Sun June 9
I relapsed at my dads BBq, when my partner handed me his whiskey glass for a sip. As soon as I took a sip, my brain changed and I started drink whiskey out of orher peoples glasses, the bottle. Once I got home I did coke, but managed to stop before I stayed up all night and day and night. I was proud of myself for that, and in hindsight, I think that proud feeling led me into my next spiralling relapse. I relapsed lastn ight as well, proceeding to do coke until the next night. Itās just crazy behaviour, but once the drug gets inside me, I become a zombie for it. Nothing has ever stole my soul like this drug has. When I try to make sense of what it is giving to me, the best I can figure is that it allows me to completely shut off my brain and go into a survival state and mentality. I donāt know if that is just comfortable because uts familiar, or is it just nice to get away from having the pressure of long term goals and decisions and roles. Probably both. When I try to make sense of this, I always wonder whether I have some kind of operating/functioning disorder that needs to be assessed. I know that I self medicated with alcohol for years in the strip club because it was overwhelming. I would drink to help any social situation, but the issue there is that I black out and have experienced abuse and trauma as a result. It all adds up in the end. Doesnāt help that my dad was an addict and died at the age of 30 from liver failure from drugs and alcohol, and my mom was an addict her whole life. This time I think I will talk to a doctor about this situation because it is truly life threatening. I canāt imagine the damage Iāve probably caused already. I donāt know how Iāve lived through it. I was nervous to tell the doctor because I heard it can come back to you negatively with life insurance and child protection services, custody battles etcā¦
Iām out of options though. Antabuse will have to be taken before any social gathering. I just canāt risk it.
It is life threatening for sure
Addiction is a progresive and deadly disease.
Going to see a doctor and ask for help is a good start! He can help with rehab ore medication to help you quit. In my country doctors has medical confidiality so he isnāt allowed to tell other institutes ore persons about what I share with him.
Iām sorry you are in rough waters now, a relapse is hard I had some too. We cannot do this alone. Thatās why Iām here a lot. Maybe AA ore NA is an option for you? They also have meetings online. You can find them here:
Do you have the telephone numbers of your drugs suppliers on your phone? You could delete them? Do you have still drugs at home? Maybe flush that too?
You have options! There always are!
Like deleting all dealer phone numbers for instance?
Do not pick up the first one, not even a sip! If you are using alcohol you likely are going to use drugs too.
Did your partner know about you not drinking/using?
Thanks for all the suggestions. Its just so hard because I feel like I have so little control of my addict side. I think of the things to do and all the reasons not to, but its never enough. Its just so painful and scary.
First Iām going to say amen to you being able to stop and go to bed! That drug is my demon! I know what youāre feeling. I always said I never had a problem with alcohol because I never drank much and could go long times without, but once I did, Iād get that CRAVE. And it was very accessible to me as well. After my last episode I realized the only way out was to do a complete 180 and full repentance in life. I had to move, change my phone number, all of it. Just watching certain movies, music, etcā¦ hits a craving for me. Each day I get stronger. Also that drug would fk with my emotions big time. It would feed my anxiety and make me think some many horrible scenarios.
The only way out is to do exactly what your heart is telling you. And Iām gonna say it once, Jesus is the healer of all. Without him I can never be complete in all my wrong doings. Iām not a Bible thumper pusher, but just want others to know his freedom and love from all the BS we put ourselves through. His forgiveness is very real and VERY HEALING.
With that, Iām going to pray for you today in church and so on. Just stay with the goodness in your heart. Love you my sister and keep fighting
Thanks for the reply. Coke is the worst. I dont know how bad your addiction was, but a few days of this shit is insanity. Like, Iāve gone in psychosis where I dont even know what real or fake. Itās scary. I need to get away from it. You mentioned how you turned your life over to JESUS. What did that look like for you if youāre not a bible thumper? What kinds of things did you do?
Sorry, but, why the hell is your partner giving you a glass to sip?
When I was actively drinking, I wanted someone to confirm āyea you are realy drinking too muchā. Asking for it, nobody did, even not doctors. Today I think, well - they are all in the game!
