Hi 
For me getting to online meetings was what got me through my first 30 days. I lived in this AA meeting as it never stops - it’s constant 24 hours day and night.
I fell asleep to it, I woke up to it, I cooked, cleaned and lived on it 24 hours with headphones and my audio and camera off so no one knew I was there.
Then I found this community, and the people here have encouraged and helped me to find my own strengths to stay sober. This is my second home. It works being active here and if you can also get to meetings face to face or online that will help too.
This is the meeting on zoom that helped me my first 30 days and still I go on there too this day.
Code : 2923712604
24 hour AA marathon meeting.
Give it a try, it really is powerful listening to others.
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Sorry to hear you’re struggling. I’ve been there too. Perhaps seek out a group like AA or similar to help you through this journey and be sober 
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Motivation is not something you can get or be given, it is something inside you that can be ignored or awoken.
When you read a motivational speech or quote, it’s not the quote that motivates you. It is your inner motivation being awoken and tapped into.
You have taken a positive step, your motivation inside will peak and trough like any emotion. Don’t wait for when you feel better to do something, just do it and you’ll start to feel better, push beyond where you are comfortable and you will grow. Nobody moves forward if they stay still!
What you have to do is push yourself through the bad days and the good days will come more often, believe in yourself, you have all the tools you need to be happy, all you have to do is look deep inside yourself and find your key to unlocking them.
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I am so sorry you’re struggling, and I know this pain oh too well. What can we do? Just what you did. Keep coming here. Try a meeting. If you’re exhausted and out of ideas about how to stay sober, time to accept you have no control over alcohol and staying sober your way isn’t working. Once you accept that, time to listen to other sober people and do what they do to stay sober until you can do better. Surrender time. Much love and support to you.
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I think so many of us (all of us?) know the debilitating effects of the disgust, self loathing, grinded down self esteem and lack of self love. The lack of self love, lack of forgiveness toward our selves and the non existent self confidence can combine to keep us in this never ending cycle of guilt, shame and drinking. It is so soul sucking. You got some great support here on your thread and here in this community. Keep reading and posting here, picking up some books and reading and educating yourself and keep adding to your sober toolbox. We keep subjecting our selves to this cycles until we are able to let go and move forward (however that works for us, I surely do not have a magic secret there, folks call it all sorts of different things). I really don’t know, but I do know that keeping fighting for your sobriety, taking it one day at a time (as cliche as that sounds) and building up some self love and compassion goes a long way in helping us heal these parts of ourselves that need healing (to me, it is all about building up self love, which I had lost a long long time ago). Believe in you, because you are worthy. 
And you do not have to do it alone. We are all here with you. And if you need, there are in person or zoom meetings with other people who can support and be your community as well. Keep reaching out and connecting. It is really hard and it is really worth it…YOU are really worth it.
(I took a lot from This Naked Mind as well. I also got a lot from Quit Like A Woman). 
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Thank you everyone for chiming in. I signed up to This Naked Mind program - thank you so much for sharing @Misokatsu. I’ve also been for the past 2+ hours in that online meeting @Twizzlers what a great thing it runs 24h/day! And everyone else THANK YOU for your support, it was very much needed. I don’t think I could have done it alone today 
what a community and all the wisdom you freely share brought me to tears.
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