The immediate thought that comes to my mind is “well, relationships” (in the general sense of the term). Further reflection, though, suggests to me that’s not the whole picture. I can feel disparate degrees of connectedness at two separate times without any change of social context. I think it has a lot to do with the way we think about our relationships.
Among other things, I have noticed this correlate strongly with symptoms of anxiety and of depression. Anxiety and depression are well-known influencing factors in what “feels” or “seems” true to us. In those states it’s easy to feel that my relationships aren’t secure or valued by others, and my belief that they are is challenged.
Feeling alone can lead to conflicting thoughts like “if I feel so alone, maybe my relationships with friends and family aren’t as strong as I think they are”, and become self-reinforcing.
I also have times where life (in general, or specific parts) just doesn’t seem real. Or, it seems real enough but not consequential, like nothing matters. In this situation I also don’t feel particularly connected or like I belong anywhere.
This can swing in the other direction too. When I used to drink, it felt like I made connections with people I drank with. But how many of those people were interested in spending time with me somewhere that didn’t have a liquor licence? Perhaps my thoughts and feelings about people during an altered mental state, are what lead to those specific instances of “feeling connected”.
There’s no overall “point” I’m making here. I’m just pondering the topic because I often wonder why I can feel so alone when I have identifiable strong relationships with people who care about me (and say so, and act so).
Opening the floor. Experiences, stories, thoughts, loosely-related ramblings welcome.
I’m not sure I have an answer, but I really feel what you’re saying. When the dark days come, everything starts to feel bleak and lacking—even though the people, the occasions, and the connections around me haven’t changed. I’m usually way too caught up in my head when that sense of disconnection and dissolution sets in, and that’s when the urge to numb or escape grows stronger. Overthinking and the urge to numb, they go hand in hand.
So I try to fall back on what I learned to do when I’m faced with sudden cravings. I do the thing that feels hardest in the moment. I let myself be seen. Even when it feels awkward and I really don`t want to do it.
I share gratitudes here, and I appreciate it when someone responds or finds something they can relate to.
I call a friend and tell them about my day, even when I worry I might be bothering them. More often than not, they’re glad to hear from me, and it makes the next conversation that much easier.
I reach out to a friend and ask them to join me for a gym class I’d probably skip on my own. Doing something together, making memories—it helps build connection.
You get the idea. I don’t think it’s one big gesture that creates meaningful connection. I think it’s a lot of small things, repeated over time. My therapist used to say that it’s in my hands whether I walk the spiral downward or upward. Either way, it starts with just one step.
I am grateful for your share, James. I needed to reflect on all of this myself this morning.
Being totally honest I don’t think I really feel it.
I have friends and group connections but I feel more like I belong when out in the middle of nowhere by myself.
This may not make sense and may seem counterintuitive but what makes me feel like I belong to humanity is nature’s absolute indifference about us.
Stick with me, this isn’t bleak.
I find myself sighing those deep satisfying joyful breaths that make you stop and think, “well this is nice” most often out in nature. I know that it’s hard to get out in nature when you feel down and maybe that is what makes these moments all the more precious to me.
Often when I get down I reach for classic books about depression to remind myself that the thoughts I’m feeling have been thought by others too. This comforts me. It makes me feel less alien.
So humans as a species have been wandering all over this rock for a very long time having good days and bad days and positive moods and negative moods. Nature and the rock we live on, do nothing specific to keep us on this rock, that’s all up to us. We choose. And in the grand scope of things one bad day stops seeming so big to me this way. We are connected in our utter humanness. Trying, persevering and resting.
I don’t know if this helped you. It definitely helped me. Good topic. Thanks.
[quote=“Pandita, post:3, topic:194857”]
it’s in my hands whether I walk the spiral downward or upward. Either way, it starts with just one step.
[/quote]. - oh wow!!
Yknow I really feel this vibe but I wasn’t sure how to respond, but actually I think these kind of recovery groups have changed the game for me - you meet all kinds of folks, people that you’d probably never speak to other wise, and you find that they’re actually really kind and supportive and have been through a lot of the same stuff you have (and have such wisdom to share!) and you find you’re not so different after all - and what I find really wild is, they actually value my contributions as well?!
I think that spending do much time with other addicts, it can feel like we’re bonding over a shared interest or even shared trauma, but we’re actually doing a lot of damage to each other without realising it becos (certainly in my xp) noone in a group of active addicts really cares about anything other than themselves and getting their fix - so we learn that people can’t be trusted, or they’re manipulative, or they just use you and learn to behave the same way and that can kinda get ingrained in how we view relationships in general
But then you find your way to meetings and forums like this one - and people genuinely seem to care about each other and are happy when they succeed and understanding when they mess up - it’s a hard one to accept at first, but yeah, the more I engage with these groups the more I’m beginning to trust it..
Today im a part of the human race i want to see the world have done quite alot so far ive no time to get depressed at my time in life every day is precious and im grateful for my family and my friends ,im never lonely like i was when i was drinking . keep on trucking
For me, being understood. At least feeling like the other person is trying to understand me. Even if I spend a lot of time with someone, they say they care or act in some caring ways, if I feel like my thoughts and feelings aren’t important to you and you don’t try to understand them, I don’t feel close.
Great question, I have spent most of my life trying to belong and connect with others. Growing up I always felt different and never really fit in anywhere. I am a only child and being alone is comfortable and my safe place. As an adult I have a few friends but long for a best friend.For the first time I feel a connection,thanks to my sisters in sobriety group. Still working on opening up but truly believe friendships have to be a two way street. Attending meetings has allowed me to work on trust issues. There is no judgement within those walls and I am free to be me .
Just knowing that someone else sometimes experiences this kind of thing with other people is making me feel connected and loved.
I just don’t worry about it, and I’m honest with people. I tell them I’m bipolar so sometimes I’ll be good and other times I won’t be. They understand.
I’m so grateful for the people who allow me to be me manic and/or depressed because then there is no expectation. This disease does make us a little different, but if I focus on love and being good, other people generally like me if I’m happy or sad or whatever.
IDK if that made any sense to you but thanks for the interesting topic to think about.
