Hit 6 years a few days ago… I was pretty happy… its been a while since I felt any type of good feeling since I started this journey…this year has been the worst by far… Had a problem with my partner of 15 years and decided to chose my peace of mind over the relationship… I got tired of all the anger she brought into my life… Feels like shes getting back at me for all the shit I put her through while I was using. But today, I decided to go my seperate way… I wished her the best in life and I genuinely mean it. Our life was nothing but fights and bringing up the past. I need change… I’m starving for this new emotion I’m starting to feel. (Happiness) It rips a hole in my chest to do this but I need my mind and soul to be calm… I’m losing my house, my partner, my lover and my best friend. Through out my sobriety I let go of all my friends and family that had anything to do with me using drugs… now I’m alone and ready to start over… I’m scared though…but I rather be scared than mad…fear is a lot easier to control for me than my anger…
I feel guilty…I’ve given her years to work on herself and nothing is changing…
I started my sobriety for her… at the beginning she convinced me to change…and I tried my very best. All i ask is for her to work on her anger…and she refuses to do it… sobriety seemed IMPOSSIBLE for me! It was my fukn Moby Dick…and I caught that shit. Now that I ask for change…I get more anger and resentment.
I really hope I made the right choice. Maybe all we need is some time…
Crazy shit is… Using is still the last thing on my mind. I love my life now and idk if that’ll ever change again… at least I hope not…
It genuinely sounds like you made the right choice.
You’ve got a lot of positive, happy living to crack on with.
The weight you may feel now will only continue to lessen - lightness will take its place.
Go well
First of all - great work on your 6 + years of sobriety! I am so very sorry to hear about your break up but from the sounds of it, it sounds like you made the right and healthy choice for your journey. Even when the choice is the right one, losing a partner / lover / friend after so many years together is hard on many fronts. Do know that the pain does go away. Keep in mind that you made the right choice for you and your mental health.
I know its scary but you are doing this and will conquer this chapter too. To new beginnings Grateful that you are not triggered or having any urges at this moment. Much strength and love to you!
Hi @Chino.Antrax , don’t be sorry to vent here. I think it’s part of the process to relate to what other people are working through.one thing I am sure, 100%, is that you can not change people. There is way to implement change without coercion or trickery into someone, which then is not real change. I am sorry your relationship did not work out. As someone who came out (well, was kicked out really) of a 20+ y of relationship, I know how it feels to be on your own for the first time in years. It is not funny by any means but it gets a bit better with time.
Grateful that you are not triggered or having any urges at this moment. Much strength and love to you!