Unsolicited comments/advice?

[Lishi]

A quick back story.
I started drinking around the age of 14. I am now 34 years old and even during my four pregnancies (altho I’m not proud of it) I would still occasionally have a beer here and there with dinner. With that being said, today at about 10pm, for the first time in 20 years, I’ll be 30 says alcohol free. Id like to note that my children are all fine despite the risk I selfishly took consuming a couple beers a month while carrying them.

What I’d like to know is if anybody going through this journey is presented with unhelpful family or friends providing counterproductive comments or opinions. If so am I the only one beyond annoyed by this? How do you respond?

A month ago today I totaled my car. Nobody was hurt and I am very fortunate with how things played out. Due to a few life changing factors, I decided I just needed to stop drinking.

30 day into this I feel pretty good. Yes I’m annoyed when my ex is drinking in front of me when we do co-parenting activities, sure id enjoy an IPA with my dinner but over all I’m great. I just drink my seltzer water instead. I know for now I have to avoid things that might trigger me, like my 12 year old (kidding), and stay positive.

What is driving me crazy is how a number is people, my own mother included, seem to have this picture painted out in their mind of me and my alcoholism. I am constantly being asked “did you drink today?!”, “are you struggling really hard?”, “do you have the shakes?” Being said in a tone where they expect my answer to be “yes”. In reality I’m not struggling at all like that. I was never the type to drink all day everyday day the way they believe I was.

My children’s paternal grandfather took my kids (12, 10, 9, & 3) aside and told them “it’s going to take your mother 30 years to ever admit she’s an alcoholic” (I have admit to that already for years). “Don’t act up or she will walk MILES to go get a six pack”, “she’s going to relapse several times”

I understand how with my history it might look like quitting would be challenging, and I might find down the road it is ( I have never actually tried). Honestly the only thing that REALLY triggers me are these comments and family expecting me to fail.

Should I just ignore this?
creat a boundary and just stay away from these people for awhile?
I’d LIKE to tell them all to STFU and kiss my ass, but that wouldn’t be mature of me or productive

[bobslife]

So often we are products of immature or dysfunctional families, it’s no wonder we drank the way we did. Yeah, and once we stop, we expect them to get better as well.

That usually doesn’t happen, so we get pestered with well meant but badly stated wishes or questions. So give them slack, and don’t use their attitude or comments as a trigger to relapse.

[Lisa07]

Welcome Lishi and congrats on 30 days!!

For those of us in recovery, 30 days is huge but to everyone else, it’s a small amount of time after years of drinking. Continue to show them you’re not that same person through your actions.

I remind myself often that I can’t control what others say or do but I can control my reaction. I walk with my head held high no matter what’s said. I know I’m doing the next right thing to improve myself. If others don’t see it, that’s on them, not me. It’s taken a lot of hard work on myself to not allow others to get under myb skin.

Wishing you the best on your journey.

[Mno]

Welcome Lishi. Excellent work on 30 days. You know, they don’t know because they can’t know. So whatever they say is worth nothing because they don’t understand. They’re not like us. We get it. We understand and we’re in it together, right here on this forum and in other places where we come together. This is where we need to be to find healing and recovery. To our family and friends we can only show that we’re making our lives better. Which will take a lot of time and a lot of trust that needs to be build.

I’m glad you’re here. The more the stronger we are. One day at a time and all that. Welcome again and all success on your sober journey.

[Dolse71]

Read this every morning and act on it each day to the best of your ability…

Like @Lisa07 said all we can do is the next right thing and let everyone have their say and opinion whether we like it or not, take a deep breath and move on. Well done on your sober days BTW.

[TrustyBird]

Back before I set a firm intention to quit drinking I had a bit of sober time under my belt and confided in a friend that I was sober. Her first words were “oh, it must have been hard to hit rock bottom like that” even though my quitting hadn’t played out like that at all.

I nodded and smiled and still remember this comment all those years ago because at the time I was angry. Turns out her husband was an alcoholic as well which I didn’t know at the time. Her statement was probably based around the drinking she saw her husband do. Or she saw worse behavior in me than I did in myself.

We don’t know what other people are going through unless they tell us and vice versa. If they are open to listening tell them you have just decided life is better without alcohol. If they press you can ask them to stop talking about it unless you bring it up first.

Your recovery is yours but it gets easier if you share. Congratulations and your sober days and welcome.

[Lishi]

That makes sense. My children’s paternal grandfather is a recovering alcoholic. He is doing great now, probably something like 8ish years sober and still attends meeting twice a day. I imagine he is relating my journey to his own. In reality they are not similar, not even close. Not to mention all the story’s he has heard throughout the year going to meetings.

That is certainly a good perspective you pointed out! I appreciate it!

[TrustyBird]

I’m glad it helped.

[Englishd]

I dragged my family through absolute hell during my active addiction. Even if I didn’t see it. So they had a lot of feelings, justifiably so, that were hard to hear, but that I probably did need to hear. Hard as this may be your family’s feelings are probably justified. You have probably harmed them more than you understand. The fact that you have a family around tells me that they showed you some grace during your active addiction. It took my family 18 months to start to trust my sobriety and probably at least few years until they fully trusted it.

I’d recommend having as much patience and tolerance for your family. I’d imagine they are owed at least that much