Something I donāt expect anymore.
But what I expect is support, if I commit to being sober! Especially from people I would call a partner.
However, here are people to support you!
Keep goingā¦ Hop on the wagon.
Donāt take the first drink.
The worst enemy.
Iām about to head into church as I speak, but wanted to reply real quick. Iām going to reply after but in a more non rushed setting lol. And when I say Bible thumper, itās my way of saying I donāt ever want to push people away for my beliefs and will never be that person to judge or force it like some do and it tends to push people further away from his love. Catch you in a little bit
Iām Dutch so my heathcare system is different then yours. In my country we go see a docter and they help you with quitting and/ore helps you with finding a rehab centre.
You where referring that you wanted to see a doctor so maybe he can help you towards extra help. If not make a plan how to achieve what you want: a sober life. Others can help but we have to do a lot of work ourselves.
Like not picking up the first one.
So itās a lot but here it is. Hope it helps or at least can give you some peace and help in anyway possible.
My addiction was horrible. It only became that way with the alcohol. Would love that feeling of getting shit faced drunk and then a fat boy to even me out back to life. So I would go long times without drinking because I would get real bad when I did. Never liked that person. Also, I couldnāt afford to live like a coke god for multiple days in a row. When I partied, I partied. That bartender money was nice! It came to the point I was afraid of dying. And it led to other stuff out of wanting to excitement.
As a kid I was raised pretty good with good morales. That has never left me and Iām proud of that. So the person I turned into while partying was not ME. I hated him after a while. To the point I wanted to kill him. Flat out. Something within my soul was always speaking the goodness that I longed for and knew I wanted but me not knowing how to deal with my past and emotions blocked me from getting there. I knew what I need to do but there are so many factors. Iām going to lose my house, my life, the little value I have left with people I love. Because they would soon know what Iāve been hiding.
One day while at work bartending, my boss gave me a card he said that someone dropped off for me. He didnāt know who it was. Was in the office. To this day I still donāt know. It was a card that said a prayer request has been put in for me. They loved my personality as a bartender/person when visiting and I guess would come in often. So they saw the fluctuations in my character from lifestyle I was in. Was always trying to figure out who it was from then in. But since then, i had nothing but guilt and pain every time I got high. It wasnāt producing the high I enjoyed anymore. I got low low then. Thought maybe an overdose would finally get rid of the pain. But was scared of that and how it would affect my family. Just started looking into sobriety again. Iāve done it. Gotten help. Checked in to the psych wards and stayed. It never helped me internally. Sure it helped my mental a bit and to get me off the ground and back in society, but a few months later Iād be right back on the train.
Some way I just started seeking Jesus. Found out about Celebrate Recovery at a local church. Which I love. No judgements, no doctor trying to push meds down my through, etcā¦ your wrongs were heard and left there with God. Thatās when I knew I needed to fully surrender. Iāll never forget that day. Something so strong inside me of warmth and love. I knew I needed to pull the trigger change my entire life or I wasnāt going to make it out alive. And I knew that was the only true healing that was going to do it for me. I just felt it in me. Jesus became my psychiatrist. My healer. Through prayer. Daily. Going to CR and being around good, love sharing humans. Changing my entire everyday routines. Once you surrender and let his love in itās just hard to explain how it feels. In my boredom sober was I read the Bible, I speak/pray with him daily, Iāve changed my entire ways of existence and Iām thrilled to keep growing stronger. Jesus loves those who are weak. We need him most. Even in the Bible, he hung out with people just like us. Because thatās where the realness and pain was. We needed to feel it. Iāll never push āreligionā on anyone. Just share my experience and keep growing and being an example of how he can change your life through him by my actions. Give his love a try. All Iāll ever ask of others. Life isnāt easy but itās so much better with him.
Sorry for blabbing away. Iāll be praying for you. I pray for the others here on this app and am so thankful for having a place like this to come to. Listen to your heart. Calm the noise
You are not out of options. You know, from repeated posts here, that your own willpower is not sufficient to get you sober and keep you that way. What you are out of is the strength to clench your fists to white knuckle your way into sobriety.
