Hey all. I’m new here and wanted to share who I am and where I’ve come from… in somewhat of a nutshell because then I’ll never stop writing. Been drinking & drugging since 13 yrs of age heavily, I’m 31 now. Didn’t realize till recently I’ve been not valueing my life or anyone else’s all these years thanks to the fellowships. I was introduced to A.A. at 14yrs old court card, N.A.15yrs old court card 
. Didn’t give a shit what anyone said I went to them loaded most days so yeah, no desire to stop those 
courts. I Always got my drugs free from 15 to 17 I’m a poly drug abuser I don’t discriminate I’ll take what you got as long as it changes how I feel (message). LoL anyways I’m busting missions with a friends dad to score at 15-16 ( I had a lot of time to find the choas, being kicked out my mom’s house 15-17yrs old off and on months at a time but no more than 3 times so long stretches (for only smelling like alcohol) anywho I’d hitchhike hang out with train hopper squatters nd what not slamming heroin on skid row at 16 so yeah fun times. At 15 my mom paid a dollar a month cuz she lost her job with a drug counselor I had trying to help me I could never give a clean drug test nd good days were if I only drank beer and smoked weed 
progress lol. So I stopped goin after getting kicked out again. At 16 I was I would DT on Venice beach if I didn’t get well with a minimum few gulps of a Mickey’s 40oz we all would spin. Also smoked crack with a man that insisted I’d let him suck my dick because he liked giving not receiving​:roll_eyes:.after telling him cracked out my mind and politely that I’ll stab him if he trys anything he relaxed a lil and continued to tell me how cute I was 
fuck it I wanted to get hi so I took the compliments… Same cycle of nonsense till on the streets at 17 I came back home through my cousin telling me on myspace my mom wanted me back home ( I used librarys 15 min free to communicate with peeps back home). I make it back was good through my 18th birthday till sailor Jerry’s and commercial robbery got me a small visit to the fun house. When I got out from a short 3 months that was enough to say fuck this I’m getting a job and changing my life. Welp I did seem to change my life but I only was a highly functional addict who got promoted multiple times got my own apartment, new car, all the while Im doin anything you got but my go to is alcohol/SHIT​:cold_face:.(between all this at 25 my aunt who was like a mother to me I called her mom passed away within 2 months of diagnosis of ovarian cancer fucked my world up) Anyways I also learned after my ex I used with (baby mama) who is in the streets currently that I was not 
faithful in previous relationship s. I convinced myself I was until I got a taste of my karma like never bfor when I was in this turned drug relationship 27-28yrs old (the only time & wrong time to be loyal) . My only other 2 relationships were normies ND I knew it was going to end so that’s how I justified doin it like I wasn’t a cheater but took alot of lies and work for those occasions soo yeah no…so in my apartment at 28 I get with my last ex she’s strung out on heroin and I’m doing cocaine, shrooms, ecstasy, you know the fun drugs right? So it’s all good haha she moves in I try to save her severe psychosis episodes made that relationship a nightmare I willingly participated in like a good person I thought I was getting her clean off herion while smokin meth daily her (Totally Fine). When I found out I never needed a dealer it was down hill from there I’ve been to places I never new existed, or were possible of existing living hell and death not far behind from every place we went together. (LOVE!) PFFT. still baffles me wth I was doing. Anyways lease was up shit went south moving in with her and her mom and I was voluntarily living out my car strung the fuck out on meth, not heroin 
. Still a beast in its own right. Anyways that went on for almost a year and a half got off the streets after almost being subject to premeditated murder, same day I learn my ex is turning tricks with a pimp. So that brief gift of desperation got me to start my journey of willingly turning to N.A. for help to stop. NOT A.A. cuz I need to take the edge off ya know haha. Welp I relapse after 13 days clean and went into another stage of my addiction ND put my mom and husband through it all was like walking in eggshells around me 24/7. So briefly in the streets after losing my mind in a motel I call every recovery center crying for help finally I got somewhere (if you have read this long there’s another part of searching for rehab that’s a rough experience with a N.A. member who took advantage of my vulnerability while showing me a rehab ALL BAD just ask I’ll share) I stayed 6 days clean in the street before I admitted myself not being required either that’s how bad I wanted it. At this time I’m good with sharing but never was working a program 
