
One night he started going through my boxes and wanted to throw away flower pots and my grandfather’s radio who passed away several years ago. He gave it to me for my first apartment in Germany because he thought I needed a radio and it still works. After almost being in tears about it my husband gave in, and I could keep it. But how ridiculous is that?
He grew up poor and they didn’t have much. His mom has also told me, it’s kind of her fault because she used to make him throw away a toy in order to get a new one. So that’s the mentality he is now forcing on me. if I want to buy something new I have to throw something away.
I have always said I think we would greatly benefit from couples therapy. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that and I believe it’s great to have an outside person looking at it non-biased. But he hasn’t been up for it.
His mom has pretty much been our therapist for the last few months
She’s pretty much the only person who can reason with him.
She told me to buy baskets with lids to get organized and I have bought some and I love it. But other than the kitchen cabinets and the bedroom closet we have no other storage options, hence i want to buy a sideboard or such, which he’s against.
You are totally right! It’s like he wants a bachelor pad. I asked him last night what his plan is when we have a child? I guess the poor kid won’t be allowed to own anything or play in the living room.
I also told him i will just get rid of him if he keeps this up but i guess I won’t lol we really don’t have many issues (now that we’re sober) but this one is getting out of hand.
What you’re talking about does not sound excessive at all. He can’t have it both ways, he has to allow storage for your things if he doesn’t want to see them.
I’ll be honest. I’m getting OCD feels from what you’ve written about him. Has this been considered yet?
This doesn’t look cozy or comfy to me, allthough it’s a beautiful room.
I am with @Binx He has to respect your desire for storage. Nobody is in the position to “allow” or “forbid” something, this is gaslighting social violence.
I have thought about it. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression before and has been on different meds but feels they don’t help. Several years ago i finally talked him into therapy because I myself was also going.
His mom and I have been telling him for the past year or so that maybe he should consider going back to the doctor and talk about medication but he refuses.
haha right?!?
It would look way different if I had my way i am all about cozy and comfy with decorations and lamps and stuff. He even made me get rid of the living room rug. I want to hang up my pictures but he likes the plain walls. What a struggle!
Gloria, if cares about your relationship, then he has to go back to the doctor. His behaviour is impacting your relationship, causing unhappiness and resentment. He can’t just refuse to deal with this.
OCD and anxiety often go hand in hand. You’re being made to feel like the problem, when it isn’t really you at all
I really don’t know. I mean does he want to live in a clean room?
I love decorating and making my home cozy. I think part of it has been that he misses the large apartments or houses that you can rent in the states. Well it’s just not like that in Europe but there are plenty of storage solutions. I love Ikea
Thank you for that because that’s exactly how it makes me feel. Like i have a problem because i own things?
I think you’re right. I’m going to talk to his mom again and maybe we can come up with a way to talk to him.
He’s also going to the states for two weeks in July to visit his mom and fam, without me this time. Because i wanted him to not because I don’t want to go, but because we have a 13-year-old dog at home whose health goes up and down, and he’s currently developing dementia and I can’t leave him anywhere for 2 weeks with a good conscience.
Anyways what I was trying to say with that is, I think it’s going to be good for him to spend some time with his family and I’m going to use those two weeks to get the rest unpacked and organized without his constant nagging.
Hi! So I’m in a similar situation but I am the type A and hubs is the type B. I’ll tell you as someone who also has anxiety (and my husband I suspect is undiagnosed adhd) a mess in the house really affects me. I need things put up and in order to function.
But after seeing the photo of your space, I agree your partner is going way too far - I do think you guys need to talk about this when you’re both calm and come to a compromise. IMO storage units are only useful for small periods of transition, paying people to house your stuff likely means you have a lack or storage (your case) or too many things (my husband.)
Either way, you’re probably both suffering from this from waaay opposite ends of the spectrum and I hope you can find a compromise! Maybe there’s a room in the house he doesn’t use, that’s all yours, and you can make it however you want without him bitching?! Good luck!!
We bought a couple of CLOSED front (drawers) storage pieces of furniture and split the drawers. His are his - I do not touch them or care how they look - out of site out of mind!!! That’s been a huge help.
It sounds like him going to his family will be a break you both need. I’m sorry to hear you’re dog isn’t doing very well
You should be able to enjoy your home Gloria. It really doesn’t feel like you can relax there, and that’s a big problem. You shouldn’t need to be ‘allowed’ to put storage in your home, this is a big problem. It’s gone too far, he cannot refuse treatment anymore x
This needs treatment. I read through the thread and it is deeply unhealthy to want to live in an empty appartment like you describe it. He has obviously serious problems and they manifest in this extreme behaviour.
What made me think was the dog toys you mentioned. It doesn’t sound as he cares about the dog or his needs.
For me this would be a serious red flag to adress the whole issue with severety.
I remember my ex having a fit and demanding me to give away my then young two cats whom I brought home for company for my old boy who lost his sister cat. I was flabbergasted and told him to fuck off and don’t show his nose through the door until he fixed his brainfuck. He accustomed to the situation and appologized 2 weeks later when he came home again but I never again trusted him fully concerning the cats.
Yes! That’s exactly what I want to do.
So i think that’ll be my plan while he’s gone. I have some money saved up at my parents. I was putting it to the side before we got married in case I needed a safety net
but i can’t take it anymore and he makes me sad everytime he attacks me like that ( or at least i feel personally attacked). This conversation happens at least once a week for the past 2 months and usually ends up with me getting hurt and shutting down.
and it still works. After almost being in tears about it my husband gave in, and I could keep it. But how ridiculous is that?
that was a big selling point and my plants are super happy 
i am all about cozy and comfy with decorations and lamps and stuff. He even made me get rid of the living room rug. I want to hang up my pictures but he likes the plain walls. What a struggle!
