Hi everybody. I’m in my second day of recovery. I decided for myself that weed had to stop being a part of who I am. My waking dream state. My refuge in times of opportunity. My motivation to work and play. My enabler as a stay at home dad. My mellow maker. What is this floaty feeling? I’m still buzzed from 30 years of weed consumption in all its modern strains and forms. The culture of weed. It’s all natural baby?
I am/was a solo toker. Enthralled, Watching dad roll joints when I was a toddler carefully plow the shwag into a neat row and rolling it into joints. The toddler grew up. When I was 24 I finally started smoking weed with my dad. It was like…the coolest feeling. We talked about things. He became my confidante. He trusted me thoroughly at that point alienating my older brother. My buddies encouraged me to ask him for weed sometimes and I did. My dad and me were “adrenaline junkies” “weekend warriors” getting as high as possible and creek boat the toughest Pacific Northwest’s toughest runs. Fuck. What was all of that? Should I have regrets? It makes me cry because since I was a toddler I was raised thinking weed was cool. My dad was the coolest guy to me. Amazing artist and craftsman. That’s me now. I’m an amazing artist and craftsman. Maybe beyond my fathers talents. But now I’m few mostly washed up sitting here in my 50 year old body, texting my father from time to time but I never see him as he is 3000 miles away. He’s so old now. He still smokes weed but it’s painfully obvious it’s merely a way to kill the anxiety of old age for him. My father is probably the only real friend I have. We are like “carbon copies” of each other. Well, dad and mom split when I was 3. I got 4 days a month with him growing up. I can still remember the excitement building when my brother and I got picked up by dad and whisked off to some adventure or another. Building snow caves, rock climbing, bmx racing, kayaking, scuba diving, breath holding free diving underwater hunters of fish in the open ocean of the pacific and presently chess. Who knew that, with the exception of chess, weed was the only thing to really stick? Now even that is gone. My dads alive and mostly well. His sons have moved away. I feel sad about it. Almost powerless to help him in his old age. I asked his yesterday if he would quit with me but y’all know that doesn’t ever work. It has to be a decision you make for yourself. It can’t come from outside. It can’t be because of some bad thing that happened to make you quit. Just lay there in the night and think; “you know what? I’m sick of being a slave to weed. That toke I took an hour ago was my last one. Fuck it. I’m breaking up with you!” Fuck!!! It’s not so bad since I came up with the decision myself and not my wife, kids, parents, doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists said to me. It was me. I’m what’s important. This is my body. My vessel. Thanks for listening. Too many tears at 7am!
You’ve made a good and courageous decision. I bet your Dad is real proud of you too. I don’t know if he’s ever said it or not, but it’s likely something he wished he’d done earlier in life. I have people I love who are addicted to weed and I see the way it’s worsening their lives, the terrible long term effects and just a great way to zap energy, ambition and will.
It’s not an easy one to stop, but keep your determination! Like you said, YOU are doing this for YOU.
Reach out to us if need support 
Its good to express all of these feelings and emotions. Its a part of healing emotionally. I know its hard…
This is important! Keep going! Weed is a beast especially this new stuff. I got it prescribed 
… I’m glad you found this app. It’s definitely helpful to check in. Have you done some of the inner work? If you haven’t generational trauma seems to be what happened to you. But you getting sober will change EVERYTHING! You are breaking chains that weren’t even yours to begin with. Wishing health and peace.
(Day 16 sober, 8 years chronic MJ user)
That was a really bittersweet sharing about your relationship with your Dad. I hear you wanting more of a connection than just weed with him. 
Appreciate you sharing. It is freeing to let our emotions flow. It is okay to love and respect your Dad just as he is. Not a one of us are perfect or led perfect lives. We can still love and care for our family, friends and especially our self even with all our imperfections and humanness.
Hoi are you doing? (4th day here)