So I have 3y 10mo 15days clean today. On Feb 17, 2023 my fiance’ got caught up in a legal mess, and is looking at 3-10yr in prison. He left our family a month prior apparently he had a mental breakdown, mid-life crisis, or just wanted to “whore around”! Oh and to my surprise he was using. Probably a combination of all the above. Anyways, the judge only allowed him out because I agreed to sign for him. She ordered him to an IOP Program, but told him if at any point he felt that he could not stay clean out in the free world, that his pre-trial officer would find him a bed immediately. Well less than 24 hrs after being home, he told me that he wanted in-house treatment.
Step 1: He admitted he had a problem & that he needed help.
If you knew him, THAT ALONE, would have completely been unlike him in any way. But it gave me hope for the future of our family. And since then he has made exceptional and lengthy strides and progress in his program and for that I am very very grateful he has a sponsor he has a sober place to come home to he has three job offers once he gets out of his program and he has challenged himself to do “90 in 90” once he gets out. But all this while I have been questioning him not directly questioning him but in my own mind questioning everything and I literally mean everything I’m an overthinker and sometimes I can be a good thing and sometimes it can be absolutely exhausting he had so many narcissistic traits throughout our entire relationship I ignored all the red flags because I’m an empath and I saw the one white flag surrendering saying help me help me and that’s where my codependent rescuing took over and for some reason and I’m pretty sure it’s because I was in his position at one point not with the legal matters but I didn’t have no family my family all walked away from me my kids everything had been taken from me and I had nothing and no one and my thought process of it all is I would be a fucking hypocrite if I turned my back and walked away for good when he got in trouble and that’s just not who I am so here I am almost 3 months later standing by him going through hell with him trying to get my $31,000 truck back after they’d seized it my 12 gauge shotgun and everything else I’m the one out here taking care of all of that because why that’s what a wife does.
Sorry I get sidetracked back to this narcissistic BS. So over the course of 4 years he would start fights with me and deliberately just so he can leave I would never know where he was going it’s like once I got home from work he would leave I was never allowed to see his phone and when I questioned him about anything it started a fight and I love him God I love him and our daughter not biologically his the first thing she did the day I brought him home from the courtroom she walked up and slapped him across the face now mind you she’s only seven but she was very upset with him her biological dad has been been in prison since the day she was born and my fiance is pretty much the only dad she’s ever known I didn’t get mad at her I didn’t yell at her I didn’t tell her she was wrong because she was entitled to her feelings and that’s how she felt and she let him know that and I commend her for that to be honest I kind of laughed under my breath but now 17 days until he gets released to come home my anxiety is at an all-time high because I’m terrified that everything that he’s done before he’s going to do again and I’m not so much worried about the effect it’s going to have on me because to some degree I have already prepared myself for the worst yet I’m praying everyday and every night for the best
My question though is it narcissism the things he put me through the things he does the things he said was it the drugs both or what? And I want to trust him and I want to believe everything that he says now but there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t and I guess that’s because actions speak louder than words and his previous actions have spoke volumes and haven’t been embedded into my head how do I let this go and begin to trust him so that my relationship and our family doesn’t suffer any more pain and heartache than they already have because I certainly do not want to be the reason that either one of us fail in our recovery or that our family is torn apart I met a loss right now and I really don’t know what to do.
Please be kind in your response because at least I’m able to acknowledge my faults of my codependent rescuing and being an empath and what not but I’m also accountable for the well-being of my family and wanting to do what’s in the best interest of us as a whole because it’s not just me it’s not just him it’s not just the kids it’s all of us together
Yes, even through all my trials and tribulations of my struggles I actually came out on top in that situation because my ex-husband who used to dangle my children over my head like they were a prize to be one who bad mouthed me and put me down an alienated me from my two oldest children for 12 years and made me feel like I was the biggest POS on the planet and who had always kept me under his thumb basically making me beg and plead and grovel just to see my kids I was finally able after 12 years I was able to actually almost end his whole life his whole career everything was a three no I’m sorry with a two sentence email that’s it I could have got him on medical neglect of a minor child his own minor child at that which would have cost him quite literally everything because he’s a paramedic and the company he’s been with he’s been there over 20 years I could have easily because the judge was already upset with him because he coached my son before the child interview because my son in the interview straight said at the end of everything and I wasn’t coached so to any normal person who has even a quarter of a brain cell in their head would acknowledge that as the child had been coached and then come to find out that he medically neglected my son’s mental health because why he failed to sign paperwork are you effing kidding me I could have ended everything for that man he could have gone to prison but I didn’t cuz I’m not that kind of fucking person I did what was in the best interest of my kids and I fought for 12 years to get them back my daughter I got her back in 8 and 1/2 months DCS ain’t got shit against me and nothing and no one will ever take my children away from me again they will never put me in a position to choose because there is no choice I will choose my kids hands down every damn time but to answer your question yes I do have my kids and I was nice enough to share my two oldest with my ex because it wasn’t in my children’s best interests for me to annihilate him and lower myself to the level of which he had when we initially divorced I’m better than that and that’s the example I’m leading for my children.
Wow thats alot, i think whatever happens with him when he gets out you must protect your own sobriety and the children and keep those as the absolute top priorities even if that means him maybe not coming straight back to your home until you know for sure hes not using and has sorted himself out
That sounds like a complicated situation and a lot on your plate. Congrats on 3+ years sober
The first priority is to stay sober and take good care of your kids. As your fiance left you and your kids one month prior getting in trouble IMHO questions about him returning / if he should return / under which conditions / what the consequences are legitimate, necessary and inevitable. He destroyed the trust resp. his behaviour during the relationship does evoke questions on the quality of family stability, life & trust he is willing and capable to provide in the long run. Love alone is not enough, for a serious relationship also mutual work, respect, and trust are inevitable.
So I think you are doing good in questioning yourself the process and the outcome and set firm, healthy boundaries you are sure you can stick to. I understand he had his own place of living before getting in trouble so it should be no problem he stays there for the first time so you and your kids are protected and can rebuilt a healthy relationship. Do you have support after he is released? Can you get support, not only for him but for the whole family so you don’t have to navigate the situation alone? Al-anon and Alateen are institutions that might be helpful.
Wish you the best and that you find a good way for yourself and children. ODAAT
As others have said, set firm boundaries and don’t rush your relationship. It takes time to build back trust and it is done with action, not words. If he’s truly working on his recovery (and not a narcissist) he is going to understand this. Put your sobriety and kids first. Best wishes
I’m going to push back on this. I think, and a lot of the literature around addiction points to, addiction being a cry for help and not a personal fault.
We are human, we all make bad choices and sometimes we are unable to learn from those choices because trauma, abuse, and abandonment literally rewires how our brains function.
Perhaps we believe that we did selfish things while we were using or perhaps we were judged as being selfish, and yes we have to take responsibility for our actions even while we are using, however I’m not going to shame a person for having moments of weakness.
With that being said, to the original poster: I don’t have any worthwhile advice to give you. My life experience is limited and does not include anything close to what you are going through. I’m sorry about that.
But you know I do think you deserve better than being in a toxic situation. Good on you for realizing that this is a codependent relationship but realizing that is not the same as doing something about it. You seem like you have a lot on your plate already and your fiancée can’t seem to find his footing. Sometimes the most powerful thing an empath can do is focus on themselves and learn to build strong boundaries and to put themselves first. Don’t stay trapped in the same situation, doing the same things. It doesn’t work and it will never work.
