I’ve screwed up a million times, I’d never deny it. I’m 20 days sober which is a joke compared to the chaos I’ve caused but damnit I am really trying. I’m deploying in 18 days for almost a year and I’m am so so stressed out. On top of that my husband got switched to nights even when his higher ups KNOW he’ll be on his own with our three boys while I’m gone. With all this I’ve also been trying my best to do what I can to take care of my husbands emotional and sexual needs. I am beyond maxed out stress wise. He’s currently throwing things in my face about my infidelity because I don’t want to “help him” masturbate while at work. I am not in the mood at all and because of that I’m being guilt tripped and made to feel bad because I’ve texted another guy while he was at work while we were separated. I seriously don’t think any good I do could ever fix the crap I’ve done to him and I’m just having a crappy day and am thanking god I don’t have a car right now to go get booze because I’m really overwhelmed and I’m tired of feeling. Sigh. Just coming here to vent because I don’t want to actually talk on the phone to my sponsor. It will just make me more emotional.
I don’t want to cry
Journaled and texted my sponsor. I hate feeling like this. Feeling in general. It’s sucks.
Wow thank you. Seriously.
I think my sponsor is asleep already so I just filled up two whole pages in my journal. This is not going to be a cake walk but something I was thinking about is that I can always ignore him. His feelings are his own and I can only do my best for me to stay sober. Going to try and write out some POSITIVE thoughts again thank you I really needed to remember what my happiness is.
Exactly I feel like a doormat. Other times I remember like holy shit you chose to stay here as long as I fix my behaviors. That doesn’t mean he gets to bring shit up when I don’t do what he wants. I told him he can’t guilt me into do what he wants and he said I needed to stop saying that and I don’t need to get pissed off. I’m not allowing myself to be in his argument it’s not worth it.
Sponsor called. Going to meet early before the noon meeting. Breeeathe in breathe out. This discomfort is better than drinking and creating more chaos. Thank you guys for being here to vent!
Just wanna say that it’s great to see the Fellowship at work here guys:)
Wonderful. I had a dental appointment today though so that sucked but I managed to tear up the prescription for pain killers. I went to a meeting this morning and am going to one this evening. Read some big book and wrote. Your reposting my happiness post really kicked ass and knocked me back into reality.
I’m so glad!! Thank you again 