Now, I have really done it. I was sailing along quite nicely until once again, I caved in and stole some of someone’s vodka. I have done that countless times before, paying back, of course; but money isn’t everything. I have been forgiven countless times but this time, it is over; the person told me that I will never be trusted again which is pretty sad, because apart from stealing alcohol, I do not break the ten commandments . I wish I had never touched the stuff. I am getting what I derserve. Zoom meetings…I am bad at talking (very good at typing my thoughts, too good, probably. ) But talking gives me major anxiety. I probably would have done better had I been checking in here every day but my device wouldn’t work for days. Pharmaceuticals make me even sicker than alcohol if you can imagine that, probably because in my life prior to four years ago, i never had any form of medicine whatsoever. (My so called childhood was a nightmare, child protection services or whatever it is called would have taken us away had they known but nobody cared enough to step in in any way at all. Anyway, I hate myself, and I do not even want to be awake but even I (with hypersomnia) cannot sleep 24 hours a day every day because things like a hungry tummy wake anyone up. I hope I am not being a drama queen. I never quite understood exactly what a drama queen is but it is something pretty negative.
Glad you picked yourself back up before it was too late. Ask yourself what can you do differently next time that voice gets loud. Maybe consider coming here and asking for help or jump into an online meeting.
Here’s a link to a platform that runs AA meetings every other hour. Sometimes just listening will change my thought process. Other times, I need to share and be honest about where my thoughts are heading.
You seem to be trying to do this by yourself; in your previous posts and threads here, you make resolutions to be strong, to overcome it with your will, then you relapse. (This is very common for addicts who try to overcome addiction through personal will, as though addiction was like an ordinary person choosing whether or not to have dessert after a meal. Facing addiction and developing a life without relapse, a life in recovery, is a different type of choice.)
Have you tried joining a recovery group and working a process? For example, SMART Recovery works through cognitive-behaviour therapy principles, including active participation with group members and other recovery supports; AA works through a program of twelve steps which are done with a knowledgeable sponsor, and group members in recovery. There are other group programs too. (Being in a program is more than just showing up to meetings. It requires months and years of working a program, together with other people, one day at a time.)
It can be done, but you have to make a choice. What is it that you want? When you look in your heart, think about what you want, what you really want. If you’re relapsing all the time, it means there’s a thought or a fear or a feeling that you’re holding onto, to avoid being in recovery. There’s something that scares you about working a recovery program. What is it? Do you not think you deserve it? Where did you learn that idea about yourself?
I don’t know. I am not a feel-sorry for myself kind of person nor a dwell-on-miserable so called childhood kind of person. But when you are a kid, sequestered at home to start with, never having gone to school, any teaching at home quickly stopped because I appeared to be retarded…I am so grateful that i was at least taught to read…and from eight years old to 18, stuck in a back bedroom…no baths, no bathroom priveleges, surrounded by waste covering the entire space of the room, (in bags and styrofoam cups) , and wnen space runs out your weird father gets the stuff and throws it in the garbage/pours it outside, food given in a sack with no interaction with anyone, treated like scum , and then for the rest of my life before four years ago being constantly told what a terrible, horrible person I am (and I was rather beastly in ways, lying and sneaking trying to snatch a few snippets of pleasure for myself, such as chocolate candy or pretty stuff for my hair and not doing my fair share of chores properly) , well. I have thought that my brain is probably really messed up, in ways. The reason why I do not go places for help is mainly because I have a genetic disability which makes everything super difficult. Coming here daily and communicating with you nice friends on a sobriety journey does help and I might do the zoom thing also. No. I want never to touch a drop again. The temptation is monumental, because of pain both physical and emotional (not for myself but for a loved one who suffered terrible tragedy). But I have got to reach that goal. This is very personal stuff I just typed and after a while I will probably edit some of it out. Thank you all for your kindness, understanding and advice.
That is heart-wrenching. I can only imagine how you must feel. With such inhumane treatment - treatment worse than animals are normally given - you must have subconsciously learned that you don’t deserve normal human attention and care. That isn’t true, of course, and you’re finding your way now, but it is cruel to treat a child that way.
Zoom meetings will probably help. There are lots of good groups online. Feel free to “shop around” until you find a group that feels right for you. If you search “AA meeting online”, “marathon AA meeting”, or similar terms, you’ll find lots. InTheRooms (which was linked above) is a great place to look too.
Take care and don’t give up. One day at a time.
I know this haunts you. There is no possible way it could not. That is a horrific childhood and I am so unbelievably sorry. I will not even really address your addiction right now because until you heal that child inside you, your addiction cannot begin to heal.
First I want to say, it was not your fault. You no longer have to carry the weight from the generations of chains you have been dragging around. The darkness that has permeated your being for so long. It will leave. It was not your fault. Those who treated you that way took something most precious from you and it was not your fault. The neglect and abandonment you felt/feel is real. You’ve probably spent years denying who you are because you felt unlovable. But you made it through what was meant to destroy you. You are lovable. It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. You are allowed to let go of all the shame that has bound you for so long. That isn’t yours to carry. It never was. I know because I was once that little girl. I suffered horrific sexual abuse and emotional trauma as a little girl. It was not my fault. It’s safe for you to come out now. You can breathe again. I promise, the view from up here is beautiful.
It. Was. Not. Your. Fault.