Addressing alcoholism and addiction directly, and working to build a sober personality, sober decisions and attitudes and actions, this has proven effective for millions of people. And it can work for you too. Building sobriety is a whole 'nother critter compared to staying dry and clean out of fear of consequences.
I had decided to just drink and see what happens - to not resist it any longer. About 3 years later, I decided that it was possible, just barely possible, that I could get sober. I went on Antabuse, went to alcohol counseling, and went to AA and did what they told me to do. Oh, and I got arrested for yet another DUI and had to provide a clean breath sample every single day for over 5 months to stay out of jail until trial - enforced accountability is harsh but it worked for me.
Here are some links to threads on just how people have gotten sober and stayed that way, and also happy and content.
Thank you for that. Honestly. I was thinking the same thing, but of course Im also thinking and hearing that I have my own free will to say no, even though my addiction has basically high jacked most of that. No body believes that. He doesnt understand addiction, well my addiction. Hes very much an āits a choiceā type person, which I get the train of thought, but my addiction has shown me otherwise. When I try to explain it, I sound like Im describing a mythical creature and just trying to manipulate for acceptance. Im sure you understand. Addiction sucks. Im going to have a talk with him, because Im realising, like people have been saying on here, that white knuckling my sobriety is not enough. I alway try to just do things myself, but I need all the support I can get in this.
Also, my dads house is super triggering, Im realising too. Since my mom passed, everyone is just super emotional, drowning themself in alcohol. Its just a nightmare. Antabuse will have to be a priority there.
Thanks again for validating my thoughts Juli. This platform is so helpful to not feel alone, and helps me work through my shame and plans of action. For so many years, I just hid and never spoke a word of what I knew was developing and strengthening. I hope this time I can get some true momentum!
Thank you, Ive already deleted some numbers and had some tough convos, so Ive started the long journey again. I guess I kind of thought I was stronger than all the others, and when I really had to I would. But the feeling of needing to quit leaves once my health comes back, so I cant rely on myself alone anymore.
Thanks for messaging. What country are you from? Just curious.
Hey J. First of all, thank you for taking the time to reply to so many of my posts, and just being so thorough and thought provoking. I feel like you understand me in a way because you also did the same drug as me and also, you were a bartender which is similar to the lifestyle I grew accustomed to in early addiction.
I enjoyed reading about your religious journey and I think it is worth thinking about for me. Ive always been a bit weary of religion, just because of the ways its been used throughout history, but I also know that when you walk through church doors overwhelming love and emotion is what you feel. The two situations never align for me, so I know the former has more to do with bad powerful people using religion as a tool of oppression, when thats not what its meant for. Still my skeptical brain always questions and wonders. I think I envy religious people who speak like you do and feel so connected and sure. What I can say though, is that I remember walking into an empty cathedral church for the first time, and tears running down my face. I just felt overwheming love, it just hit me. I cant explain it either, so I know what you mean. I do pray from time to time also and it does make me feel better and loved in a way.
I appreciate that you arent a ābible thumperā in that you dont pressure people to see your side. I agree it pushes people away fast. Spreading love is better and I think you have a good way of doing it from what I can see.
Anyways, once again I appreciate your replies, and I will keep your wise words in the back of my mind as I move forward. I appreciate your prayers. I will pray for you as well then.
Hey. You are right. I am out of strength. I feel straight up betrayed by myself, weak and pathetic. Thank you for giving me hope and helping me see that I do have options. Im going to read through these resources you sent me and go from there. I think a sober personality sounds nice. Did you feel uncomfortable when you started AA? I havent really figured out the structure there, so its just so awkward and vulnerable. I can just hear the chant " keep coming back" haha I guess that answers my own question. It will get easier over time. My addicted brain is trying to convince me I dont need it, but I do. I cant even trust my own brain, its literally trying to kill me.
Anyways, thank you so much. I appreciate your guidance. I hope you have a good night.
