Tonight I shared at a meeting about how I finally felt like I belonged in the rooms. I feel connected to these strangers in a way I never thought I would. I am finally coming out of my shell and actually benefiting from the program.
However, tonight after admitting how comfortable I am, as the meeting was winding down I starting getting bad anxiety. I am so used to chasing chaos, my addiction immediately ‘reprimanded’ me for feeling accepted here. My addiction tells me I need to go out, I need to be around the People, Places, and Things that will lead to my relapse and my demise. I am safe tonight but this thinking is so dangerous. My disease wants me to self sabotage.
I spoke to my sponsor and someone after the meeting and got out of that panic attack feeling, but it is still hazy in my mind.
Any advice is welcome. I am so grateful for this website. Thank you.
Sounds like a fear of the other shoe dropping. Like life is pretty good, going too good so something bad is going to happen and if thats the case you may as well be the one to shit on it.
I think it is a pretty common feeling for folks like us. I went to more meetings, added some service work, got to meetings earlier just to hang out with people who are sober, in a place that is sober and talk about things that are sober. Also went to therapy, to IOP, to counseling… shoot if it was suggested it was added to my list of things to do cause I was of the same mindset as when I was a drunk “if some is good, more is better”.
It’s gonna be alright, just keep doing what you’re doing, walk the well worn path to sobriety and you’ll make it out the other side.
When it comes to being comfortable and accepted amongst others, a lot of addicts struggle. I think we all know personally or at least have heard many times from fellows of the “odd one out” “black sheep of the family” “never fitted in” tropes and stories.
When acceptance and security do show up, it is therefore normal that we should be ambivalent towards them. They can cause feelings of anxiety, stress, distrust. We can also be wrong about what security and belonging feel like, and I’ve been wrong in the past. And maybe I’m still wrong a lot.
Examine these feelings. Try to think about what friendship and intimacy mean for you. Where you feel and have felt them in your life. How you would wish for them to look and feel like in your future and if these ideas belong to the real world or are idealised fantasy versions of love and community. Observing and examining yourself like this is a big part of recovery and living a present life.
Or maybe your struggle here is that you’re torn between the old and new life. Trading in the rooms for your old ppl places and things. Again, this is a very normal struggle and conflict to have in early recovery. Examine it, make it conscious, journal about it. The more you make it conscious, the less likely that it’ll sneak up on you and bring on a relapse out of unconscious wishes of yours.
At 30 days in, your emotions and mental state are still subject to withdrawal (there are posts here on post acute withdrawal), and some seesawing is normal. Seeking help and guidance in AA or NA had helped millions get sober, and it can help you too! Good on you for attending and sharing.