I’m 128 days sober from alcohol today and feeling motivated to continue. I just made it through my first weekend of bbq’s and picnics since this whole covid thing has started. There were temptations and sporadic comments from friends but in all they were supportive.
My wife and I always liked to drink to excess and she has continued to drink ever since I got sober and has daily now that she’s not working because of covid. She’s a fairly responsible drinker and is always able to carry out her tasks the next day which is something I couldn’t do when drinking. I always thought there would be this defining moment when she would give me an ultimatum which would be the reason I quit but it never came. I made the choice myself because of how bad things had gotten.
I just am confused as to what I should expect of her. I don’t expect her to quit drinking. It just doesn’t help especially through this whole lockdown she’d come home with bottles of vodka, wine, 6 packs you name it. Then she’ll make comments that she misses her drinking buddy. Maybe I didn’t make my intentions to quit forever completely clear enough. She has seen how bad it can get and she was the one who always had to pick up the pieces like watching the kids while I slept off another hangover or lie for me on why I couldnt make an event. It is almost like she forgets the pain I caused everyone with my drinking.
Sorry for rambling I’m just confused as to what I should expect from her if anything at all since this has been my addiction and my choice to quit.
Hey 
I wouldn’t really have expectations if you didn’t lay any out to begin with. I would suggest maybe telling her how you feel and how important your sobriety is to you and how her drinking impacts you. I know it’s hard to have a significant other who still partakes in drinking or other substances. Keep your goal in mind and stay strong. 
And congrats on your journey this far. 
Thank you! I guess just telling her my intention is to remain sober will help. In the beginning I was always scared to say I’m done drinking for good because I didn’t want to fail or let anyone down. We both knew I had a problem and now feeling as good as I do I don’t desire to go back to my old ways. She doesn’t understand why I can’t have a drink with her on the weekend but I know that I can’t have that one drink. Thanks for listening!
Anytime i completely get it… I’ve been hesitant to tell family members for the same reason… for falling off the wagon and disappointing them. But we can’t live like that… one day at a time is all we can do. The real person disappointed would be us with ourselves. I’m sure she will be more understanding once you really put it out there.
Normal responsible drinkers don’t drink everyday. Your quitting is probably uncomfortable for her. You shouldn’t expect anything from her though, and be glad she didn’t give you the ultimatum because you’d really be resenting her for drinking now.
You have a good amount of time built up now, congratulations! Once in a great while my wife will have a drink (maybe 4 drinks in a year) and im at a point now where it doesn’t bother me anymore.
Hey there, first off, congrats on your 128 days…that is pretty awesome and a huge feat, you should be very proud of yourself!!
I can see how it would be frustrating for you, having your wife going on about missing her drinking buddy and all that. My husband still drinks and I know it can be a bit of a struggle to get to a place that is comfortable and includes understanding for both of you.
It sounds to me like you need to have some more discussions with your wife. It took my husband a bit of time to really get that I wasn’t planning on returning to drinking and that, yes, this definitely changed our relationship. It is for sure an adjustment for our spouses as well. Being open and honest about your recovery and feelings can open the door for some needed conversations. Keep in mind you may need to have this same conversation a few times for them to get it…we certainly did. It was a learning experience for us both.
It was also very important for me to get that whether or not my husband drank, my sobriety was 100% my responsibility. It took awhile to really feel this and understand it, but once I did, a bit of weight was lifted for me.
I don’t know if any of this was helpful for you, but perhaps you might find these threads useful as well…
Does your partner still drink? Some threads you may find helpful
Glad you reached out.
That’s true I guess I should have said compared to my old standards she was more responsible but being sober now I can see that she drinks too much. I think you’re right that she is very uncomfortable with me not drinking. We definitely centered our time being together around alcohol and now that’s gone.
It is definitely changing our relationship and I feel like we just have to get on the same page and like you said have some much needed talks about this. I have to work on my sobriety being 100% my responsibility. I’ve never asked her to change but I guess there may be some feelings of resentment that she is able to continue without even considering how it may affect me. I’m sure that’s the selfishness of my alcoholism talking haha. Thanks for the insight!
My question after reading this post is what do you want from the relationship?
Do you want her to quit? Do you want to continue like you are?
With her drinking, the temptation will be there, especially with her asking her buddy to come back and drink with her.
You should probably sit down and work through what it is exactly you want before you crack the nut open with frank conversation.
Hi @Nolan
I feel like I’m reading my story when I read your post. I’m married almost 37 years and wifey and I been drinking to excess ever since we met. But we’ve always been able to manage our days. And we done other drugs before we started a family. Congratulations on your 128 days. I got 145 days. Wifey still drinking EVERY DAY!. Wine for lunch. Cosmos around 5 wine for dinner asleep on the couch anywhere between 6 and 9 depending on how many cocktails she’s had.
