Thanks for sharing @Zero_X.
To thine own self be true.
You had a moment of unclarity. What can you do next time when those thoughts come to mind?
How did you act out? Were your locks set on your phone?
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Hey,
Thank you for the advice. Just yesterday, I started attending a group that deals with hurtful relationships and how to find healing.
The SA support group I attend meets Thursdays. Earlier this week, I found several that meetings take place throughout the week. I planned to go on Monday, but then my tire blew out. Then Tuesday, had another flat (different tire) on the way to work. Anyway, starting tonight, I should be able to make multiple meetings throughout the week.
I don’t have a sponsor yet and haven’t found a recovery partner.
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“What can I do next time those thoughts come to mind?” That is what I’m trying to figure out. When I’m having a rough day and I think about having a drink, the memories of terrible hangovers keep me away. When I was using come, meth, and hallucinogens in my 20’s, it was the terrible come downs that made me put them down and never look back. Hell I quit smoking because I didn’t like having to carry the pack in my pocket. I’ve always believed I didn’t have an addictive personality. Abusive, yes, but not addictive. This is a different beast for me. I hadn’t even come to a place where I wanted to quit until July 2019. So, I’m still trying to figure out what I can do that works for me. As far as the phone blocker goes. I had to remove it. I need access to my browser for work purposes. Instead I downloaded a pornography site blocker that will still allow me access to the applications I need for work. But that was after the fact…i do feel a little better today. I hate that I acted out, but sharing instead of hiding really does help.
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Keep sharing! Don’t crave alone, as they say.
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What kind of work do you do that requires a web browser on your phone?
And what porn blocker are you using?
Let me know how well its working for you.
There is another solution using the “Lock Me Out” app if one absolutely needs a web browser. In this case, I would set my locks in a white list mode that would only allow access to 1 safe browser such as “Spin”.
Very challenging for me to act out on Spin, though I found a way once after trying for an hour. So no web browser on my phone for me! Lol!
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Hey @KevinesKay I run point on application and system support for my company. I tend to travel from location to location and I don’t always have the luxury of being able to just connect up my laptop. It isn’t an everyday need, but it is something that needs to be accessible. I am using detoxify. It seems to work well. I tested by surfing to sites I would go to when I wanted to act out and they are blocked. The trial is about to end, so I need to decide if I’m keeping it or trying something else.
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As of 34 minutes ago, I have had 48 hours of sobriety. In the past 24 hours, I have felt the shame of previously acting out lighten and I’ve felt better. There is this lingering sadness though, almost like a minor depression. I am not sure if it’s because I acted out or because giving up the thing I’ve been most intimate with for years. I suppose it could be both. I went to a meeting last night and picked up my first 24 hour chip. That felt really good. Everyone clapped, and I felt a real sense of belonging. I also shared my struggles over the past couple weeks and admitted that I’ve been shutting the guys in my group out. I’ve made a promise to be more proactive about reaching out and to work on remaining vulnerable. It’s so easy for me to withdraw and internalize everything. I’ve got to head into the office, I hope everyone has a great Friday! See you all in a few hours!
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Detoxify looks like a really good solution. And for only $5 a month, its an affordable one.
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Good morning. I am walking through day 3 today, about 2.5 hours in now. I woke up after a few hours of sleep and my mind was traveling to lustful places. I tried to take those thoughts captive and was having difficulty. I grabbed my 24 hour chip and held onto it while I thanked the Lord for my recovery and for leading me to this community and my brothers in my support group here at home. The lustful thoughts fell away and I slept until almost 10am!
