One of the things that stopped me from beginning my sobriety journey is that i viewed addiction as “out of my control”. I wasn’t me, it was some other monster that took me over and I could never fight it off. Realizing that it was my bad choices and taking accountability for my actions has been helpful, but it’s also deepened my self hatred. I hate what I have done to myself, and what I do everytime I relapse. I know thats not really a bad thing, you’re not supposed to like your terrible actions but I just hate ME I don’t know. I was never a very confident person but theres like zero confidence now that im so self aware. How do I hold myself accountable without the hatred? I can feel how it negatively impacts my mental health, and I always wind up indulging when I get too upset.
sending love and hugs to you 
For me my self asteem started to grow when I grow into my recovery. When I saw my sober days growing and the things I tried to change my life worked. The little steps forward and the support I got here while doing helped me get my “worth” back.
Be sure your future choices are better! I find volunteering boosts confidence a lot. Not specifically in sobriety, but in life. Give your time freely and willingly to a good cause… this way you give back to the community. Find something that fits your free time and your interests. You will meet other people and develop a sense of pride in what you’re doing.
From litter picking, walking dogs at the shelter, helping at the food bank to bucket collections on the streets. Find what’s right for you, you won’t regret it.
Imagine a tiny stick figure drawing standing on a line on a piece of paper (the real you). Now imagine a giant blob drawn over the top of that stick figure (your ego/false identity)…nearly smothering that stick figure (self hatred, addiction, etc.).
You push and punch and fight back but seem to only make it stronger. More oppresive. Other stick figures standing around (family and friends) try and help you but they only make it worse.
Finally you cry out for help from above (higher power). You can’t see it due to the giant blob (having faith) but you are willing to believe it’s there.
Then giant, manicured, hand model quality fingers descend down to pinch and pull away pieces of the blob so you can start to breathe again (recovery).
Start with that. Have faith. Ask HP for help. Trust. Effort. Help others. Believe in yourself. You got this!!
It’s not what we have done wrong it’s how we choose to take that fact and move forward with it. Use your falls as a drive to get up, the lower the low if you make it then the higher the high!
All of these negative things. We have chosen to label them as negative… Maybie I would agree there negative maybie not, besides the point…
If they are negative then your already a decent person for thinking that and you obviously know what would make them alot more Posotive. It’s not the fact there negative it’s how you choose to take them. A lesson learnt and how stupid I will correct that because we are better than that you have already by posting this showed that!!!
I don’t blame you for what you have done. But I might be as blunt to say maybie if you choose not to correct it or take it as a Posotive lesson then what hope do you have? Let’s notice the harder the negative the more there is to learn from it!!!
One of the advantages of getting sober at this time in history is that the sobriety lifestyle has value. We are not abandoned by our families and society in shame. The primary driver of that societal change in attitude toward alcoholism has been the movement called Alcoholics Anonymous.
Your questions are the same that I had starting out, particularly how to reconcile my bad behavior with my good intentions. The confidence in sobriety, well I just did not believe that would ever happen. I thought that I would never have fun again, I thought that every day would be a battle against cravings, I thought that I would have to be constantly vigilant against being “struck drunk”. I thought life was gonna suck, but I knew I could also not tolerate one more drink.
The steps to recovery in the AA program are powerfully effective for millions of recovered alcoholics world-wide and across 90 years to date. My journey through the principles and actions of the steps helped to answer my early questions and completely removed my fear of a gray succession of endless dry days that I was anticipating.
The steps helped me to:
- Identify that alcoholism was my problem, it was not a moral failing, and much could be done about it.
- Find a hope that my life could be better.
- Objectively, with minimum shame and no judgement, list all the actions and feelings that had brought me crushing shame before.
- Dispose of that list by sharing it with someone else and identifying specific and immediate ways I could bring my actions in line with my intentions.
- Reconcile, directly as possible, the consequences of my past actions with the people that were harmed.
- Continue to develop the fundamental connection that had been missing during my drinking life - to fill the hole in my soul that the wind blew through as it has been described.
Each of these actions required me to commit a little more to the notion that “Everything is gonna be alright”. That’s the message that was given to me on the day my sobriety began, and it is the cornerstone of all subsequent actions for me. How could I trust the people in AA without believing that everything is gonna be alright? How could I create a list of wrongs I had done, share that with another person, make plans to atone for those wrongs, if I did not have an unshakeable faith that everything is gonna be alright?
This is not true in the sense that everything is going to go my way and I will get what I want. My mother died, my dog died, my relationship with my child is still fractured, I had to change jobs, my marriage got very rocky - life still happened to me. There were direct consequences of my drinking - I served a prison sentence for being a habitual drunk driver, I had to re-pay money to institutions I had stolen from, things that brought me face to face with the impact of my choices to drink. But underneath all of it I did have at first just the thought, then later the faith that I relied on, that everything was working out in a way that I could see the good in it.
You don’t need to re-invent the wheel, you can follow one of several well-worn paths that others who have gotten sober have trod. If you want to have self esteem, do esteemable acts. If you want confidence in your sobriety, try the AA program that has restored millions of us to wholeness.
Blessings on your house 
. Keep asking questions and take the answers to heart, that’s what has worked for me.
One thing I do when those types of thoughts creep up is ask myself when the first time I felt those feelings or thought that thought about myself? There’s almost always something from when I was super young or I recognize that it’s a pattern of thought created by the dynamic of my family situation as a child.
Often just seeing that is enough for me to realize how silly the thought is and how I’ve taken that limiting belief and created my life around it. But the other half of the equation is the question “who would I be without that thought?” Where you can imagine new possibilities for yourself or new ways of thinking about your situation.
Every time you respond differently than how your addict side wants you too you are learning and building sober muscles. A bad day where you used to use and you didn’t is HUGE. Tiny wins build up big. Keep at it.
For me, that self hatred began to disappear when i started making better choices. Choices that were in line with who i am as a person. Over time, the longer i stayed clean, the more i began to sort of begin to like myself 
Its important to remember that using drugs or drinking dont make us a “bad” person. We may make bad decisions but we internally are not bad people. Everytime i relapsed, i had to tell myself that i am not a bad person. That yes i have made bad decisions but i am working on improving myself. For me, my self worth came when my actions and values were aligned.