Uneasy about 'Recovery'

Advice & Questions
, ,
1

This is going to be long and rambling, but this thread isn’t really me being unsure about being sober, but about specifically calling myself an alcoholic and going through the steps of recovery.

So I have tried to become “sober” more times than i can count and have always convinced myself I dont need to be. I drank a little in college, only socially and it became a fun fact about me that i could drink more than anyone else and not be that impaired. However, after college ended i started drinking by myself, alone at night. It was only to feel buzzed, then tipsy, then drunk. I was diagnosed with depression and put on an SSRI in 2019 and my drinking decreased a bit. During the first summer of covid (2020) I started drinking more frequently. I would really only drink 1 cup a night, but since it was a bigger cup it would come to 2.5 drinks a night. If I would drink 2 cups it would ne 5 drinks, etc, but this rarely happened. By the end of 2020 i started saying that so and so would be my “last drink” and most of the time I meant it. But then a few weeks or a few days later, I would have another one. This went on through 2021, but for the second half of 2021 I was lying to my parents (who i live with) that i was no longer drinking. I would sneak it into the house, buy it when they were in another store, since I would siphon off my dads box of wine i would always have to replace. I just didn’t want to concern them thinking i couldn’t stop. Later I would go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of whiskey (750ml) and leave with it in my pockets so they didn’t see. I probably did this about 10 times. I would almost always drink it in one night. In the fall of 2021 I was put on wellbutrin and was told by my psychiatrist that with my combo of meds i shouldnt be drinking due to medical risks. So i pledged to my self that i would stop drinking by the end of 2021 and be fully sober in 2022. At this point my parents and everyone else knew that this would be it and at the time, again, I meant it. Well i dont think it lasted 3 weeks. So since the end of jamiary everyone thinks I’m sober. Ive felt badly about hiding and sneaking boxes and bottles and preaching this new lifestyle when im not actually living it. However since ive been on the wellbutrin, i have definitely felt worse physically after drinking. I would get drunk faster for longer, hangover headaches would start the same night, i would be sluggish all next day, etc. I kept waiting for it to feel the way it used to. I would start earlier, dilute it, drink more, eat more, etc but nothing made it better. So I have been wanting to quit but also wanting to recapture that feeling and i fought between those two for a long time. What bothered me most was the lying tbh, so fast forward this friday I feigned wanting to have one drink after quitting for 4 months so i could drink with my parents and make this the actual last drink. And I was honest with how it made me feel and said this made me realize i don’t want to keep drinking, which is true.

This all brings me to my main question or what i need advice for. Typing this out it seems a bit more serious than i told myself in my head. However, i feel unsure and uncomfortable with my decision to enter proper “alcohol recovery”. I feel like i should just quit, live a sober life and not make an issue of it. I have struggled for a really long time with entering AA or doing the 12 steps, which i still havent officially done. I have also struggled and still struggle with naming this as alcoholism or an alcohol problem (I used to say i don’t have a beneficial relationship with alcohol, etc). I feel like I dont “deserve” to take up the mantle of recovery when other people truly struggle with alcohol use and abuse. I think i have this ‘romanticized’ notion of alcoholism where it is a quick descent to “rock bottom” and because I have not gotten significantly worse and I could successfully hide it, I dont feel i reached this level. I do have a family history of alcoholism. My grandfather died of it and my father had an issue with it when he was younger. My mother threatened to leave him because of his unsafe behavior and he ‘cleaned up his act’, according to her. He has been able to successful use moderation and now has no more than 4 drinks a month. I think if he can do it I should be able to do it but also i dont want to share this with him cause he has always be worried I would follow in the footsteps of my grandfather so its just easier to say im sober.
So all in all, I honestly just dont want to appropriate anyone elses struggles. Many people fight for sobriety and recovery all their lives and im just a 20 something girl who wants to be interesting so she buys herself a sobriety chip and calls herself a recovering alcoholic. I definitely dont want to be this person so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Even if it is tough love and telling me to leave this platform cause its not wjere i belong. I am open to your expertise and thank you in advance for allowing me to ramble so long and confusingly.

Tldr; can I honestly claim the mantle of recovery if, even though i want to be sober, i don’t consider myself an alcoholic?

7 Likes
2

You are exactly where you need to be. This community has so many people who are where you are and some that have been there and can be a big support. All I can say is that if You are questioning if it’s a problem, then it is. And there are so so many people here who can relate and encourage you on your decision. I myself am pretty early in my sobriety (69 days) but I have found such great support and comfort from so many people here.

So happy you are reaching out! And I am rooting for you! You found the right place :relaxed:

4 Likes
4

Welcome Genie. I hope you stick around and gain some knowledge. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and I look at it like an elevator that’s going down. We can choose to get off at any floor. Unfortunately, I waited until I got a DUI before I got off that elevator. Others go down even further, loosing jobs and families. The quicker you get off, the better your future life will be.

7 Likes
5

Thank you for resppnding. I completely understand that. That’s kind of where i was coming from though. I dont really know if I should rely on a aa or sober communuty for support or i should just be able to stop on my own. Not trying to deny anything, just trying to find the best way to move forward.

1 Like
6

Thank you so much, I appreciate this :slight_smile:

2 Likes
7

Thank you for your thoughtful response! I am glad you got off the elevator <3

2 Likes
8

99.99% of every problem drinker feels this way. Most don’t recover because they pursue every illusion we can use to keep from admitting to being alcoholic. Suicide by self deception.

