Hi Zak, welcome to Talking Sober 
Youāre here because you know thereās a problem. (Otherwise why even bother posting on TS? If thereās no problem, you donāt bother with TS.) You are painting a picture of your girlfriend as the one whoās pushing you, while you feel devalued.
Iām not gonna sugar coat this. Unless you want to be clean and sober for yourself, you choose this and you want it, like how a person wants water in the desert; and unless you put in the effort - the days and weeks and months it takes - you will be feeling devalued.
It has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with your girlfriend. It is entirely, only you that is making yourself feel devalued. You are devaluing yourself by behaving in a way that devalues your humanity and your connection with other humans. (Thatās what porn is. Itās an exploitative, manipulative industry - for both their performers and the audience [whose attention and expectations it distorts] - that commodifies bodies and uses women and vulnerable persons, then spits them out, trauma in tow. Thereās a reason thereās apps for YouTube and Vimeo and Netflix and DisneyPlus and Amazon Prime and a million other constructive media channels, but thereās almost no apps for streaming porn. Porn is something people hide - because itās something that exploits and manipulates both actors and viewers in inhuman ways.)
The question here is not whether your girlfriend should stay or go. Thatās just a distraction your addict mind is using to avoid the real issue (this is classic addict behaviour: we avoid, we escape, we evade, we distract, we keep trying to run from real life and real healthy responsibilities).
The question is whether you should stay with or leave porn. You have to make this choice by and for yourself.
For me the big change in my recovery happened when I joined a sex addiction recovery clinic in my city. It was the first time I took responsibility for my problem, and my life is a million times better because of that.
You can search for sex addiction recovery programs online and youāll find meetings online and in your area too. Myself we worked through materials by Patrick Carnes, who has researched, counselled, and written extensively about this. As long as itās a program thatās focused on personal responsibility and recovery from porn use, it works; there are many.
You gotta get past thinking any of this is caused by your girlfriend. Youāre scared of her leaving, which is why youāre feeling the way you are. Youāre also ashamed of your porn habits. Iām not gonna lie: she may leave (and she has every right to; it is her healthy choice who she commits her life to). But as scary as that is, thatās not what really matters here. Fix your porn problem and youāll be safe no matter who you are with in your life.
