The moment I stop drinking… I start to feel as if my mind is lost. I don’t know who or what I am or where is going here or there. Honestly… I can’t even make time for what I don’t know who I even need to make time for. Because I have outcasted every person who I love. I tried to delete this many times. But it keeps bringing me here. I am a mother and a wife. Together with my husband for 16 years married 12… 5 children. He still does not understand me. But we keep fighting together. Pretty sure both of us feel stupid. And he blames himself a lot. As do i. Sorry just a vent
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I had a plan for most of my days early on, IOP, meeting, monotony of work, another meeting, sleep, weekend visits with kids, therapy appointments… I didn’t have a lot of time to think or what to think of, I was given an outline and I went to task on it. When i did have spare time, I would spend it walking and just trying to be present where I was, what was happening around me, smells and those senses and stuff.
I’m glad I did have a lot of stuff I had to do, cause I wasn’t very coordinated with what to do during “down time” aside from getting sauced and watching the tube. I think I would have felt much like you are expressing.
Do you have a plan? Any way to get some therapy in, for you and the hubs? It definitely helped the wife and I. Any chance for a meeting of some sort, be it AA, SMART, dharma, church?
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I’m not in any therapies. And that’s my fear and mistake. My husband. He just does his best to support me emotionaly and whatever else I need at the moment. It sounds horrible. But I always have a plan and then I am not strong enough to stick to it. I told him our every day behavior needs a change. He works a lot so he’s grumpy. And Im just tired. We don’t make time for ourselves OR for each other… ORR with each other.
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Sounds like something you can work on. Whats something small you could do together?
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I would only add to what @CaptAZ said, that mental scatter and those feelings you shared when suddenly sober are normal. I had it too. From bursts of anxiety to sudden fog brain, tension at work, just all over the map.
The encouraging thing I can say is it does pass. It may take some weeks. But it passes.
And I totally agree with him on finding some of support. Therapy, a recovery group like AA, somewhere you can make regular time for it. I found having a place to share with people who had been there helped. Plus new ways of coping I needed that didn’t involve a drink. How to get things right so I don’t even want one anymore.
In any case, deep breaths. As we say round here, just don’t drink today, no matter what. Then we stand a chance at this thing!
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at the moment id like to judo chop his throat. 
Otherwise. We tried tonight. He was very tired after a 13 hr day. He fought against the kids WITH me to watch big hero 6. Together. I got upset because he tried to say he understood our 11 yr old daughter. And I said he didn’t. And he got very angry and said some mean things.
Honestly… life is so bizarre. I grow tired of the give and take. And the unexplainable and Ill explained. Maybe it’s just me? 
I don’t think. I’m sleeping on the couch for tonight. 
Per choice.
Please excuse me. Anger and resentment. Deflection whatever. It’s all there. Always anymore. I’m working on it. The more they try to help. The meaner I get 
. I don’t handle self weakness well
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That’s a hard situation. It is really a grind when you feel trapped like you are describing here. I get that.
Sounds like there is a lot going on under the surface in the relationship between you and your husband. My marriage was like that too. Lots of bickering about this and that. None of it is actually about what we’re bickering about. You tell me we’re arguing like this over how we use a dishwasher? Seriously? It’s just a dishwasher!
What we argue about symbolizes something deeper. It always does 
There’s a weight you’re carrying and you’re struggling to keep afloat with that weight tied around your neck.
If you’re looking for sympathy, see above 
If you’re looking for solutions, give this a shot 
you have nothing to lose and everything to gain
Take 15 minutes every day to listen to each other with a timer. Just 15 minutes. Each person gets 7 minutes, 30 seconds.
Start the timer, and one person talks to the other, and the other just listens and acknowledges. The person talking says “When I see / hear _____ [something concrete and objective, like ‘the garbage hasn’t been taken out’ or ‘you contradict me in front of the children’; not something that’s a judgment, for example ‘you don’t respect me’], I feel _____ [the emotion you have when that happens: you might feel angry, sad, afraid, alone; you might also be happy (not every share has to be a negative thing )].”
The listener acknowledges, by echoing / repeating what they hear, to confirm they understand what you’re trying to say: “It sounds like when you see / hear _____, you feel _____.” Then the speaker can say “Yes” or they can correct or revise some things.
The speaker continues sharing and the listener continues acknowledging until the timer runs out, then you switch roles. After 15 minutes (7.5 minutes each), you’re done.
It will feel weird at first, a bit like a new kind of exercise. You haven’t been using your healthy communication muscles for years (maybe you haven’t ever used them at all), so they are stiff. But it will get more natural with time. Make an effort and you’ll reap the rewards.
Try this for two weeks and I guarantee you will feel a difference. 15 minutes is not much time at all, and especially for something that makes such a huge difference. Why not try this? Especially if it frees you from that heavy weight pulling you down. What is there to lose? A bit of TV time? It’s a small price to pay.
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Thank you so much everyone for your replies and support. Nothing will change unless one of us takes the first step. And yes Matt, communication needs a lot of work, and those are wonderful tips. We actually went to a couples retreat some years ago that focused on communication etc the whole weekend and it really helped. But since then we lost the skills. I tried to pick them back up a few times but he is a stubborn ol donkey sometimes. I am as well, so yay 
.
You guys are really awesome!!
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Just some things to remember, when the emotions start to well up:
-your spouse is not your enemy or opponent.
-Neither of you come with an operators manual. A little grace and understanding goes a long way.
-routine works. It makes life predictable and planning possible. Pick a day/time to regularly reconnect with your spouse, free of distraction like kids, dishes, etc. Doesn’t have to be a lot of time, just a few moments that are protected from intrusions, that can be looked forward to.
-married life isn’t a zero-sum game. Winning an argument means losing, and sometimes a forfeit means a win
-if you’re trying to figure out who you are sober, welcome to sobriety. You’ll figure it out, and will like yourself much better.
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Hi @Nebula thanks for the courage it took to share your struggles with us. I too struggled in the first weeks to adjust to life sober. Who the hell was I now I dont drink anymore? Everything I used to enjoy held no joy for now I was sober. I felt like no one knew the real me and how could they? I didnt even know the real me. I saw my GP who started me on some medication for my depression and anxiety and for my cravings. I began seeing a therapist. I found online AA groups that I could join at anytime and anyday from home. I started living one day at a time. I brought a whiteboard and started a daily routine for myself and for the family. I also joined a yoga group. Then I started to feel something inside me shift. My head felt clearer and my anxiety started getting better. I began sleeping better. I began to feel little sparks of joy and hope. This in turn began to have a positive effect on my relationship with my husband, children and friends. I began to be more open to this new me. She is different and complex and far from perfect but she is sober and improving everyday. Put strategies in your life to help you cope with this new journey of sobriety. To help support you when you struggle and give you tools to cope with the stress that comes with no longer numbing your feelings. You are not alone. We are all here for you.
Much love and encouragement
Ree 
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This is perfect. And this is what my mother told me this morning after a big cry talking on the phone. Is that it starts at the root. And things will fall into place after. Thank you for the encouragement. I also have to do better at remembering to not look at ALL things at once. One step and one day at a time. TY
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I’m going to save this. Everything you said is very rational and pure. Thank you!
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