Its progressive. It gets worse before it gets better.

Welcome!

There’s tons of good info and support here!

3 Likes
9

I use them all. I cant have too many tools in my recovery tool box. I failed at stopping on my own many times.

2 Likes
10

Hi Genie,
Welcome! I get where you’re coming from.
Firstly, don’t worry about labels it doesn’t matter. Alcohol is harming your life and that’s the issue.

At AA they say for example:
I haven’t had a DUI…yet.
I haven’t had pancreatitis…yet

So it doesn’t matter where you’re at, don’t worry about comparing yourself.

Also AA is not the only programme. There’s so many where you don’t do 12 steps, there’s quite a variety now, it’s just that AA is the most well known

Check out SMART recovery and Women for Sobriety for starters :full_moon_with_face:

5 Likes
11

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. And yes, I was thinking of WFS. :slight_smile:

2 Likes
12

This is so helpful, thank you :slight_smile:

2 Likes
13

Welcome to the community!
Reading your post it is clear to me that you are spiraling down. You use alcohol for the drug effect reason.

That’s abuse. It’s not important how you call it, fact is you use a drug to deliberately alter your state of mind chronically. Lying about and hiding this behaviour is typical - for an alcoholic.

Quitting alone is hard and when you read around you’ll find out that many people here tried and were not sucessful on the long term quitting alone. Being together on the sober road works better. So again Welcome! TS is a great place to share, to find information on practically every topic (use the search bar above) and to share good times too :blush:
Good threads to get started:
Welcome to the forum! 2022

3 Likes
14

I can totally relate. I never hit rock bottom, like crashed a car or something.I thought this proved I didn’t teally have a problem with alcohol. What made me actually go for it was, when I realized alcohol had become more important than my health (I drank while on medications and I knew that would counteract their benefits) and the people that loved me (I lied to friends and family about my evening plans and drank home alone). Alcohol had become more important than me, I daresay. It was on my mind all the time. Sometimes stronger, sometimes less. What I am trying to say, you don’t need to hit rock bottom to be in a bad place. Read around, you’ll find hundreds of stories like this. Make an exit now. It’s totally worth it.

4 Likes
15

Thank you so much. This really hit home for me. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out :slight_smile:

1 Like
16

You’re right. Writing it out, reading it back, and watching people react to it made me realize the problem was worse than i had been telling myself. All of your responses has really made me more convinced that my decision to quit was the right one. Thank you. <3

1 Like
17

I was in recovery for a few months before I finally admitted that to myself.
But whether you call yourself a heavy drinker, a problem drinker or an slcoholic, it’s just a word…

You’re here, so you have a problem.

Welcome :slight_smile:

3 Likes
18

Hi Genie, you’ve already received plenty of helpful advice from people here. In addition to that, I recommend reading “quit like a woman” from Holly Whitaker. I think you might identify a lot with what she writes about her own experience with alcohol and quitting it for good!

3 Likes
19

I recommend The Alcohol Experiment. It is a free app that walks you through 30 days of not drinking with great info about alcohols true effects and motivation to continue on the AF journey.

It worked for both my husband and I. After the 30 days we both are continuing and are now on day 53.

Labeling your self as an alcoholic or not is unnecessary. Everyone who drinks has the potential to run into becoming a problem drinker because they learn that they can counter the negative effect of alcohol withdrawal by having another drink.

5 Likes
20

There are a lot of ways to do recovery…stick around here and read…you will find many succsessful ways to do recovery.

For me, I drank for decades, tried to quit for decades…I ended up here after coming seconds away from ending my life.

I came here became really active, was never going to do AA. I was told, to leave it open as an option. I rolled my eyes…left it at that.

I was on here for 89 days, did pretty darn well. I removed anything that had to do with alcohol. Everything…people, places, things were gone. It left a void. I do e head first into doing recovery my way. Researched anything and everything recovery related. Spent hours each day reading.

Day 90 came up, and I felt like I was going to cave. So, I walked into AA. While there was a lot I didnt agree with, I did it. AA, and this place, saved my life.

I just recently celebrated 4 years sober, and have moved on from AA. I replaced it with a different recovery program.

6 Likes
21

I think it’s really important not to compare. Our “bottoms” are exactly as low as we decide when we’ve had enough.

If you identify with the stories of alcoholism, if you can see in yourself the outcomes you’ve heard of others playing out in your own life, if you decide that you want recovery and to live by the principles of those who dedicate to a sober life, that likely will not make it any more or less difficult for you as it does others.

We share our stories not to compare. We share our stories in the hopes they may help the next person who enters recovery. In the worst case, to help them find a way out when things are at their worst. In the best case, to help them completely avoid having to go through worse.

And there is always worse, no matter how far down we think we have gone. In the back of the “big book” of AA there are three sections of varying degrees of stories for just that reason. All of them thrived in the end because they decided enough was enough.

I try to remember I was/am full of “yets.” I had not lost my job yet. I had not completely alienated the people I loved yet. I was not out on the streets or arrested yet. I found out as I got sober I was much closer to all of those things than I knew at the time. I was truly fortunate to have found recovery before it came to that.

So I’d say if you’ve decided you have a problem with alcohol and want to try living a life “in recovery,” which only means picking up the principles others have learned to live life on life’s terms, then I think that’s awesome. Go get it! :muscle:

I’d rather live life sober wondering if I’m an alcoholic, than drunk wondering if I can get sober.

6 Likes