Another time stamp to look back on, hopefully once I have some significant time under my belt…
In my last post I was not feeling good and was really struggling with the battle of addiction vs recovery, plus my mental and physical health. At the time, I was approaching 48hrs clean.
Since I wrote that, I used again. I had a “slip” and used cocaine, as per usual. However, since then I have been clean…since 1:36AM on October 24th.
Since then, I have: had an interview (and my song) broadcast on BBC radio, taken my daughter and dad to watch an international football (soccer) match, written one of the best songs I’ve ever written, spoken with my sponsor every day, done step work with my sponsor and completed Step 1 today, spent quality time with my daughter and I’m now currently in bed watching Recovery Boys on Netflix and eating a TGI Fridays ice cream sandwich. Feeling pretty relaxed and content right now…
To put it into perspective, 72hrs ago I was in this very room and I was: sniffing line after line, looking at indecent images online, paranoid, delusional, chain vaping disposables, could barely breathe, my spine hurt, my heart was pounding, I was clutching at my neck and chest, I thought there were people watching me at my window, I thought I was seeing spirits or demons in my room, everything was freaking me out, I ended the night as per usual - trying to masterbate to “calm myself down”, taking sleep medication and praying to God to save me and let me wake up in the morning.
I know I’m not cured, I know I only have a daily reprieve, I am aware of the pink fluffy cloud, I am aware of the “not a cloud on the horizon” story on pg.41 of the BB, and I know that I am one bad decision away from a drink or a drug and then, inevitably, death. Saying that, I DO know that I feel a hell of a lot better now than I did a few days ago.
What a difference 72hrs makes…
