I’m struggling on this topic and thought I’d put it out there to get perspective/advice/just to talk.
Here’s the skinny - I grew up with an abusive father who always told me that “I can’t do x,” or I will “fail,” because it didn’t fall in line with what he wanted me to do (ex. being a millionaire by 20).
Then, I just got out of a controlling and psychologically abusive relationship I was in for 3 years, and it’s been 3 months since I left. This person told me without any hesitation, with full authority, and truly believing that the lack of money/resources, getting fired from my part-time job, and not being able to interview well enough to get a job, I had the job, I did not have the skills to interact with my boss, and that would ultimately be my downfall, leading to being fired. Every job he did this from the beginning of our relationship to the end. These jobs consisted of one crazy lady arguing with the manager, throwing a ceramic bowl at my head, and calling me a stupid American. The other paid me nothing part-time, and when I asked for an hour or two more a week to complete her “vision,” she fired me. You get the point.
So, I got a job! After months of hell and almost being homeless! Full-Time remote, and I’m scared shitless because of what’s above. “I’ll fuck it up,” “I’ll be destabilized again,” “I will make too many mistakes….” These are the kind of thoughts I’m having, and I start in a week.
Fuck me, right?
Anyway, I know you all probably had similar anxieties and fears. Any thoughts?
Hey there!!
Wow… i can absolutely relate to the fear and anxious thoughts that we sometimes tell ourselves. Especially when we have heard things such as these for years from toxic people, overtime we begin to doubt ourselves or believe the lies.
First off, huge congratulations on leaving that controlling and abusive relationship. When i left my abuisve partner quite some time ago, i too had thoughts that were engrained in me, that took time and work to be rid of.
Challenge those thoughts tho! Tell urself daily… I am capable! I have the skills to do a good job! I am worthy of this job! I actually put stick-it notes on my bathroom mirror in early recovery and id read them while getting ready for the day. Its a great little reminder at how special and capable we are as human beings.
When u feel like these “lies” are popping up, pause, take a deep breath, and ask urself if they are really true. Bcuz deep down inside, i truly do feel that u know what the real answer is
Im proud of u for facing ur fears and getting a new job! Thats super exciting. Just take it one day at a time You got this!!
I’ve just retired after a nearly 35 years in software development and IT management. For much of that time, I felt like an impostor, and was afraid of being discovered. What got me out of that loop, first and foremost, was getting sober. But even in sobriety, I had these thoughts. What helped me out was to realize that many people feel this way, even the bosses. What also helped was just staying in the present moment, deciding what the next right thing to do should be and following that up, with help if needed. The company I closed my career with underwent a huge change in management during the last 6 years I was there. The new administration was much less punitive, and more interested in fixing a problem than in fixing blame for it. This encouraged me to own up to shortcomings or mistakes, and that confession helped reduce or even eliminated that old impostor syndrome.
Stay in the day, ask for help, acknowledge that you don’t know in detail how to do a particular task. These things can make it easier for you. Also, even though I think it’s hokey, I have used some good old fashioned self-affirmations to good effect from time to time. Actually saying out loud to myself that I am capable and empathetic helped me to act capably and empathetically.
I can definitely relate to being told that I would fail. For that I put forth 3xs the efforts in succeeding lol… You can do all thing’s if you set your mind to it.
When those negative voices creep in just concentrate on the next right step forward.
I’m sorry you were treated like that, your best revenge is a happy sober life.
For what it’s worth, I think you are going to be great.
My negative voices faded the longer I distanced myself from the addictions I used to escape.
Hugs to you
I can relate too, here it’s also dealing with those engraved sayings that are soooooo false.
I want to echo all sayed above!
The affirmation stickers helped me for years to rewire my thoughts, I still use them from time to time.
I had emotional support posters for years on a door that I look at multiple times a day. They were full of affirmations, sayings, encouraging and lovely pictures. The content changed from time to time when I felt I outgrew some of what was on it or needed new content. The poster covered the door (it was the toilet door outside by the way) and it sometimes took me days to design a new one, a renewing, uplifting process in itself.
You are competent, you are willing to learn, you WANT to do a good job and I’m sure you give your best. The first 6 months is always learning and growing into the new job. Insecurity, asking for help, making mistakes, taking time to learn how to navigate the new, unknown setting is normal. There is no “fail”, just learning.
I’m happy you got this job, I’m proud of you taking care of yourself!
Maybe get support to deal with the trauma you experienced, therapy, a support group. It helped me tremendously and still does.
My gamechanger was learning to be kind to myself and apprechiate every babystep and minitask. They add up
