I made a mistake last night… A few days after I threw out all my cocaine, cut off all my dealers, I found a dealer for cocaine and ended up buying a bunch.
I think it happened this time because I got stoned early in the day, but I wanted to study machine learning/AI for a project my friends and I want to code. So, I ended up feeling like I couldn’t study machine learning because I was too stoned to do so. At the same time, I was bored in my house and I needed something to do but I didn’t seem to have motivation to do anything. So eventually, my mind started drifting off into the thought of using cocaine. Then I ended up caving and placing the order.
The problem with simply throwing it out when it arrives is that this has happened many times in the past already, where I end up buying too much cocaine → using some of it → throwing the rest of it out to stop myself from getting too hooked, in a vicious cycle that never seems to end where lots of money gets wasted on it. I have found that keeping the cocaine with my dad has been helpful as a harm reduction strategy so that even when I relapse I at least just ask my dad for the stuff I already bought back → use it → give him it back. This way, I at least don’t spend more money on it. The problem with this, is that I still end up using cocaine 1-3 times a week and my dad will just give me back the cocaine whenever I need it, to avoid me spending more money on it, which is great but I still end up using it hence why I threw it out in the first place. I feel like my dad will be very angry to know that I once again spent money on cocaine.
I am worried that if I get rid of this cocaine again, I will just end up buying it again one day, wasting even more money on it. What do you suggest I do considering all of this?
My addiction therapist suggested that I simply be honest and throw it out with my dad, but I am concerned that I would simply buy more one day.
Nobody here is going to tell you any different than your therapist. If your searching for validation on keeping it, you will not find that here. Also nobody is going to support selling drugs back and forth, this isnt the place to have that discussion. I hope you just throw it out and get yourself some help. Listen to your addiction therapist. He/she seems to have your best interest in mind.
@Steve92 Not seeking validation on keeping it, but my concerns with not keeping it is that I’ve seen this pattern happen to me a bunch of times where I just end up buying more a while after I throw it out, which really drains my bank account. Keeping it isn’t a great option either because it keeps me hooked, but at least then there is less harm done to my bank account because at least I’m not spending even more money on it. If you really think I should still throw it out despite this, then I will. But also, I think there is more to this problem than just throwing it out. I think some other measures need to be put in place to somehow stop myself from buying more once I throw it out. What do you think about this?
How are you going to move forward? What can you do differently to use the most valuable things - your health and time? You can never get those back, but you can definitely earn or save more money.
Absolutely agree. Your clearly doing some positive things like seeing an addiction specialist. theres gonna have to be some sacrifices made along the way if you truly want to be clean. It seems like you getting stoned was a trigger, maybe stop smoking weed and see how you feel. All the best
You have an addiction therapist for a reason. They are offering their learning, experience and advice to you.
Yes, you may definitely buy more in the future and keep throwing your money away on a substance that literally can kill you and adds nothing to your life…it only takes. This is the insanity of addiction.
Throw it out if you haven’t already.
The safeguard you are looking for, the step you are missing is digging deep and finding a way to interfere with your CRAVING for it. How do we work thru these hard feelings of wanting to use? Sure we can put safeguards in place, but until we work on the real issue…our brain and emotions…until we really get that drugs offer nothing but heartache, loss of $, loss of self assurance, confidence and control…we stay in the cycle. To break the cycle, go take a walk, a shower, listen to loud music and dance, kickbox, get on here and vent, whatever can get you out of your head…do that and keep doing it.
And tell your Dad that the next time you ask him to hold, he should flush it. The real consequences can often help us get unstuck.
Wishing you strength. Ps…delete all those web links and search history and all that.
Good. Not good that you’re buying more, good that you will suffer financially as a result. Seems to me that you need some more consequences from drug use before you’re willing to change.
Oh, sounds like dad’s enabling a bit here. It’s going to have to come down to you. Once you are done, you’ll be done. However, until then, you’re going to torture yourself with this back and forth. I did it for many years and it’s torture. You want to be done so badly, and the next thing you know, your manipulating yourself into thinking you need it and it will be the last time yadda yadda yadda. I think you have to be ready. Are you typically high when you make the decision to buy coke? If so, sounds like that needs to go. Even the fact that you skipped out on machine learning and coding because you were high. You missed out on a super fun day! I’m not sure what motivates you, but if you look at something that you would love to have, calculate how much you’re spending on coke, and what you could have if you didn’t spend that money.
