I feel completely embarrassed and weak over words I donāt even remember saying. I am so tired of myself.
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Ugh, it is a horrible feeling letting yourself down over and over again. So much guilt and shame. The good news is you never have to do that to yourself again. We can learn from our past and move beyond it. For me, it was important to really separate and understand the reality of drinking versus the fantasy. Once I was really able to understand that my drinking was always eventually going to land back in that horrible place, that it didnāt make me funny or fun or relaxed or interesting or xyzā¦once I really really got that, then I was able to let it go and move forward into a new sober life. It wasnāt any easier necessarily, but it gave me something solid to remind myself when I started thinking just a drink or two to ārelaxā or whatever. I was just so tired of being a shitshow, a crappy mom, wife, grandmother, friend and so so tired of hating myself.
Maybe stick around here some more to keep you busy and make some sober friends, it helped me a lot. 
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I appreciate your comment. I think sticking around is a great idea. I feel better 
reading the topics and messages. 
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Yes, I totally agree with all SassyRocks has said. There is no point beating yourself up,: better off spending your time and energy processing why you drank. Your triggers? See youāve not been here for 5 months, so welcome back - yes, make some sober friends, both in the outside world and in this wonderful site. Make a plan to get and more importantly STAY sober. How long were you sober before your relapse, if you donāt mind me asking?
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I am completely beating myself up today. I canāt even look in the mirror and want to crawl in a hole and hide.
Iāve gone a month or so , here and there. Then , I convince myself I can manage a few drinks and thatās the ongoing cycle.
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Glad you replied, Helen - weāve ALL been there, I certainly have anyway! Yes, your brain is effected by the ethanol, which is an all-powerful source which gets a vice-like grip on your brain. It deludes you into thinking that you can manage a few drinks, no, you canāt. Youāre an alcoholic, and therefore do not drink like other non-alcoholic people - youāll never be able to āmanage a few drinksā.
You recognise the ongoing cycle, which is a good start, but now itās time to stop altogether. Avoid the distractions that may make you relapse, such as social events, until you gain confidence. There are members on here, who have thrown their last bottle away, when temptation got too much. It takes will-power to stay sober, as you know, since you say you have managed a few months before now. You can do it again! Just come in here and get the help and support you need. Bye for now
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It helped me a lot reading other peopleās challenges and how they faced them and just having a place to go where others understand. We beat ourselves up so bad, but in the end we heal with love and compassion for our selves.
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Same. I used to do this all the time or even more confusing was rewarding myself with a drink (or ten) because I hadnāt had one in so long.
We never get to be cured. I canāt drink one drink so that is the drink I can avoid.
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The first drink is the only one I have the power to say no to. But, my brain tells me drinking is what will make me feel better. Itās the most toxic relationship Iāve ever had . I woke up today , after hurting the people who love me, not even remembering what I said or did. I have a blank space and have to rely on others to tell me the bad behavior from the night before. Itās exhausting and I need to stop. 
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Same. I did that with increasing severity for decades. Now I havenāt taken a first drink in almost 5 years. It can be done.
Come here when your body tells you itās time to drink. Weāll talk you out of it.
It stops being a conscious choice after a while. My hand just reached for wine at the grocery store even after I decided to stop. It takes riding out some big cravings to start building your sober muscles and you can do that. Now not drinking is my normal reflex.
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I canāt begin to describe the number of times I declared I wasnāt going to stop at the bar on the way home only to find myself with a drink across from me not even sure how I ended up there like my body was doing things on its own! It took me 2 years to climb out of my relapse. The fact that youāre here already means youāre starting to make choices towards sobriety. It took me two years just to have the courage to log back in here and I found the people I knew waiting for me to come back. Had I given more of an effort I would be three and a half years sober at this point but itās not wasted time it took that time for me to realize I am a real alcoholic and I need a real solution to recover which for me is AA. Not for everyone but everyone has their own recovery plan and journey, find what works for you 
this place is full of wisdom. @SassyRocks is a good read and very encouraging also: @TrustyBird @JazzyS @JasonFisher @Dazercat @Cjp @Cocojanie13 @Lisa07 @Jaybeeem and many more, but these folks all have good sobriety and encourage me daily
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Iāve been there many times also. The shame, the disappointment, the anger at myaelf, the fearā¦ It really is a terrible feeling. And yet one we forget so easily when we think āIāll just have oneā. One thing I did early in when I got sober was write out my drinking history, as much as I could remember. It really solidified that I had never been a casual fun drinker, and if I hadnāt been able to do it over 20 years, then it was pretty unlikely Iād be able to do it now. So if I took a drink, I was choosing to black out, throw-up, and break things and relationships around me.
