I’ve been there, used to think that since I could easily quit for 4 days that there’s no way I could possibly have a problem…
Lies!
As far as FOMO; last Thursday I went and saw The Cure in concert, one of my all time favorite bands. It was amazing! The gal next to me, had 6 beers while I was there and she smelled like a brewery when I fisrt got there (seriously, the odor of alcohol as its escaping your pores is the most foul and nauseating smell). She was toasted. She was loud, obnoxious, encroached on my personal bubble, at one point she was bawling her eyes out… she was a mess. Honestly, I doubt she’d even remember being there. But I do, I remember every detail. And Friday morning, woke up at 6:30am feeling great. That girl, probably missed work and was in bed until Saturday night. I know that’s what I would have done in the before times. So, what is there to miss out on really? Sobriety is all upside!
Now, I do realize in the begining, its lonely and sometimes boring, just remember not to do too much too soon, protect your sobriety with your life. Eventually, life will become normal again, just different; better.
So… for a long time, I thought that little voice in my head was out to kill me. That all it wanted was to put me in dangerous situations, while putting poisonous things into my body; then my idea was challenged by my therapist. She simply said to me, “What if that part of you isn’t trying to hurt you, but instead is trying to save you from experiencing pain that you have experienced in the past…” They often say in the rooms we come into recovery at the emotional age we started using and that seems about right if you look at the coping skills we have to deal with feelings. By looking at this part of myself through a different lens I have been able to hold it with compassion and really find why those feelings are coming up. My little voice likes to tell me that I shouldn’t eat. It has taken me a lot of peeling back layers and being honest with myself to come up with the simple fact my eating disorder is all about control. But now that I know that, when I hear those unhelpful whispers I can say, " I hear you, and I get it, you’re scared but we are safe today." It took some time to be able to trust myself because, I don’t know about you, but I have spent a lifetime self-abandoning. Once that trust had built though, it’s a pretty cool experience to be able to give myself every damn thing I need.
That’s really amazing and that self-compassion is a whole new take on it. I feel like my voice is telling me I’m not being productive or that I’m hungry for something to happen. My previous life that was heavily intertwined with alcohol sends the message of habit that any such gap should be filled with drinking. I know that this isn’t the answer but there is something else I’m missing. I believe your contribution helps me to realize that. Thank you.
Something I have learned with over a decade of trying to get sober, every time I told myself it wasn’t that bad and I could moderate, I ended up in the exact same spot wanting to be sober again, hating myself for drinking. Over and over and over. And the more I believed the ‘im missing out, I can moderate’ lie, the more I relapsed. I have the power of hindsight now, I know what’s going to happen when I believe the lie. And that makes it easier now, knowing the outcome. I can live a sober life, drinking makes me miss out on life.
I know that outcome too. There’s a scene on The Matrix where Trinity is talking to Neo when he’s considering giving up and she says, “You’ve been down that road. You know exactly where it ends.” I think of it often.
The last time I drank, I had 8 weeks sober. I knew it would end horribly and it totally did. I’m finished with that cycle and I won’t make the mistake that I did that night again.
That’s a great story and I appreciate you adding it. I encourage you to stay fortified when that 3-month (or any milestone) period tries to fade your memory or resolve. Drunk people are so unimpressive from sober eyes. And you’re right, it all seems so enchanting and interesting in the moment, but when the smoke clears, it was all a trick.
Honestly, I think loneliness is a big issue for me. I would love to have sober friends too but my responsibilities at home prevent me from getting out much. Ultimately, I know I’m on the right path and I’ll take any minor discomfort or inconvenience that might arise over the massive sabotage of alcohol any day.
