Hi. My name is Alex and I’m a drug addict. It all started from abusing Klonopin prescriptions, after which I transitioned to hard drugs like Cocaine and Fentanyl. I tried almost every mainstream drug out there but stuck to Fentanyl for about 2 months, and after a very unpleasant detox process I thought I quit for good… But I was mistaken. All the different challenges of life drove me to go back on Fentanyl on and off to avoid the excruciating detox process of opioid withdrawal symptoms… The last time I bought Fentanyl was a few days ago, I stole money from my mom (I’m 26) to pay for it. I receive disability pension but I am currently broke so I stole to pay for the drugs. My dealer offered me Mephedrone, which I tried and loved, as well as Pink Cocaine (dunno what it’s called in English, I live in Israel). The Mephedrone gave me such a boost in energy I cleaned my whole house and then some. It was the only substance that helped me function. I promise him I’ll pay for it once I have the money. I’m supposed to be getting clean but I can’t forget just how alive I felt on the Mephedrone, or how calm I felt on Fentanyl. For me it was either drugs or suicide. I’m a disabled CSA victim and I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 13 years. I don’t know how to cope with life without drugs and I feel hopeless. A part of me doesn’t want to give up drugs. A part of me is scared of a world without them. I never experienced anything positive without drugs. Guess this is my story… I can’t go to sleep so I figured I’d write here.
Hi Alex! Welcome to the forum! I completely understand that fear of living without drugs. I experienced this too in early recovery. I truly didnt know how to cope or live wothout them in my life. Yet i was also scared to continue going down the path i was going down.
And I feel like somewhere deep down inside, you want to quit too… otherwise why would u be on a sober forum 
It is 100% possible to live a life without drugs. Once getting clean, it will take the body time to adjust but if u keep at sobriety, the body has a way to heal itself and function just fine on its own.
Are you free from ur abusive relationship? I too was in a very abusive relationship and i used drugs to cope with that abuse. To help me forget. To numb my emotions. But it made things 100x worse. I strongly urge to find support for Domestic Violence if you are currently in that relationship. One on one counselling and then group therapy helped me tremendously to walk away safely from my ex.
Hope this forum gives u a sense of hope and light on ur situation. There is sooooo much more to life than getting high or drinking
Thank you so much for your kind words, and you’re right, I really do want to quit deep inside but jist can’t bring myself to actualize it yet… As for the relationship, we are no longer a couple but we still live together and my home environment is very triggering and ties directly into my drug use, I use drugs to cope with the pain and tension involved in still living with an abusive ex. I plan to move out, but it will take time, and until then drugs are my single solace sadly. Whenever we fight or argue or have even the tiniest altercation I turn to drugs because I’m hurt, scared, and lost. Drugs make living with him more tolerable.