I’ve been drinking for years now , what I considered moderate. Just on the weekend , maybe 2 Saturday’s out of the month and I thought I was okay. Thinking about it anytime I drank I was always a problem , emotional , sad , angry. It wasn’t until a recent night out in which I completely lost control and embarrassed myself but worse my partner in a way I should’ve never allowed happen. I don’t know and don’t want to make excuses for myself and the things I’ve been through , I thought I didn’t have a problem. But , now my drinking isn’t affecting me like it’s affecting those around me , I’ve said and have done hurtful things while intoxicated and there’s no coming back from that. I don’t want to drink anymore and I feel like I’ve said it after any night that went wrong. But I don’t want to be that person anymore. It’s like it’s not even me anymore and I’m unrecognizable. It hurts to have someone tell me how I acted a fool while drinking and not even knowing or remembering any part of it
I know that guilt and shame. It would show up after a great night and i didnt know how i got home. When confronted with the “do you remember what you did last night” somehow that pit in my stomach would move to my throat and id break out in a sweat…or maybe i was hungover. oh that sucks. You dont have to live like that. Theres hope and a path away from the addiction cycle.
Write down all those sucky feelings. Write down what the behaviors are taking from your life. Reference this when a craving comes. Its tough at first but gets easier the more time you get between you and the last drink and the more recovery work you do
The blackout drinking should’ve served as an earlier warning sign to me too. I know you feel alone and hopeless right now but every single one of us here can read your post and understand 100% exactly how you’re feeling. One day at a time but the fact you’ve written what you’ve written shows you have the self awareness to actually fix this problem in your life.
Welcome to the community. Recognizing you do not want it anymore is a good start. Lots of support and resource materials for you here.
Hi Berry, welcome to the forum! How have you been since you posted??
I remember feeling a similar way and that guilt and shame is such an AWFUL feeling to have. At times in my early days of using/drinking (before my addiction got really bad), i thought i was moderating my use. BUT, whrn I did use or drink… once I started, I couldnt stop. 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough they say. This is sooo true for me. I knew I had a problem and that problem got worse. Alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease. It DOES and WILL get worse. So im glad ur here trying to put a stop to it 
What sort of things do u plan to do to achieve sobriety?
Have u ever tried a 12 step meeting? They have in-person ones and online ones. The Intherooms app is great for meetings if ur interested.
My suggestion would be to jump into recovery with both feet 
Stay connected to this forum and other supports u may have. Try a few meetings. And dont pick up no matter what! Come on here first if u have the urge to drink. Let us help u thru it!
This was me, unfortunately, July 4th. Again……my last “episode” was more than 4 years ago. Thought I had it all figured out, and handled. Clearly not the case. I completely went off the rails, in a blackout state, from what I was told. I’ve never truly leaned into this whole sobriety thing, and am not a daily drinker or even weekly drinker, never really have been. But this isn’t going away and I’m finally ready to make this absolute change in my life. Thank you for sharing. It’s really helped me today. I’m really just finding my way here.