So i just got out of my one hour group meeting over on zoom. Usually we talk about recovery 101, but today, someone in the group (lets call him tom) asked a question and the whole hour revolved around it. Tom asked “do counselors smoke cigarettes/vapes or do they drink?” And the counselor hosting the class (we’ll call her Jen) said “some of them”. Therefore, Tom responded with “well doesn’t that make them hypocritical for telling us that what we’re doing is bad and that we need to look towards a brighter future for a better life…all while they’re doing what we’re in treatment for?” Then Tom also asked the counselor (host) if she’s ever done a drug, drank, or smoked in her life, which Jen responded with a no…only vapes. With that answer Tom said “see. Personally I would want to have a counselor who HAS done something in the PAST and has overcome it vs. a counselor who hasn’t done anything. There’s a difference between listening and compassion.” I felt so bad for Jen because all she’s trying to do is help others, but at the same time she’ll never understand what we go through/battle with everyday because she’s never experienced anything like it in her life (besides vaping), so i feel like unless you’ve walked a few feet in my shoes…you really don’t know how to help me…besides listening to what I’m telling you that I need help with and how I need that help.
Idk…todays group just really made me think about a lot of stuff…
Ive been to many treatments, done therapy for mental health as well as specifically for addiction, and have attended numerous group sessions/meetings. In my opinion… I can learn just as much from those who HAVE had similar experiences to my own, as I can from those who HAVENT experienced addiction. In fact, my old addiction counsellor (who never experienced any form of addiction in her life), taught me the most with regards to skills and techniques and tools. Those tools I still use today in my recovery, and that was taught to me about 15+ years ago. She helped me just as much as say my old sponsor did from the 12 step rooms. I can benefit from both sources Any and all help was always appreciated when I tried to quit using drugs. In fact, if I go into a therapy session or group with the idea that so n so cant help me bcuz they havent experienced addiction, then im already closed off to what they have to say. They very well could have good suggestions, so its crucial to keep an open mind
Well I do know where ur coming from but I just got out of a program and assigned to a counselor but she used to be hooked on pills but she also went to school to be a counselor. I say if whatever they r teaching and it hits home and whatever they’re teaching then put it to use and if it works then u know they r doing there job..
Sounds like Tom was trying, successfully, to divert the meeting away from his problems. Stirring the pot, instead of trying to get as much good as possible from a situation, is a behavior I have seen in myself as a way to deflect attention from my own bad behavior onto someone else (usually someone not present, the tactic of “let’s you and him fight”). I’ve seen it in other situations for myself, and in other people also.
Tom undermined Jen’s authority to lead the group, was able to justify why it wasn’t working for him, and avoided talking about his own struggles, based on your account. It’s pretty simple math.
Edit - @Mike_Gee , the concept of cross-talk being taboo is, in my opinion only, malarkey. Where else are we going to directly address each other’s problems? Where it gets into unhelpful territory for me is when a member hijacks the conversation, as is the case here, and also most particularly, when I or anyone else starts to give advice rather than sharing personal experience. It gets murkier still in a setting like this one, a meeting led by a professional who has training rather than experience. I definitely prefer peer-based groups for that reason.
Malarkey lol. Haven’t heard that term in years. Hey, we all got our own opinions.
IMO thats for after the meeting, message boards platforms like this, or many other ways to address issues.
When people fear that others will offer unsolicited advice, comments, or criticisms on their stories, they become less likely to be honest about sensitive, traumatic, or difficult topics
You know I felt that way for a long time too. For me personally having someone that knew what it was like to go through what I was going through was crucial for me. But that stemmed from my personal experiences and my pain being brushed off my whole childhood. It’s the leasing cause of why I became an addict to begin with. So I was really scared of my struggle being minimized. I’m almost 3 years sober now.
My personal 1 on 1 therapist has never had a recovery journey but is very very very empathetic and non-judgemental and I’m okay with that. I think it shifts. When you’ve newly entered sobriety you’re so used to being judged and looked down on or even being pittied or babied in some sense and you feel more comfortable hearing from or being supported BY someone who has gone through it and that’s totally valid. It doesn’t make clean therapists or doctors “wrong” or hypocritical for what they do. They went to school and studied the human brain the same as any other person in their profession. But it’s up to each person what they need for their journey and I promise you….. those needs will change. Everyone has different triggers and traumas.
My recommendation for anyone who is struggling with the concept of hypocrisy or fear of being judged by someone who has never been through it….I’d recommend getting a sponsor. Someone who has been clean a very long time, who has dedicated a part of their life to empathy and supporting other addicts. I think it’s very helpful to have both therapy and a sponsor. Sometimes a mix of someone who has never experienced it but knows how it works on a scientific level and someone who has been where you are can be incredibly helpful.
One of the toughest things to navigate is confusing things like this……. Trying to sort out what you think is best for you after not doing what was best for you for so long, trying to find what makes you comfortable while you’re actively uncomfortable in your own skin……. It’s a lot. Whether they’ve been through it or not, it’s important that you feel supported. If it doesn’t feel like it’s work for you, it’s okay to make a change or add something else helpful in (I know in many cases, if your therapy or groups are court ordered you cant just go to a new group or therapist but you can always find a sponsor or therapist to see in addition to that)
The other great thing about sponsors is they’re free. I know there are many people in recovery who don’t have access to therapy and things.
Anyways just my take on things, as someone who HAS been there, multiple times and is really grateful and happy on the other side of it.
I know it’s hard to trust yourself through recovery but to a certain extent you know what’s best for you and it’s okay to trust your instics
Any and all help was always appreciated when I tried to quit using drugs. In fact, if I go into a therapy session or group with the idea that so n so cant help me bcuz they havent experienced addiction, then im already closed off to what they have to say. They very well could have good suggestions, so its crucial to keep an open mind 
