I made it through last night without a drink, I’m still so hung up on my behavior and the things I said Friday night, that I haven’t truly had to fight wanting another drink. Feelings were valid, but dang…. When I’m not in a good headspace, and I drink they all come out with a delivery that I’m shameful and embarrassed for. I’m hurt, so I lash out and my feelings are 1000 x’s worse and almost hateful. I just want someone to take the hurt away, this feeling that I still have in my chest. It’s like the feeling you get when you’re on a roller coaster and it’s ticking slowly as you cling to the top of the big drop. I went to the gym this morning, a friend of mine let me. That feeling didn’t subside like I hoped it would. Is there going back from my fallout on Friday, I don’t remember what I said, but my sister enlightens me a bit, and it wasn’t pretty, far from kind and I was just mean and hateful. I practice kindness and value myself for it, what in the world. I’m discouraged, who is this person I turn into? I just entered menopause, so I’m sure that is part of it, but I just feel so defeated.
Feel you 10000%!
When i drink the pain i have inside of me developes into a hateful and hurt person who wants to punish and blame everybody for it.
I know exactly how youre feeling right now. The flashbacks of the drunken nights are awful. But everytime you recall it your brain thinks it happens right now bc your brain cannot tell apart between past and present.
I wouldnt say i want to forget that horror nights bc it gives me motivation to stop. But at some point you should let that feeling and brainfu*k go…it doesnt change anything.
Apologize to the people if needed and then go on with your sobriety journey, thats the only good thing you can do right now for yourself and your people…to never let it happen again.
Sending you lots of energy! Take deep breaths…you can do it. 
Thank you for taking the time to respond and to read my stuff. I appreciate those words of encouragement!
I know this feeling all too well also. Although I don’t usually manifest as mean or hateful when drunk, I do become a very different person. I also hear a lot of lies swirling around in my head that people in my life don’t love me and bullshit that just makes me drink more and make bad decisions. I don’t want to be that person anymore, so I’m back here where my sobriety thrived last time I quit. Welcome, stick with it one day at a time and give yourself love and forgiveness.
Sounds very much like I was when I was at the end of my drinking career. All sorts of horrific shit came out of my mouth, and when I could remember it, it was so shameful…when I couldn’t, I still had an overwhelming feeling of dread. That was definitely not how I wanted to live my life or who I wanted to be. And the shame, guilt, remorse and self hatred were eating me alive.
The good news is we don’t ever have to feel that way again. We can put down the alcohol, step away from the drinking life and truly become the person we aspire to be. Not perfect, still flawed and human, but perhaps not as prone to histrionics or spewing vile crap at loved ones.
Sobriety offers us the opportunity to turn our selves around and into someone we can be proud of, someone we love and care for and that is priceless. And menopause is a fabulous time to claim your power and get right with your self. 
It may seem unattainable, but it isn’t. Take each day as it comes. Remember why you stopped drinking and step into a new life you can be proud of. You deserve that, we all do. 
Maybe try a meeting might help wish you well
@Ray_M_C_Laren going to my first meeting ever tonight, got any advice? I’m a little nervous 
Just go and enjoy the people. Listen and learn, get phone numbers of a couple of ppl you like. I’d also say, set a time to call them, voice, not just text. That way, it’s easier to call when you really need support which can happen suddenly. For me, it was the grocery store! I talked to my ppl then! Best
Thank you for your response! It’s crazy when you think about it, one night of drinking, has resulted in 4 days now of feeling these awful feelings. So not worth it.
dont have to say anything remember everyone there understands how you feel wish you well let us know how it went
@Ray_M_C_Laren it was great! I actually did share and I met some great folks and came home and started doing some reading. I feel different inside today. It’s not just that I don’t feel the urge to drink, it’s that drinking isn’t really consistent with who I want to be anymore which is a new line of thinking for me.
It’s ok to feel remorse for our bad actions @Blueskies12 
But sometimes we get stuck in a thought loop that just runs on repeat. That doesn’t get us anywhere and the awful part is that the more we think about it the MORE we think about it. So we have to interrupt those thoughts in the moment and do something to get us out of that headspace. The more we practice this act of interruption (several times a day sometimes) the better we are able to process those feelings further, past the shame and guilt and on to more productive ways to handle those really difficult emotions. For me, it was learning how to meditate. For others it is exercise or journaling or going to a meeting (online or in person) to mention a few strategies.
When we first quit, our brains have to do some work to heal and that in itself can be a roller coaster. Just know that every day you don’t drink it gets a bit better to handle the really tough emotions. 
Thats great Jake well done ive got a young guy i sponsor at moment hes was like you when he first went but hes a few months now and ive asked him to chair my 40th birthday meeting with me and i know he will be nervous but im sure he will do ok , wish you well buddy
That’s awesome! I’ve been really digging in to the Big Book someone just happened to have an extra because the meeting I went to was Grapevine discussion so it was a little bit smaller meeting just for sharing. I read that first story from Bill man I couldn’t put it down, I had to read what he had to say.