As for the previous 24 hours, I’ve felt less agitation and anger. My mind seems to be settling back to a calm state with less negative self talk and less complaining. During one of my recent relapses I realized that those behaviors are triggers for me to relapse so I added these activities to the app. It helps me to be mindful of how I talk to myself and about others. If I complain or get down on myself. I go reset the tracker and start over immediately. It helps to reset my mood too. I complained yesterday morning that someone called me to reset a password when she could have responded through the ticket she created. It was a very minor thing and I shouldn’t have been upset with her. I felt bad that I was so petty. Usually something like that would be the start of a very bad day. I wouldn’t forgive myself. Then the next mistake I made would compound the first one and then I’d be saying things like, “I’m such an idiot. I’m so stupid.” But when I reset the timer, my brain triggers and says “oh cool, we get to start over!” So the rest of the work day went smoothly. We even got busy at the end of day which usually sets me off to varying degrees depending on my emotional state. Like, you’ve had all day to put your urgent ticket in on a Friday but you’re gonna wait until 515 when my weekend starts at 530? Well when things got busy yesterday, I handled it well. Even when my co-worker started complaining that he wasn’t appreciated and he should leave his family and us to go some place where he could be appreciated. That usually causes anxiety with me. It’s just the two of us and we’re already spread very thin. But let go, and let God, right? I was able to just say, “Man, give it the weekend and think about it. Don’t do anything rash today. Just remember, wherever you go there you are” He said, “I’m not the problem.” But he also calmed down some and when he left he said, “See you Monday”
I spent a lot of time on TS after work. I also created a playlist of songs to plug into when I feel cravings coming on. I’m looking to plug into a meeting today if I can find one. The schedule of SAA for Saturday is sparse. The last one starts in an hour and it’s an hour away. I still need to shower…but possibly mow the yard first. There are no SA meetings on Saturday in my area. I haven’t looked into SLA meetings yet. Even so, I have lots to do here at home to keep me busy. I hope everyone has a great day. I’m going to get mine started now too!
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Good day 3, zero. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you for your support and words of wisdom. They are greatly appreciated.
Z
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Loving the attitude of gratitude in the face of adversity! Keep going Zero. The view gets better the higher you climb! Grateful to be on the journey with you!
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Thank you for always encouraging me. I am looking forward to climbing higher. Day by day, a step at a time.
Hello Everyone. I hope you’re having a beautiful Sunday. I made it to 4 days sober about two hours ago. Yesterday was fairly mundane. I did some laundry. I went to lunch and had a burger and fries with fried zucchini as an appetizer. My first time trying fried zucchini…it will not be my last. It was so good! I also took my book, “Hunger for Healing” and read a chapter about Step 8 while I was there. In the evening, I spent time with my brother and nieces before heading to bed.
My plan today is to give God my thanks and praise at service this morning. To be grateful for my sobriety, all of you in the TS community, my family, and my friends.
Before I go:
I read a term here that I never heard before, PMO. I researched and found that the description is exactly what I struggle with. However in the act, it doesn’t seem like a struggle. It seems like I’m enjoying immense pleasure. What a difficult lie to overcome. It blinds us to the importance of real relationships. It severs our ability to make genuine human connections. It’s poison tastes so sweet and kills true joy.
I’ve been listening to this song called The Future. It has been helpful to me during the past couple days. The link is below if you’re interested in hearing it.
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Good morning. Made it to day 5! I had to clock in for work early today, so I don’t have time post much now. It was a really good day and I feel good today. Wishing everyone a great day!
Sober song of the day:
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I really like the fact that you’re not separating yourself from the alcoholics and other addicts on this forum. I think that you’re recognizing that we are all much more alike than different.
Too many PAs here fail to interact with others outside their DOC. Drawing strength from everyone here regardless of our DOC is a very wise decision indeed.
I love how you’ve embraced the community as a whole.
For me, I often forget that we’re addicted to different things.
you’re doing great.
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Thanks! I’m really trying to embrace the community. The support and positivity make it very easy. I really do think that our addictions have more in common with each other than differences. I also think that when we admit that we are powerless and our lives have become unmanageable, it opens up a door in our hearts that allows us to accept the struggles of those around us. We become more compassionate. I am so grateful for the great people I’ve come into contact with through TS.
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Yes! So true.
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Good Morning. I made it to 6 days. Overall the past 24 hours have been good, though not without the water being jostled a little. I had a boundary challenged at the office yesterday, and I was very tempted to cross a line that more than likely would have triggered me to act out. Instead, I made an excuse to remove myself from the situation and prayed, thanking God for my recovery and my sobriety. Around day 6 & 7 is when I really start to struggle with staying sober and abstaining from PMO. This time I’ve set up more safeguards though. I have installed Detoxify on my phone. God reminded me that I had some adult movies in a box I had put away. I found them last night and threw them out at a gas station this morning. I have plans to reach out to one of the guys in my recovery group tonight. I also have TS to come to and never crave alone. My workday is about to begin. I hope you all have a fantastic day.
Z
Sober song of the day:
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Your response here is one of the best I’ve ever read. Incredibly insightful and generous. I hope you’re doing well on your own sober journey too!
Threads like this make me fall in love with this forum all over again.
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