Whatās YOUR plan?
I post a link to this thread constantly, itās gold.
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The addiction is really so cunning. It makes you think you canāt live without it and then leaves you feeling full of shame and guilt.
You are here and that accounts for something. Throw away any drinks that you may still have and make a clean break.
Stay connected here - this is a super supportive community and you will find lots of love and encourangment here 
Take it one moment at a time and keep away from that first sip 
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Hey there!
Firstly, I want to say (re the thread title) 
Next, just to echo everything everyone has already said: we have all been there. It is a really horrible place and I donāt want to go back. And I donāt want you to either.
Stay with us. Iām just over 100 days and Iāve had ups and downs, but those first few days really are hard. This place helped a lot. The further you get away from your last drink the better it will be.
Leave the shame and embarrassment behind.
Itās dead weight
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I like this thread. Full of encouragement. Iām going on 4 days. Cold turkey. I quit a few things cold turkey, all I know is if I never take the first drink Iām ok. Cuz the first drink is the only one I can control. After one. Next thing I know itās time for another bottle. And thatās not good for me my family or my health most importantly. I wanna live. Iām doing a lot of great things. And I want to see this journey thru. All this is easier said than done. This place definitely keeps me in tuned. When I think about drinking I come here and get words of advice and also may hear about somebodyās relapse. Which makes me even more eager not to repeat the cycle. We got this.
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You never have to feel that way again. I heard that plenty of times early on and I tell a lot of people that now. As a guy in a meeting I frequent often says you can get well, but thereās stuff you have to do. Iām not sure what you were doing before to grow in your sobriety, but the truth is that this is a daily effort. The good part is that itās only a daily effort. You donāt have to never drink again, just donāt drink today. Then you repeat the same thing the next day. It gets easier after some time too. A helpful question to ask yourself each day is what am I doing for my sobriety today. Your brain will keep trying to convince you that itās fine to drink and yet youāll drink and end up in the same position asking how this happened again. Your brain isnāt you though. You donāt have to listen to that part of it that tells you to drink. Keep reaching out on here and connect with some sober people in real life. Wishing the best for you
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I appreciate everyone commenting and giving support. It has been almost 2 days since my last drink, and something feels different this go around. I would say I hit rock bottom, but in reality I am doing better career wise , than ever. This is of course one of my many many excuses to continue to drink.
āYou are succeeding more than ever before, you promoted to a position you wanted for years, so obviously you donāt have a drinking problem!ā
Wrong 
!
I have been sacrificing, maybe not my career, but relationships, my health, my weekends and so much more to keep up with the amount of drinking I do.
Time to face the reality that I am an alcoholic, and itās time to take control back.
Happy Thursday everybody. 
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Imagine how great it will be without all this head space taken up by drinking!! Being 100% present vs hungover or dehydrated. It really is a huge relief when we shed that addiction and begin the process of healing our selves. Sobriety doesnāt take away lifeās challenges, but it does allow us a lot more brain power to face them. Stick with it!!
Edited to addā¦I really had no idea at how less functioning I really was until I finally quit. I too had a very successful career, bought my own home, raised my daughter, all the thingsā¦but alcohol was a HUGE drain on me and it only got worse over time. There is so much more to life than drinking. You deserve that!!
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I have accomplished so much , while being a completely functional alcoholic. I hate looking at all I have done, and questioning how much more I was capable of, if I had quit a long time ago.
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We can only move forward, the past is done. I drank for 40+ years, so I get it.
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