Slowly my emotions come back as Im on day 34 sober or rather the emotional chaos that comes with getting clean. Today a certain song I listened to reminded me of when I was using PCP-analogues which were one of my drugs of choice.
I got to tears because I got reminded it was all just an illusion Ive been living. I didnt miss pcp for one minute because in that moment I did not feel like there was anything to go back to.
When I was using pcp made me feel like thats what life was worth living for but it just made life feel meaningless when I came down. PCP made me feel like I was safe when I took it (safe from what i dont even know) but its psychotic effects got me in hospital multiple times.
Not even the “fun” part felt like it was something worth craving because this high is part of the problem as it caused the addictive behavior. So all in all when I think of PCP now I think of it as a highly dangerous chemical which it is of course.
The reason I felt loss is because I realized I had relied on it for making life interesting and exciting. It was something to look forward to, something to rely on if I ever felt like sobriety wasnt worth it anymore. Now I feel theres nothing to go back to. I know that probably doesnt mean that Ill never crave it again but at least now I actually feel like its not worth it to take because all the good part was an illusion.
Can anyone relate? Im not missing the substance at all its just this realization that it was all just a lie Ive been believing