When I started to come here I kept it a secret. Because I figured I’d relapse and fail. I’ve quit for a couple of weeks before, then back to the drinking. People on here like @SassyRocks and @Dragonflygirl82 @GVLNative @Yoda-Stevie @anon79808082 @Dolse71 and many many others have helped me so much. Some told me I need to have an honest conversation about my sobriety with her. MY SOBRIETY not hers or ours. I finally told her I was getting group help here and I’m just tired of the drinking and hangovers. I’m sixty now and I just can’t finish my life fat drunk and hungover. It was a great conversation while we were walking our dogs. Wifey is very supportive of my sobriety but she’s not ready to quit. With politics they way they are now, which is killing us both. And Rona literally killing people by the thousands everyday she just can’t, or better yet won’t, stop drinking. I do a gratitude list on here every morning and today I said I was grateful for the time I have with my wife before she starts drinking. And it’s true. I’m reaping a lot of benefits being sober and I’m enjoying the hell out of being sober. So I got more dinner dishes to do cuz she’s passed out. And I cook more. And some other evening chores. I get to watch whatever I want at night on the tele 
cuz she’s 
. She has her act together the first 8 hours of the day and I guess I’m grateful for that. There’s so much more I could add but I think I’ve already written a book. It’s always nice to hear that I’m not alone in this struggle and there’s people or guys out there in my exact same boat. Thanks for sharing. Frankly I don’t expect anything from my wife. Or anyone else for that matter. Well except her support in my sobriety. And she gives that to me. I love my clear head hangover free mornings better than I like my martinis. Because I can NEVER have just one.
Well said and most importantly… Well done 
.
Thank you. Much appreciated.
Our stories sounds very similar and thank you for sharing! During the coronavirus my wife has been home with our kids full time and she is a great mother. She doesn’t drink until I get home to help with the kids. Same as you we met and both liked going out drinking and it just became our lifestyle. Now realizing I’m tired of being hungover and want to be 100% present for my kids and coming home at 10 am because I was too drunk to order an uber the night before isn’t fun to me anymore. I feel like she supports me but at the same time she didn’t expect me to stay sober this long. Then again neither did I. I’ll have an honest conversation with her about MY sobriety! Thanks for the guidance!
My wife is a normal drinker. My in-laws, who live with us, are normal drinkers. There’s a well-stocked wine rack in the kitchen, hard stuff in the cabinet, and a beer fridge in the den.
I quit drinking because I had a problem with drinking, and it was beginning to negatively impact my life, and those around me. The problem wasn’t alcohol. The problem was me.
So I fixed the problem. I decided to be better and then worked to be better. For me, better begins with sober. Now, I won’t drink because I don’t drink. I have become a non-drinker. Doesn’t matter if the other adults in my house drink, or whether or not there’s booze that’s easily accessible. No one could make me stop drinking until I wanted to. Now, nothing can make me drink,.because I don’t want to.
Like others have said, I think having an honest and open discussion with her is important. Try to share your feelings without being blaming or she may get defensive which won’t help the discussion. It might also help if you could think of some ideas that she could do to help you that she wouldn’t feel were too oppressive on her. A little step could go a long way. Let her know how much you love her and your family and that you want to be the best partner you can be, but you can’t be that when you drink. Another thing to think about is that sometimes people will try to tempt others back into an unhealthy lifestyle when they try to change because they were getting something from the other person being in that state. Even if it is an unconscious thing on their part. It may be covering for some deep seeded insecurity on their part. Another thing to think about is that it’s possible that she may feel subconsciously uneasy with your changes because that makes the future uncertain. By trying to maintain the way things were (or in this case go back to it), there may be an unconscious feeling of safety. I don’t know. Since I don’t know you or your SO, I can’t say for sure but those are just some thoughts. You’re doing great so far. Keep it up.
My wife never gets hangovers. I use to get hangovers all the time. Really bad headaches. Besides turning 60 and wanting a sober life to enter my later years I have to admit the hangovers were killing me and a big reason I quit drinking. Not to mention I could never have just one. I was 20 days sober for my 60th birthday and did not drink! Thanks to the people here. I was planning to reset but I didn’t have to. Best birthday gift ever. My grown up children are in recovery and doing quite well. I learned a lot from Al Anon back then and I use a lot of those tools today. I read a passage from some kind of Al Anon devotional every morning with my other readings.
Keep up the good work.
This topic made me think of this.
What expectations should we have of others is always a thorny question for me. Expectations often put me in the triangle above – what am I owed? Once I start going down that road — usually nothing good is going to come of it.
Slowly I am learning that – the more important question is — what does a healthy boundary look like? For this Goat – I had no idea as to the differences and even what boundaries really were. Expectations require the other person to act like I want them to. When other people don’t what are my options? Manipulation of some sort, controlling, and all of that ugliness. Boundaries require me to act in accordance with my guiding principles to protect myself and are not dependent on the behavior of others.
Great topic. You got this Nolan.
Sounds like you r grateful you have the morning and afternoon with your spouse that is more enjoyable.
Focus on that and don’t expect anything else from her. At least, that’s my advice. Happiness is an inside job.
@Nolan
@DowntroddenGoat … Love Karpman Triangle. Good lesson in responsibility there, rather than victimhood. 