Ultimatum 😕

I’ve been a porn addict for 6 years. After i already had taken a break from my relationship to sort out my addiction, I relapsed again. Now it’s I quit or she’s walking out.

I don’t know how to feel. She told me that:
A. She feels stupid for staying with me
B. She doesn’t even know why she puts up with me
C. She hates me
D. There’s probably so many other guys who would treat her better
E. Any reasonable person would leave me
Yet she also told me that “she loves me too much to leave.”
I feel so devalued, but I can’t complain about it because she’s the victim.
I want to get clean and save our relationship, but part of me feels like I’ll never view her love in the same way again.
I really hate this y’all.

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Despite loving you she has a right to every damn emotion she has. Being with a SA is extremely painful and devalueing. Don’t think ppl who’ve not been there understand. Most SAs themselves don’t. :woman_shrugging:

What are you willing to do to tackle your addiction? Going to meetings yet? Best you can do is put your weight behind getting free of this behaviour and quit relapsing. Nothing else will bring you and your still gf peace.

SA, SAA, SLAA are all suitable.

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Google “The EasyPeasy Method”
It is an open source book that you can read to help you quit. It is an extremely effective resource for helping you get over your porn addiction. I was hooked on porn for about 12 years and this really helped me quit cold turkey. It’s not a very long read (108 pages), and it’s offered for free as a pdf on the website.
I would highly recommended reading it all the way through if you are in this ultimatum and really want to quit. It’s easy, immediate, and permanent… you also don’t have to rely on willpower.
Very important though, DON’T SKIP CHAPTERS!
Read it through mindfully beginning to end.
Good luck : )

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What are you actually doing to stop?

Meetings would be a good place as mentioned but simple things like if you are watching on your phone then get a blocker but probably a better idea is to move from a smart phone to a dumb phone so you actually can’t use the phone

Change your internet settings to not allow adult sites

There is a gambling block I can download for online so I would guess there is a porn one you could download

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I’ll second the Easy Peasy method. It’s a must read for anyone relapsing in porn addiction.

Getting support from a 12-step is also good.

And it’s very common for the partner to feel betrayed and suffer through trauma as a result of our acting out with P and other forms of sexual acting out. Keep relapsing, and she’ll re-live the betrayal trauma all over again. And if you lie to her, It will be even worse. I’m just being honest.

I do believe you want to break free. I most certainly did, even though I was constantly relapsing over the past 25 years. I just didn’t know how to quit. And I cannot guarantee any easy quick fixes. But if you never give up, and continue to learn from any relapses, look into various methods of treatment, and do some major soul searching, then breaking free is possible.

@alamasterjar , welcome, my friend.
You’ve found a really good community here.

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Welcome to the community @alamasterjar and @PapayaMan

This a great community and there is help and support here for you :slightly_smiling_face:

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Hi Zak, welcome to Talking Sober :smile: :wave:t2:

You’re here because you know there’s a problem. (Otherwise why even bother posting on TS? If there’s no problem, you don’t bother with TS.) You are painting a picture of your girlfriend as the one who’s pushing you, while you feel devalued.

I’m not gonna sugar coat this. Unless you want to be clean and sober for yourself, you choose this and you want it, like how a person wants water in the desert; and unless you put in the effort - the days and weeks and months it takes - you will be feeling devalued.

It has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with your girlfriend. It is entirely, only you that is making yourself feel devalued. You are devaluing yourself by behaving in a way that devalues your humanity and your connection with other humans. (That’s what porn is. It’s an exploitative, manipulative industry - for both their performers and the audience [whose attention and expectations it distorts] - that commodifies bodies and uses women and vulnerable persons, then spits them out, trauma in tow. There’s a reason there’s apps for YouTube and Vimeo and Netflix and DisneyPlus and Amazon Prime and a million other constructive media channels, but there’s almost no apps for streaming porn. Porn is something people hide - because it’s something that exploits and manipulates both actors and viewers in inhuman ways.)

The question here is not whether your girlfriend should stay or go. That’s just a distraction your addict mind is using to avoid the real issue (this is classic addict behaviour: we avoid, we escape, we evade, we distract, we keep trying to run from real life and real healthy responsibilities).

The question is whether you should stay with or leave porn. You have to make this choice by and for yourself.

For me the big change in my recovery happened when I joined a sex addiction recovery clinic in my city. It was the first time I took responsibility for my problem, and my life is a million times better because of that.

You can search for sex addiction recovery programs online and you’ll find meetings online and in your area too. Myself we worked through materials by Patrick Carnes, who has researched, counselled, and written extensively about this. As long as it’s a program that’s focused on personal responsibility and recovery from porn use, it works; there are many.

You gotta get past thinking any of this is caused by your girlfriend. You’re scared of her leaving, which is why you’re feeling the way you are. You’re also ashamed of your porn habits. I’m not gonna lie: she may leave (and she has every right to; it is her healthy choice who she commits her life to). But as scary as that is, that’s not what really matters here. Fix your porn problem and you’ll be safe no matter who you are with in your life.

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The feeling of being a woman, a wife, a hot-blooded human being, whom someone committed to, and knowing that they choose women on a screen over you, is debilitating. It’s abusive. It’s demeaning. It’s heartless. It’s heartbreaking. In those things, for the person on the receiving end, it is like every other addiction.

When I went into labor with my firstborn, I went to tell my ex, who was sitting in MY OFFICE, watching porn. I wish I had left before that. It was a problem before that. I wish I could unfeel the way he made me feel that day - the day I was going to be a mother for the very first time.

People leave when they can’t take it anymore. True with substance addictions and true with process addictions.

If YOU hate it, think how much SHE hates it. If you won’t love her again, because she’s sick of “feeling devalued,” and she’s the only one who has a right to that, then let her leave, or tell her you are leaving because you blame her.

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From the other side…

A. She may very well feel like she’s buying into something that isn’t happening. Maybe you’ve told her you will stop, and didn’t (i obviously dont know the situation) and feels stupid for staying because of it
B. Well…in addiction we are selfish, and don’t exactly put others wants and needs first. Is it fair to expect someone to deal with our crap?
C. No she doesn’t. She hates what is happening
D. Maybe, but she loves you. And is saying these things to hopefully open your eyes.
E. Any reasonable person would say what they will and will not accept from any relationship (intimate/ professional/ acquaintance/ etc) and if the boundaries are not respected, it will not work…

She is saying some harsh things to you, but it’s probably her way of grasping at any way to open your eyes to her frustrations/pain…
I hope things get better

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