Long long long ago, roughly 25 years ago, I quit smoking. Cold turkey and it was hard. I did the same thing with those cigarettes, and one day it finally stuck. Back then, cigarettes were pretty cheap, a carton was about $20, I hear a pack of cigarettes is like $10 for just a pack, wow. Anyway, the money I saved on cigarettes I used to get a gym membership and my nails done every two weeks lol.
No one will have a magic solution, but we can help you figure out you a little bit. What motivates you, your career ambitions, everything you could do if you were clean. It seems like you’re extremely intelligent and like the sky is the limit for you. So, I guess you need to figure out what you want your life to be like, and then make it happen.
And, just off topic a bit… I’m into all that AI and machine learning and super intelligence as well. I just found out yesterday that IBM has a ton of free classes and certifications. I think I’m hitting all of it up lol. You should check it out
Thanks everyone for the answers and support I decided today I am going to throw out the ounce of cocaine, cut myself off from being able to buy more, stop smoking weed/drinking, and stop smoking cigarettes. To solve my boredom issue which I believe is the underlying cause of my addiction, I am going to workout every day, play video games/watch TV, vent here for advice, recommit to SMART Recovery, and study machine learning. I am also going to tell my friends that I am only down to hangout if everyone is sober, since I tend to use weed/alcohol if everyone else is doing it. Lastly, I am going to tell my dad to open any packages that are addressed to me, to make sure it is not cocaine or cocaine accessories.
It will be extremely tough, because I get rather intense cravings. But I have to keep trying, I can’t live my life as a cokehead.
Lastly, do you guys have any advice for dealing with the intense and frequent cravings I’m going to feel? How can I boost my energy/motivation to do things to keep me busy? I find it difficult to have the energy or motivation to go and do something when I’m bored.
TW
Eric, I say this with nothing but love and understanding in my heart but I’m going to be brutally honest with you here because quite literally, your life depends on it. I know 10 people personally in the past month that have died from a fentanyl overdose when they thought they were only getting cocaine. Three of them being my biological father’s close friends, a dad, his brother and his son went to rail a line of coke and died as they were trying to walk out of their house on their front lawn. My husband died of a fentanyl overdose in August 2022. My grandfather died of an overdose in 2011. It’s not get high or stay sober anymore. It’s literally life or death. My husband now sits in an urn on our entertainment stand as that’s all that’s left of him because he went to get high, just one more time. As he left for work that morning, he literally told me “I’m just gonna do it one last time and I promise, I won’t ever touch it again” he left and he never walked through our doorway again, it truly was his last time.
I know the struggle homie. I know how it feels like an every day fight but please hear me loud and clear, it’s not worth it. You’re alive so there’s hope, find that hope and run with it dude because one decision made, may be your last. Nobody can ride into the dope game and save you. You have to fight and save yourself and you can, I promise you. I believe in you! If I can do it, I promise anyone can. I was addicted to coke, crack, meth and fentanyl. It took my husband dying to wake me up. You’ve got an army behind you, learn from our mistakes. I’m rooting for you. I’m sorry for how heavy this comment is but unfortunately it’s the scary reality of addiction.
( A picture of my husband with our daughter)
Thank you @Sarahyab for sharing this. I am really sorry for your loss; it’s a powerful message you sent. I’ve come across fentanyl in my cocaine before and the only reason why I’m still here is because I decided to test it before doing any. I’m very lucky to be alive.
I decided to throw out the rest of my cocaine. I flushed it all down the toilet. I am going to have a bad withdrawal, but I think it will be worth it. Thank you everyone, I really appreciate each and every one of you.
I decided today I am going to throw out the ounce of cocaine, cut myself off from being able to buy more, stop smoking weed/drinking, and stop smoking cigarettes. To solve my boredom issue which I believe is the underlying cause of my addiction, I am going to workout every day, play video games/watch TV, vent here for advice, recommit to SMART Recovery, and study machine learning. I am also going to tell my friends that I am only down to hangout if everyone is sober, since I tend to use weed/alcohol if everyone else is doing it. Lastly, I am going to tell my dad to open any packages that are addressed to me, to make sure it is not cocaine or cocaine accessories.
TW 
I’m sorry for how heavy this comment is but unfortunately it’s the scary reality of addiction.