Just need someone to talk to.
41 years old, and up until 4 or 5 years ago I never had a problem with alcohol. I do come from a long line of addicts though.
I just came off a 2 day bender (alcohol).
This has become my normal.
A few times a month I’ll drink heavily for days in a row.
I hate it.
I hate myself right now.
I feel like shit, because my anxiety is super high from all the booze and now being sober.
I have no friends.
My partner is pissed at me.
My kids are pissed at me.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
I’ve tried to get help.
I’ve gone to meetings.
I’ve gone to outpatient centers.
Nothing is fucking working.
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Welcome to the forum! Youve come to the right place. I completely get what ur saying. At the end of my using “career” i was also feeling very much the same way. The shame and guilt and disgust and worry and anxiety consumed me. I hated who i was. Couldnt stand being in my own skin. Couldnt trust myself to stay clean and sober. But it doesnt have to be this way. You deserve a sober life and u can get it!
This forum has changed my life for the better! Along with 12 step mtgs and making changes to my everyday living, i have learned to cope with emotions and situations without picking up drugs. I hope u find this forum very useful. LOTS of amazing people here and great suggestions to follow 
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So glad you’re here! There is help from the obsession and the insanity. Here’s what it took for me after 8 yrs of near daily drunkenness and bullshitting 2 outpatient programs, jail x 2 for drunken choices and a medical board telling me to go get some help. I hated me too and drove everywhere drunk without a seatbelt hoping to find a tree. I was out of ideas on how to stop or the will to do shit differently. Then I asked to attend inpatient treatment, be with others who wanted to stop and stayed for 3 months.
First, I had to let go of the past and not beat myself up about losses in all respects & all the other shittery I had done while fucked up, trying to get lit or upon learning of some shit I did while…
Second, I grew to understand what life is worth by listening to others who have my disease too. I saw I was just like them. They suggested some steps to teach me to live life differently. That helped get me more focused on what I wanted for me.
Third, I try daily to help others like me, so I stay out of me & my head.
This is what worked for me. AA is a good and proven program, others are out there but regardless of what you find that works, just stick with it day by day.
Lastly, I will simply send big hugs to you and I do hope you are done with the insanity.
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Welcome! This is a great forum. I can relate to the shame and guilt. Waking up after a night of drinking to find the drunk texts and emails I had sent out the night before. Breaking an ankle and then years later my foot wasn’t enough to stop. There is always support here and someone to help.
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Thank you all for the kind words of solidarity and encouragement.
Things are a mess
I am a mess, but I’m ready to make a difference in my life and the lives around me.
I want to be better and I’m ready to fully admit that I have a problem
Part of me wishes I could handle doing an impatient program somewhere, but for me it’s just not plausible.
I just want to be a better version of myself
For my kids and for me.
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I found out if i didnt work it then it didnt work , sometimes we have to do things we dont want to hopefully your find something that will work for you wish you well
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