Hi Zak, welcome to Talking Sober
You’re here because you know there’s a problem. (Otherwise why even bother posting on TS? If there’s no problem, you don’t bother with TS.) You are painting a picture of your girlfriend as the one who’s pushing you, while you feel devalued.
I’m not gonna sugar coat this. Unless you want to be clean and sober for yourself, you choose this and you want it, like how a person wants water in the desert; and unless you put in the effort - the days and weeks and months it takes - you will be feeling devalued.
It has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with your girlfriend. It is entirely, only you that is making yourself feel devalued. You are devaluing yourself by behaving in a way that devalues your humanity and your connection with other humans. (That’s what porn is. It’s an exploitative, manipulative industry - for both their performers and the audience [whose attention and expectations it distorts] - that commodifies bodies and uses women and vulnerable persons, then spits them out, trauma in tow. There’s a reason there’s apps for YouTube and Vimeo and Netflix and DisneyPlus and Amazon Prime and a million other constructive media channels, but there’s almost no apps for streaming porn. Porn is something people hide - because it’s something that exploits and manipulates both actors and viewers in inhuman ways.)
The question here is not whether your girlfriend should stay or go. That’s just a distraction your addict mind is using to avoid the real issue (this is classic addict behaviour: we avoid, we escape, we evade, we distract, we keep trying to run from real life and real healthy responsibilities).
The question is whether you should stay with or leave porn. You have to make this choice by and for yourself.
For me the big change in my recovery happened when I joined a sex addiction recovery clinic in my city. It was the first time I took responsibility for my problem, and my life is a million times better because of that.
You can search for sex addiction recovery programs online and you’ll find meetings online and in your area too. Myself we worked through materials by Patrick Carnes, who has researched, counselled, and written extensively about this. As long as it’s a program that’s focused on personal responsibility and recovery from porn use, it works; there are many.
You gotta get past thinking any of this is caused by your girlfriend. You’re scared of her leaving, which is why you’re feeling the way you are. You’re also ashamed of your porn habits. I’m not gonna lie: she may leave (and she has every right to; it is her healthy choice who she commits her life to). But as scary as that is, that’s not what really matters here. Fix your porn problem and you’ll be safe no matter who you are with in your life.