. So I leave rehab at 42 days found a excuse nd left The beauty of the disease baby!. So I go to my moms relapsed at 52 days git kicked out my normie ex from the past found me a room to rent where I’m at now ND blessed to be not kicked out here. I started dating my Normie ex but did nothing for her I was faithful this time but I wasn’t even close to a companion idk wth she was doin with me but yes I used almost the whole time we were dating until I told her flat out after she gave me the ultimatum drugs or me. I said I choose drugs it’s too hard to stop…let me just say folks I have been one lost individual for a very long time and barely seeing the light and am so grateful to the fellowships for loving me while I’m still learning too love myself. So as of recently this past year had a couple psychotic episodes calling my roommate on coast guard duty saying the t.v. is talking to me kinda shit oh and he works for immigration so this guy is a god send for not just pretending he knows nothing of my drug use the whole year I’ve been hear, but but actually making me force myself to be clean,and tidy you know normal shit a little structure in my life. After all of these things my GOD isn’t you’re GOD probably but it’s what’s kept me alive no doubt and finally given me this spiritual awakening I never thought I’d experience to wanna work the N.A. program 100% and practice A.A. cuz I love both idgaf who says what they both have saved me. “But you just relapsed…” Between 29 ND now I could not stay clean or sober longer than 14 days by myself…countless 1, 2 ,3,5,7,10,14 wondering wtf man I quite dope why can’t I stay clean??? I have the desire to stop so wtf??? I used, drank and went to meetings what they say as a SUGGESTION not to do for A DAMN GOOD REASON it won’t work. If ur a no fucks given thinking the dead are the lucky ones kinda street junkie, or just a fall down drunk at home. It won’t work in my experience. 41 days ago I had no plans of quitting drinking or smoking weed, meth was a must because I’ve proven I’ll throw my life away willingly by choice. I took one suggestion at a A.A. meeting do 30 days 100% abstinent ND if you’re not happy with the results you’ll have saved enough money to go back out on a really good one nd if ur lucky come back with a ass full of arrows… I’d go still just in hopes that fuckin stick ND that was the moment. 4 days relapse, 10days relapse, then it happened I SURRENDERED to the program with my own made up contract of 30 days I stuck too it the hardest 30days of my life besides, watching my aunt deteriorating before my eyes everyday. I’ve been clean and sober 1 time in my life that was when I was 14yrs old 9 months after that I’ve always had something in my system to change the way I feel… I had 39 days clean and sober BY MYSELF (my miracle) with the help of the programs nd the loving people in in them. That is what I believe is my higher power working in my life I took suggestions, got a sponsor I talk to everyday, working the steps thoroughly, over 100 meetings in 30 days because I need to be brainwashed cuz my thinking is the problem. I made a conscious decision to pick and use after a Bible study I went to in support of my sponsor family brother In the program who needed some love. I think of it maybe I needes to take that one for the team because he said he just wanted to slam his brains out waking up at 2am randomly maybe he wouldn’t have made it. I know that feeling ND I’ve made it out on the other side by using those tools that are free for the addict/alcoholic still suffering. This time I let the disease win because it wants me back so I can’t help my brothers and sisters in the struggle. This relapse was my first one in my active recovery nd it’s hitting different I’m so excited to continue this journey Im goin to a meeting today at 4pm to as a New comer again no shame, it’s all growth, only thing a person can do to disappoint in the rooms is not come back so please anyone just keep coming back and don’t leave before the miracle happens. I’m giving this all I got and I’ll keep yall posted everyone have a blessed day in recovery Much love​:pray:
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Thank you for bringing up a lot of memories which in turn has reminded me of the chaos of my 33 years in active addiction. I am grateful you are here and have found recovery.
Keep coming back.
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Thank you🙏 stay blessed
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