So, back im 2020 my parents started fighting a bunch. They eventually got divorced after fight in a bunch very crule an nasty things said to eachother. They officially divorced in like 2024 I think. That’s when I became suicidal really bad. I actually attempted about 3 times in the passed year. Nobody new. The first time I was im my room alone and so down and tried then. After that I began self harm for the first time and it became an addiction. I was on and off for the passed year. The second time was my dad’s bday and he is in prison (I’ll explain why not today) I missed him I tried 988 but they didn’t help like always. Then I was self harming all night. (I hid it so well from my mom so I did on on my thighs) then I was about attempt like I was prepared then ny sister woke up soon enough for me to stop half way through so I count that as an attempt. Then the last attempt was a few night after that and the first time I self harmed on my wrist. I tried making myself bl33d out then I fell asleep and woke up so it didn’t work. That’s how nobody knew. But I’ve been clean for 3 or 4 months then my mom’s bf kept yelling and I came to realize he has been abusive. I’ll get into that later but then he had an outbreak and that’s the night I relapsed.. now It’s a heavy relapse too. I do it when I feel sad, mad, bored, numb, nothing, just anything but happy I guess. I’m forced to be happy though. I have to keep my room clean. Yet I’m still called lazy… idk what to do anymore. My mom is great I love her it’s just her bf that’s the problem. That’s why I came here for recovery and help. I don’t have to fake happiness on here do I?
Might talk abt everything else next week idk.
You do not have to fake happiness on here, Ash. You sound like you’re in a really rough situation, but also like you want to build on the work you did before when you were able to stop. And I think that’s really admirable.
I don’t have experience with sh so I don’t want to try and give you advice, but do you have hobbies or things you like to do? Is there anyone safe you can talk to? For me, not drinking is sometimes I have to battle through 5 minutes at a time.
Read around on this app and I think you’ll find some good advice and lots and lots of people cheering for you.
Hey @Ash15 thanks for sharing a part of your story. I used to self harm to relieve my depression or numb feelings. I got caught and started therapy. Then i went to booze to try and cope and that spiraled for years. I was finally diagnosed bipolar, found the right meds, therapy, and the support of the aa community and this place to learn new coping skills.
I say all that to say i can relate and i understand how sh can become an addiction, a habit, a coping mechanism. Just like any addiction you have to take action and it sounds like you are ready to make a change. Identify when you sh, what are your triggers, and come up with opposite coping skills. Its about breaking the habit cycle which is tough but is possible with persistence and practice.
Im glad you are hear. Read around and visit often. Engaging with others will build that community. Just for today commit to not sh’ing