I was almost 20 days sober when, for some reason, I decided I needed a day off. A day to let go after weeks of being disciplined and keeping everything together.
So I drank.
What surprised me was that alcohol didn’t even feel the same. At first, I almost had to force it, trying to get back to that feeling I remembered.
It never really came.
Instead, I got the stomach pain, the mess, neglected responsibilities, and worst of all, the darkness. Things that had started to feel manageable suddenly felt enormous again. Problems with my partner felt bigger. Everything looked heavier.
I had almost forgotten how real the depression after drinking can feel.
I think I really did need to let go. I just chose the wrong way to do it.
Was it worth it? No.
But now I know something I didn’t know 20 days ago.
So, back to day one. Not starting from nothing, just starting again.
Even though relapse is not a requirement, sometimes we need it to wake us up. I know I did. It helped me take my program of recovery seriously. I used to think I needed days off so to speak from being sober, but a true alcoholic cannot take days off. It’s tough in the beginning, but I can tell you from experience that being sober becomes normal. The thoughts of days off from sobriety fade into nothing eventually and you realize that being sober is a good thing and that you don’t need to change that at any point. You messed up, you learned from it, and you got back up. Use that the strengthen yourself and stick to a program that works for you and you’ll be good
I’m in the same boat myself today, day 1. I relapsed a while ago and have reached the point where I am ready to start again but this time I’m with @Ray_M_C_Laren I will be attending my first meeting ever this week and I’m looking forward to it even though I’m a little nervous. Wishing you the best as you continue your journey.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It reminded me why I’m not drinking, just for today. It’s always going to be one day at a time, a new month, a new morning decision.
I don’t know why but if you take a day off it’s a giant gamble. You have to be very deliberate and recover strategically. In some sense the rest days are the hardest. Good luck.
Heres what i learned about the “one more time” after accepting sober is infact better
After i accept sober is better, it like i planted a little tree. The tree represents sobriety, the weather represents how i feel, and the tree only passes on after i pass.
Accepting sobriety is better means, i believe sobriety is better.
20 days pass
Ill have 6 beers or wose, a belly ache and regret.
Then
Back to sobriety
Its not brainwash that sober feels better
Its brainwash to think alcohol is a necessity for a situation
Edit # 1
I am in no way saying its easy.
And im super super happy when i see anyone reach for sobriety.
This is common of all alcoholics. I never needed a reason other than the fact that alcohol existed.
While this is a common thought for alcoholics, we do have defenses against it. For myself, I immersed myself into recovery. For the first 5-6 months I was in daily AA meetings, as well as 4 days a week in IOP. This allowed me to always keep my recovery first so when those thoughts came up, I knew what to do.
I think you always knew this, but sometimes we have to touch the stove to see if it is still hot. Having been through 2 very bad relapses I can safely say that they did not teach me anything I did not know. They just confirmed that I cannot drink or drug in any capacity.
I am glad you were able to stop the relapse before it escalated, but hopefully moving forward you can rely on the experiences of others to see that you cannot drink safely. I suggest a plan of action so that your next post can be about your success in sobriety!
I ended up in the hospital with dehydration. I lost the routine I had worked so hard to build, neglected my responsibilities, and I think I may have lost someone I love.
Today I threw away all the alcohol I had left at home.
I have people who love me and somehow I still feel incredibly alone. Guilty. And honestly, sometimes I feel like I can’t do this.
I don’t have a lesson today. I just feel like I failed again.
After I joined this app, just about 47 days ago, I felt so motivated to change - I really wanted to do better.
Three days later, I ‘proudly’ displayed my 3-Day digital coin from the app, and I was hoping I was gonna be strong going forward.
The next day, I had to reset my timer… and, I felt like a total failure.
But, you and I both did the right thing. We came back here to this community for support and advice. And, we didn’t give up on our desire for change, freedom, and a better life.
You CAN do this. And, although you failed, you are not a failure if you keep trying.
We are all rowing the same boat together… if you and I just keep rowing (doing the steps/ routines that keep us sober) - then, we will get to the other side.
